08/18/2004

“Hey Look! It’s Batman!”

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

At the Cryptic Press/Yaytime! Forum, the “other Raina”… Raina Telgemeier… asked everyone to share their worst middle school experiences (whereas Raina?s is chronicled via her web comic Smile), which I was more than happy to do, and figured I?d pass them along here.

But here?s the thing? unlike most people, I actually enjoyed middle school. Granted, I was perhaps the biggest nerd in my grade and most jocks thought I was a wimp (well, I was), plus most girls ignored me (though I was too shy at the time to notice). But being the resident artist gave me some cool points, and for the most part, I was able to disarm any insults or putdowns with some witticisms, which eventually garnered me some respect in most circles.

Also, I was far too entrenched in comics, video games, movies, and television to really care about the world; at this point, it was the golden age of TV for me… Twin Peaks, Liquid Television, Ren & Stimpy, the original Ben Stiller Show, TMNT, and the Idiot Box, to name just a few, were still on the air. Videos on MTV were still good at this point. Letterman was at this top form on Late Night. SNL had the awesome classic late 80?s/early 90?s cast. Plus HA! the first comedy network had just premiered, which meant nothing but classic Eddie Murphy SNLs on for 24/7. I used to repeat his ?Buckwheat Sings? routine over and over again for friends.

My junior high was also really weird, though it really couldn?t help itself. I grew up in the town of Lakewood, which was a small suburb of Tacoma, Washington (and has since become it?s own city). I lived in the Steilacoom part of Lakewood, which is most noteworthy for Western State, a mental ward. Western State was always just a few miles away, and it?s patients, at least the docile ones that they let roam the streets in the afternoon, were everywhere. But there were some really crazy, and sometimes dangerous folks as well, and they?d sometimes escape. So needless to say, always being just a few miles from the state mental hospital certainly set the tone for my entire childhood.

Also, I somehow managed to avoid taking many classes and instead worked as a student assistant at the front office and library, which meant virtually no homework for years straight.

Anyway, in no particular order, here are ten of my favorite memories…

1. In gym class, me and my friends John and Doug would always “forget our gym clothes”, which meant we had to sit and not be able to participate for the day. So while everyone was embarrassing themselves while playing dodgeball, my friends and I simply read Calvin and Hobbes and talked about SCTV.

2. The time Andy, the Boy Scout with a major chip on his shoulder got pissed and started yelling at me for not calling him by his self-appointed nickname, Pee-Wee.

3. Again in gym class, the times when both aerobics tapes (Sweatin’ to the Oldies and Jane Fonda workout… Thursday was aerobic day and it was so lame) somehow got Batman taped over them.

4. Once I was working in the library and these two other girls I was also working with were talking about the previous night’s Beverly Hills 90210, in which a major character killed himself. I guess I didn’t hear the part when one said to the other “Don’t tell me who it is, I taped it last night but didn’t see it” or something to the effect and simply blurted out the person’s identity (I never watched the show except that one night… guess nothing else was on) and one girl started crying and locked herself in the periodicals room for almost an hour.

5. In home economics class, I was giving advice on how to beat Metroid (I was always known as the kid who knew how to beat any video game) and the person I was talking to was so distracted, he put a whole stack of towels on an open stove and a fire ensued.

6. Also in home ec. my teacher always brought her 3 year old daughter into class, and how she would always get inside an oven.

7. The time we all figured out who the stinky kid in our school was, once those shirts that changed colors with sweat became the rage.

8. Another gym class memory: that friend John was such a druggie, he would drink half a bottle of NyQuil every time we had to run a mile.

9. Playing basketball with the cafeteria workers while on break from my office assistant duties. Plus they always gave me all the tater tots I ever wanted. Occasionally my friend Tim and the custodial staff, whom Tim was a student assistant for, would join in a game or two.

10. And finally the time, again as an office assistant, I had to call the police to inform them that a mental hospital patient was on the roof of the junior and heating the hell out of the Doppler Weather satellite. When they got him down, his hands were all bloody and raw.

? Oh! And I can?t forget Curtis, the gooney kid who was 6 foot 5, had a full moustache while most of us was just starting puberty, was developmentally slow, wore the same zipped up gray sports jacket, always carried a pencil in his hand (but no books), and was always angrily muttering underneath is breath (?? Hmrph?Stupid fuckin? homework,? Math is stupid? Hmrph??). Well one guy who was constantly giving me shit (which no one dared to do, since Curtis looked like he could kick anybody?s ass) stole his pencil, so Curtis reacted by grabbing him by the neck, throwing him against the lockers, taking his pencil back, and stabbing the kids in the shoulder.

And also, there was lovable Mr. Ling, who didn?t speak English very well and muttered some classic lines, but his ?Why don?t you go outside and rub against the bushes!? will always live forever (trust me, you had to be there). Poor guy? tired so hard to warm up to us, but his decision to show up the first day of class in his old K-Mart uniform was a very bad move.

Then there?s Mrs. Hooker and her big fucking metal spoon which she used to hit students in the hands with if they disobeyed. Plus she had this big stupid poster of Neil Diamond in her classroom, you could bribe her and get your grade raised if you got her chocolate, and how she once told me after doing poorly in a written exam, ?You will never be a good writer. Never.?

Plus there?s? so much more really. And believe it or not, high school was actually stranger.

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08/18/2004

(Dinosaur… or Robot) Battle Royale

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

So staying on the topic of shitty films, the first details regarding Jurassic Park 4 has just been revealed, and man…. are they ever fucking insane. In a nutshell…

It all starts with some kids and their parents get attacked by dinosaurs at a little league game. It’s revealed that this the first such attack in America, following similar instances south of the border, so a task force is created by the UN to deal with the situation. Thus we meet the hero of the film (not sure if he’s head of the task force or is the task force), some hard lucked mercenary who’s in charge with finding the solution. It isn’t long till he finds the man who created Jurassic Park (you know… Richard Attenborough’s character?) who wants to offer some help.

He reveals that his crew of scientists want to develop a new breed of dinosaurs to eradicate the ones that are in the wild and causing damage. Problem is, he’s in a ton of trouble for letting the first batch get loose (from part 1) and the UN has banned all dino breeding, as well as all activities related to it, like getting the necessary DNA to work with. So this guy is asked to go to Jurassic Park and get some genetic material… remember that shaving cream can which housed some amber that Newman stole? About fucking time they addressed that plot point.

So the guy goes to the island, and is not only attacked by dinosaurs, but the Swiss. They kidnap and take him to a medieval castle in the Alps, which is their HQ. It revealed that a Swiss company now owns and runs Jurassic Park and they’re developing their own breed of super dinosaurs. Not only are these new dinos super strong, super fast, and have super senses, but they have a bit of dog DNA in them so they can be obey their human masters, and even human DNA so they can be smarter than the average dinosaur. Plus they have human like hands and fingers, and even wear body armor, all to help them kill bad guys and save children. Don’t forget their names: Achilles, Hector, Perseus, Orestes, and Spartacus.

Gee… sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Anyhow, Spielberg is apparently behind the project 100%, and has even been quoted as saying he wanted the “mother of all ideas for this sequel”. The genius behind the story if Spielberg himself, who then handed it off to Bill Monahan, who’s an up and coming script writer. Then his first draft was handed off to… get this… John Sayles (?!?!), which is actually not all that weird since he used to be well regarded for his script doctoring skills, plus used to do exploitation flicks (my personal favorite has to be Piranha).

Bare in mind, all this information is from Ain’t It Cool News, which I personally hate. Well not so much the site, but the goon behind it (look up the term “blithering, idiot fan-boy” in the dictionary, and you’ll see a pic of Harry Knowles). But despite my views towards his opinions, he track record for reporting the facts is fairly decent. So with that in mind…

… If any of this is true, then all I can say is this film will either be the one that causes God to step and completely obliterate Hollywood or be the film that makes God come down and give Spielberg for creating the greatest film on earth.

And despite my personal feelings towards him (don’t get me started on Saving Private Ryan or A.I.) but since the fate of the live-action Transformers film rests on his shoulders, I pray that God give him the insight to make it good.

Oh, and speaking of robots fighting robots, there was a robot fighting contest that took place in Japan recently. I’ve been trying like crazy to find videos of the event, but had no such luck. That was until a coworker passed along this article which has a couple. So folks… the future is officially now, and it’s just a matter or time when we’ll all be bowing down to our robot slave masters. Time suck up to your iPods and DVD players now.

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08/17/2004

TRON WAS THE REAL MATRIX (and so was Rez come to thing of it)

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

It took a while, but I finally got some info on that Rez event that took place in Japan last summer. I remember hearing about it, and went nuts trying to find as much information as possible. All I knew was that it was supposed to be a small gathering, invite only I speculated, which was to “celebrate” something. I figured that it might be a sequel to Rez or Miziguchi’s next project.

Unfortunately, the major gaming media at the time seemed pretty disinterested in the event, and therefore there was no coverage, let alone follow-up whatsoever. And since last year I didn’t have nearly the degree of connections as I do know, I really had no one to ask about it. And a year later, I pretty much forgot it even took place, until someone brought it up in a thread which I started at the Gaming Age Forums about those old work in progress vids I posted recently.

Basically, the club event was set up to celebrate the PS2 budget version of the game and United Gaming Artists had on-hand three playable version of several work in progress/pre-release levels. I think I’ll simply quote GAFer Jonnyram who has all the info…

” There were three playable versions. One version had Underworld’s “Rez” as the soundtrack and another one had Fatboy Slim’s “Rockafeller Skank”. Honestly, I didn’t feel “Rockafeller Skank” suited the feel of the game, although the cuts and sequencing were flawless. The “Rez” stage was also a really nice piece of work, with the music being more suited to the game than any of the final pieces, perhaps. “Rockafeller Skank” was due to be in the final game but was pulled just a couple of weeks before release, so that version of the game was basically the final version. The “Rez” stage was also pretty close to the final version. The third version was basically the first stage on crack. It was much harder with more missiles, and more insane mid-stage sequences. I got the impression that the game was toned down for final release, with the PS2 release dragging the DC version down with it. All these playable demos were on DC, FYI.”

… All I can say is… wow. Jesus Christ, I wish I could have been there. But at least I finally know what happened (though I’d be able to die happy with at least some footage from the event). And the GAF thread is further proof that the game did indeed find it’s audience, despite less than stellar sales.

Needless to say, I’m a huge admirer of Miziguchi’s work (not only is Rez one of the top, all-time favorite games, but most will agree that Sega Rally is one of the best arcade racers ever) and try to find as much info on the guy as possible. I know that ever since he walked away from Sega after UGA was merged with Sonic Team, he’s been keeping a rather low profile, though he has been seen time to time at academic related game events, like the Game Developer’s Conference, or to help promote Tomato’s WordImageSoundPlay. I know that he has a blog, but it’s in Japanese, so I don’t know what he’s talking about, though I do know when he first started it, all he spoke of was how much he loved the show 24.

While looking for the URL to his blog, I came across another person’s blog, one who attended the recent GDC in which Miziguchi discussed his various works. His whole account is pretty damn good, but here’s what he had to say about Miziguchi…

“Miziguchi’s presentation, while he spoke in extremely good English, was typically Japanese. It wasn’t a discussion of the subject matter [which was What Lies Ahead in the Ever-evolving Interactive Entertainment Industry?]; more of a hour long portfolio presentation. It would have been a disaster if Miziguchi hadn’t of made some of the most amazing pieces of software to date.

The overview of his career was interesting and gave some insight into how he came up with the idea for Rez. His initial project was a movie ride for Sega where the audience sits in a tilting vehicle. (Think Star Tours.) This initial project, made in 1992, was shockingly similar to Rez with its trance music and the feel of flying through a sci-fi environment. For 1992 technology, it was surprisingly fun to experience even when sitting in a GDC conference room.

He talked about Space Channel 5 a bit and showed an early (and truly awful) clip of the first version of the game. The initial prototype movie involved the name “Space Channel 5″, a scantily clad blonde(!) chick with a space helmet, shooting aliens, and the main theme “Mexican Flier”. It doesn’t seem like they had any idea of what the game would be about, but they went ahead with it anyway.

The game design initially came from the musical “Stomped” where the performers would clap and expect the audience to respond with the same clapping pattern. The performers would do one pattern and the audience would respond, and then the performers would do a more complex pattern. This would continue until the performers would do an outrageously complicated rhythm and then the audience would laugh as a response.

To develop the game, the design team and artists would have a weekly session where they would try to move around in a funny manner and figure out amusing things to do with the animation. They showed a videotape of these sessions and they were indeed bizarre. The lead artist would think of an idea that the other artists would have to mimic; in the case that was shown, waddle around pointing quickly and having a surprised look on their face. Then all the artists would move in a big group and attempt to mimic this action. Miziguchi said that they lost two female designers due to these sessions – they were too embarrassed to perform these silly actions in front of other people.

He then continued to talk about the Space Channel 5 cell phone that had Ulala as the “personal assistant.” I thought this was a niche device in Japan, but Miziguchi stated that it sold over 8 million copies. One of the wackiest elements of the phone was that Ulala would talk to you after you completed a call and ask you how much you enjoyed it. I assume you’d type in a number ranking and the phone would track which callers you enjoyed talking to the most. Funny stuff.

When he talked about Rez, he said his goal was to “see how far a game could go to make you feel good.” The two major inspirations for Rez were the audio/visual connection in raves. He also said that he got a lot of inspiration from a videoclip he saw of a street corner of an unnamed African city where a group of people were creating music using clapping, humming, and rhythm provided by elements of commercial waste. (Bottles, tin cans, serrated pieces of plastic.) The music was mesmerizing and he said he wanted to capture the groove of making that music for game players.

When he talked about where he wanted games to go, he talked about applying to the very essence of humans; those natural, subconcious basic instincts that are known by every person regardless of culture. I find this very interesting because it is a completely different approach than Masahiro Sakurai’s risk and reward talk and all the work that I’ve done at Big Huge Games. I think that’s a big reason why I’m attracted to his work is that it appeals at a much more primal, immediate level than a typical videogame.

As for future titles, he sounds quite unemployed. He says that there are “ongoing talks” with unnamed parties about making games and mentioned that he’s really interested in the PSP and Nintendo DS. Specifically he was very interested if the PSP would ship with headphones and was eager to work on a Rez-type game with a system that could completely consume the user’s senses.”

… Once again, I really wish I could have been there, especially to check out that motion simulation ride he designed. And knowing that Star Tours might possibly have been a big influence on his work is on par with hearing Michel Gondry state multiple times that Back To The Future did indeed play a major role in the creative process just make me feel good inside.
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BTW, as I type this sentence, it’s almost six in the morning. I normally don’t wake up this early, but once again last night, I laid down to take a nap around 9 and “accidentally” slept till 4. So I’ve been playing games and surfing the web ever since.

While online, I usually have the tv on in the background, and this morning, Matrix Reloaded is playing on Cinemax. Almost everyone who knows me is well aware of my absolute hated for the entire Matrix franchise, starting with the first film, which people still regard as being “good”. It’s to the point where going into the fine details regarding how utter garbage it is has gotten extremely tiresome (and almost like a circus act for certain colleague of mine), so I won’t (otherwise I’ll be writing till 5 in the afternoon), but with part 2 playing, I do have to say that there is noting, and I mean nothing more ridiculous than seeing Keanu Reeves or Laurence Fishburne in a martial arts pose.

With all the bitching and moaning I did regarding the film as it’s release approached, I have to admit that I’m glad that it turned out to be as bad as it did, otherwise, I would have looked pretty stupid (even though I thought the first one was shit, there was always that chance, no matter infinitesimal it might have been, that the second one could have actually been good). And I have to give Matrix fans, who I had previously labeled as idiots some credit for actually recognizing the second (and later, the third) film for the piece of shit that it is.

Despite the fact that the fight scene with all those Agent Smiths is sorta cool, everything else is total nonsense. First off, you have the shitty story: I watched that scene with the Architect explaining how everything works on DVD about four times in a row, and with the subtitles turned on, and I still don’t understand it. Plus I love the narcissistic need from the directors to explain everything; I’ll give them credit for coming up with a novel reason why d?j? vu happens from the first flick, but the explanation for why vampires exist simply makes me want to punch a wall. But then there’s the acting. Forget about Keanu (though he was great in the Bill and Ted flicks), Carrie-Ann Moss, who was awesome in Memento and I find incredibly pleasing to the eye, is actually embarrassing to watch in this movie, and she’s wearing tight leather practically the whole time! Then there’s that shitty rave scene. Plus, I know this is old, but I have to ask again… orgasm cake? What the fuck? I can go on, and on, and on, and on, and…

But what pisses me off the most is how the directors managed to get people to believe they were some sort of geniuses (oh yeah…. I’m sure they had all three movies laid out in their minds… uh-uh). But maybe they still are; up until now I’ve had absolute zero interest in checking out the last Matrix flick, but now that has changed. There’s a deluxe Matrix DVD box-set coming out soon which will feature all the movies with yada, yada, yada. But according to a report on IGN…

“ There will be two audio commentaries for each film: one from philosophers Ken Wilber and Cornel West, who analyze the meanings behind the films, and one from three film as-yet unnamed film critics who hated all three films. This should be good. Andy Wachowski said “They just sit there and rip the s*** out of us for six hours.”

… Holy shit. I may actually have to scope this out.

But lastly, and I know I’ve said it countless times, but it still bares repeating: TRON WAS THE REAL MATRIX
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Finally, I just received word from my web-host that due to heavy traffic (I can’t believe people actually come here!), I’m close to exceeding my allotted bandwidth, which means this site might disappear for a bit, so please hang in there.

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