09/06/2008

Short And Sweet (Kinda… Okay, Not Really)

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

So it?s a bit past two on a Friday night and I’m back with another update. What gives?

Well… There seems to be some issues going on with my web host, 1&1, which is hardly a surprise since they kinda suck. Anyway, I’ve heard a few people tell me that the default journal page (those of you that use RSS feeds and LiveJournal will go directly to the latest entry, but everyone else uses fort90.com/journal, which has the three latest posts all at once) is loading super slow, or not at all, which appears to be the case on my end as well. Even though I don’t have as many pictures at once as I sometimes have, I figure a nice smaller post, devoid of images, might helps things a bit while the goons at 1&1 work on the issue. Or at least that’s what tell me they are. More than likely, it was bullshit.

Plus, given how ridiculously long my posts have become, I guess its about time I finally keep things short and sweet, like I’ve been meaning to forever now…

- Anyhow, once again, its a Friday night and here I am at home, and not out getting sloshed at some Japanese bar restaurant in the village. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… I’ve actually become quite the homebody as of late. Guess its due to a combination of old age, my desire ti lighten up on the beer drinking, and how Fridays are a veritable gold-mine when it comes to Manhattan cable access in the later hours, as I’ve said about a billion times by now (though even I’ve given up on calling the cranky black psychic… last week’s conversation might be the last one for a while; I’m no idiot, the fact that we have a regular, chummy conversation means he’s not yelling at some poor sap, which equates to less than compelling television).

Though earlier this evening was yet another chiptunes boat cruise, which I would TOTALLY gone to, if I hadn’t found out about it at the last minute, which was around 1 this afternoon (even Dave Mauro had no clue, and he normally is the first know about anything chiptunes related in the city). Which really bites since, given there’s this big tropical storm coming to town, winds have been strong all afternoon in the city, so I can only image how rocky those waves are.

Plus, I would have wanted to take Katie along, but because she’s seeing her folks tomorrow, she wouldn’t have been able to stay out late (due to that early Port Authority bus… she actually went to bed a few hours ago already). So instead we watched TV…. though wrestling was preempted for fucking baseball, which naturally pissed me off (sorry, but I’m just so fucking annoyed with pretty much every local sports team, though its the worst when its the Yankees). Instead we had to settle for America’s Funniest Home Videos, which at least brought about this absolutely brilliant idea from Katie:

“I want to tape America’s Funniest Home Videos and submit it to American’s Funniest Home Videos.”

- Speaking of chiptunes, I keep forgetting to mention that Blip Festival 08 was recently formally announced! Once again, coming this winter, the best of the best when it comes to chiptunes will converge in New York City for four solid days of beeps and boops.

I might actually be housing an artist or two that will need a place to crash while it town, though its a bit tentative at this point; as much as I would love to have some German dude whose m.o. is making music with Game Boys sleep on my floor for a week, it might conflict with other folks who might be coming to town for the holidays and that I’ve already promised to accommodate, hence why I might also not be able to attend all four nights either (sorry, I hate to be a lazy Manhattanite, but the fact that it’s in Brooklyn is somewhat of an annoyance as well). Which also means no gigantic show report for GameSetWatch either (sorry Simon).

- On a completely random note, I don’t know why I’m mentioning this, since I said I was gonna keep things brief, but here it is anyway: time to talk about politics, since the RNC just wrapped up and the Presidential race is officially in high gear. Here’s my two cents, sorry if it offends:

Basically, we’re fucked. Both candidates are total jokes. First McCain: fucker is OLD and in horrible shape. I completely respect that he’s a vet and was in a tiger box for how many years, but that’s about it. He’s just another old white guy like the ones currently fucking up this country, and more importantly, is all for the 100 year war. And his choice in running mate? Totally ridiculous. Sorry to alienate even more people, but I simply can’t take any woman that’s not for fellow women’s right to choose seriously at all. She seems like an angry, rather tense woman, and the fact that her most recent child has Down syndrome probably has a lot to do with it (and how her own politics perhaps forced her to carry the child despite her wishes… I know that’s really fucked up to say, but just think about it). The fact that she rushed back to work right after giving birth is perhaps indicative to how she feels about her baby, as well as demonstrating what a selfish person she is. I totally respect working mothers, but the fact that she isn’t taking the time to give the extra time and attention a Down syndrome child will need to pursue her stupid political aspiration is God damn pathetic. And her forcing that 17 year old pregnant daughter to get married is also indicative of what a wonderful parent she is. As for politics, I hear she was for the construction of that bride in Alaska that went to nowhere. Case closed. Oh, and she reminds me of an older, slightly chunkier version of Tina Fey, and given that I don’t care for the real thing… As you can see, I’ve spent twice as much time harping on Palin as I have McCain. Why? Make no mistake, if McCain wins, Pailin WILL be President. Again, the dude’s OLD and won’t last another eight years I’m willing to bet. He would have been better of by picking Liberman (who by the way, was one of the main reasons why I didn’t vote for Gore in 2000).

As for Obama, sorry, but he sucks too. And I know that’s going to annoy almost all my friends, but so be it. First off, everyone goes on and on and on about what an amazing orator he is. Whatever. He’s not horrible or anything, but just nothing special. Its just that everyone compares him to George W Bush, but ANYONE is going to sound brilliant in comparison. But yeah, I’ve listened to a number of his speeches and I still have no real idea what he’s going to do exactly. Its neat how he manages to get everyone excited and all that jazz, but I’m more concerned about the bottom line and finer details, and I just ain’t hearing it. Though at the end of the day, and I know people might not like to hear this, but he’s just another politician. No different from the rest of them. Some are actually aware of this and seem to just want him as Commander in Chief soley because of his race, which is somewhere I’m not gonna go near, at least not yet, nor state if such reasoning is acceptable or not. Then there’s Biden. Oh God, where to begin. This more than anything pisses me off about Obama. Guy’s a fucking loser. Is everyone aware of how much he loves wire tapping and thinks that the internet will doom us all? Just Google “baby food bombs” if you don’t know what I mean. Asshole has been trying to pass anti-privacy legislation well before 9/11. I also loved how he, along with all the other Democrats, was slamming the hell out of Bush over illegal wiretapping, yet he’s one of the dudes that really pushed the Patriot Act that allowed for such nonsense in the first place. And in general, his views on copyrights and how it plays along with technology in the new millennium has been total bullshit, and that’s actually been one of the first things I liked about Obama: his progressive views and unwillingness to further empower the recording and motion picture industry. Why does any of this matter? Long story short: Biden is a believer, along with the record and movie companies, that if some dumb kid is caught stealing the Dark Knight, that taxpayers should pay for all the litigation, not the money hungry companies. Once more, guy’s a tool.

And just for the record, I hope I don’t sound like some pissed off Hilary supporter, because I’m not. I didn’t like her either, despite loving her husband to death. Fuck, if Bill ran again, I’d vote for him in a heartbeat… yes, I’m one of those assholes. Long story short, like many people, for years I’ve been saying that anything would be better than Bush, but now that options are finally available, I’m not so crazy about going to the voting booth. I honestly don’t know who I’ll vote for… I’m just hoping that Ron Paul’s name is there, somewhere.

I used to believe that if you didn’t vote, you had no reason to complain. But upon hearing this, many I know have argued that it?s not worth voting if there is no candidate that you believe it. Valid point. Still, I do believe that most folks who’ve made it such a hobby to bitch about Bush for the past four years should have shut the hell up a long time ago, given how absolutely no one went to the polls last time, especially women, gays, and blacks, all groups directly affected by Bush. And BTW, anyone who wants to give me shit about my political views can go on ahead… Thing is, I won’t be bothered by any of it. I already developed my thick skin, after voting for Nader in 2000 and being told by scores of people how I single-handedly ruined the country. By folks who never actually bothered to vote, of course.

Oh shit… I’ve done what I hate the most: a blogger that’s gone all political. I’ll stop now.

- Anyway, because I almost have to what have I been playing? Not Grand Theft Auto 4, that’s for sure! Actually, my copy of Bangai-O Spirits finally arrived in the mail, so been all into that. Also, been giving Ridge Racer 6 another spin as well! Sorry, but I’m totally gay for the series. And because Microsoft just lowered the price of a few, very random things on the Xbox Live Marketplace, I might also picked up those extra stages in Beautiful Katamari, now that they’re (sorta) cheap. Oh, and there’s also both Yggdra Union and Infinite Undiscovery on the way, I almost forgot! And I swear that I’ll have reviews of all those games, plus all the other ones I keep talking about, very soon! I had better if I want to continue receiving games…

- Time to wrap it up! I have to get up early tomorrow for Joe Simko’s birthday shindig! Should be loads of fun. Not sure what we’ll be doing though… again, that oncoming storm kinda crosses out the possibility of heading down to Cony Island one last time before Astroland shuts down.

BTW, speaking of Joe, a shirt that he did the design for is in an upcoming Hollywood flick! The movie is called Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and it stars the kid that played George Michael from Arrested Development. Anyway, you can see the trailer here… the shirt in question is worn by the Asian guy, which you can kinda see, despite the fact that there’s a jacket over it.

- Finally, even though I said I wouldn’t, I can’t help but pass along one tiny picture… easily the awesome thing in the longest time, at least if you’re a former diehard Metallica fan like myself:

1 comment

09/04/2008

“What A Kawaii Day!”

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

And I’m back already! Like I mentioned last time, I’m kinda backlogged, so time to dive head first into a bunch of random game-related bits and pieces (again, lots of old links to be sure, though not to those of you out there that don’t surf gaming message boards 24/7, I’m almost certain)….

- I mentioned shirts last time, and most recently I discovered these: Virtua Fighter shirts courtesy of UNIQLO…

… I first found them via UK Resistance and immediately went on NeoGAF to find out if anyone in the England would be willing to pick them up for me, only to discover that, not is it sold out there, but they were actually available in the NYC store for a while, which I obviously had no clue about. Damn.

- So the war between Rock Band and Guitar Hero seems to only intensify. Perhaps folks on the street might be surprised to hear this (okay, maybe not), but some of us in the gaming press world is well aware of their rivalry, and how hot it is, for some time now. Though I’m guessing the secret is getting out with the latest tit for tat regarding their drum kits.

As noted previously, I’m looking to get my hands on Rock Band 2 for the Xbox 360, especially since it comes out first! But mostly so I can not only play all the new stuff, but all the DLC for part 1, as well as all the original songs imported. But because I already have four guitar controllers (GH1 & 2 for the PS2, and two RB1 guitars for the Wii), I was only going to get one and possibly a GH4 guitar, just to see what that’s like (especially since MS and Sony want all their stuff to be cross compatible). But now I’ve heard that I might be able to use my RB1 Wii guitars on the 360 for RB2, which would be awesome. I guess I should drop them a line for some clarification…

- Or I could simply ditch everything and get Guitar Praise and GIVE MY SOUL TO THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.

- Oh and Brett Ratner, the guy who made that shitty X-Men movie, wants to direct a Guitar Hero movie. Ummm, weren’t we supposed to get a Crazy Taxi flick first?

- The third ridiculous Rock Band/Guitar Hero item of the day is an oldie, but a goodie: some kid recently dropped out of high school to concentrate on his GH skills, and his parents approved. What the fuck is wrong with people?

- Here’s something Jason recently gave me the head’s up on: I’ve been Wikipedia-ed in Japan!

The real funny part is how the referenced post starts with me giving some big warning about there being many pics ahead, which I guess was the case back in 2005, but nowadays I have ten times as much on average. Well, I find it humorous at least. Okay, enough ego-stroking for now…

- And here’s something that Joe Salina passed along: a video of some guy playing Sonic 1 while chatting in a nice and calm, soothing voice with sexy jazz in background.

The same dude is also plays through Super Tempo as a talk show radio host, an ultra obscure Saturn platformer that I actually own but have only played for about 30 seconds, as well as TryRush Deppy as Mayou Angelo(?!?!), a title that I unfortunately missed out on.

- Going back to Japan and Nintendo, remember that ultra WACKY JAPPY title I mentioned a while ago, Captain Rainbow? Well, here’s the official homepage, first off. Unfortunately, no world on a domestic release (I’m certainly not holding my breath), which totally blows since the more I hear about it, the more I totally need to get my hands on a translated copy.

Especially after hearing that a major part of the game revolves around dealing with various past their primes Nintendo characters, including the “is it a he or a she?” pink bird boss from Super Mario 2 and how you have to bust her ass out of jail because everyone thinks it was a he trying to use a lady toilet. Once again, WACKY JAPPY!!! SO KAWAII!!!

- Came across this on Amazon: The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy. I’ll let the product description do all the talking here:

“With both young and adult gamers as loyal fans, The Legend of Zelda is one of the most beloved video game series ever created. The contributors to this volume consider the following questions and more: What is the nature of the gamer?s connection to Link? Does Link have a will, or do gamers project their wills onto him? How does the gamer experience the game? Do the rules of logic apply in the game world? How is space created and distributed in Hyrule (the fictional land in which the game takes place)? How does time function? Is Zelda art? Can Hyrule be seen as an ideal society? Can the game be enjoyable without winning? The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy not only appeals to Zelda fans and philosophers but also puts video games on the philosophical map as a serious area of study.”

Sounds pretty interesting. Okay, I’m sold. I’m especially interested in seeing how they address all the various timelines of the series (which is one of the main reasons why I loved Wind Waker so much). Then again, the folks behind this particular books is also behind a bunch of other “and Philosophy” books, featuring Battlestar Galactica and the iPod?

- I normally hate on G4, like everyone else (though Ninja Warrior is still very much awesome), but their Will Wright Minutes are actually pretty neat, like this one on the Russian Space Station, and this one on Care Bears.

- I also normally could care less about parody game pieces, since most fall flat on their faces, but I mist admit, this particular one on face 2600 games did get a few chuckles out of me, if only because of the Kramer vs Kramer and Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas mentions.

- Some folks, who know that I am increasingly becoming annoyed with the whole world of “serious games” often ask why, but from now on, I’m just going to forward them this post from Water Cooler Games, which sums it all up all very nicely for me already.

- This has been making the rounds all day, and I gotta say, I kinda want one…

… For more info, simply head on over to Technabob.

- Speaking of Space Invaders, there’s a WiiWare title on the way called Space Invaders Get Even in which you (finally) play the role of the bad guys. Looks… like a WiiWare game alright.

(fake) EDIT: Hey, just found some more info, courtesy of Siliconera

And since I haven’t mentioned it here yet, for the two people out there who haven’t heard, there was a fusion of Space Invaders and 9/11 that caused quite the stir at the Games Convention at Leipzig that Kotaku was all over at the time (which I basically compiled into one handy little forum thread).

- Also via Siliconera is an interview with the person behind the next last Dreamcast game, Wind and Water: Puzzle Battles.

I actually got the chance to play the game not too long ago; it was part of the Independent Games Festival, mobile devision, which I was a judge for as some folks might recall. And it wasn’t half bad! The music in particular was outstanding.

- Time for the obligatory Gamasutra link: this one is an interview with Hirokazu Yasuhara, the man behind all the levels in Sonic 1, as well one of the main dudes behind Sonic R, which I still think isn’t that bad of a game! At least the soundtrack still rocks.

- Hey, let’s talk about shumps! First off, has anyone out there ever played Shienryu Explosion? What about AIRRADE? How would one go about acquiring the second game? I’m hoping to find the first one, somewhere at Black Cats, provided it does have a PS2 release.

- Cave’s got two new shumps coming out. The first is Death Smiles, that’s all Gothic Lolita and shit…

… Looks hawt! And then you have the second, which no one knows the name of yet, that also stars girls, but they’re much younger, and…. questionable looking. I guess Otomedius isn’t the only Moe-riffic shooting action in town?

- Apparently not! G.rev also has a cutsey shump on the way called Mamoru-kun wa Norowarete Shimatta! in development, and Insert Credit recently posted links to both wallpapers and a playguide!

- Via the Japanese shumps blog, Saganami Kaihen, which has pics of the WiiWare Gradius remake…

Then there’s this mysterious looking Xbox 360 shump, which I have not a single clue about…

(actual) EDIT: I just realized that most of those screenshots are from Thunder Force 6 for the PS2! I guess when I saw that first screen of the 360 controller, I assumed they were all related, but now I’m guessing its just for the game immediately following it.

- The gay guys are back! And they’re heading to the PSP.

- And according to Insert Credit (via Sazanami/Saganami Kaihen once again), Shooting Love is coming to the 360!

BTW, here’s a YouTube video of the game in action which some might recall me running into during my trip to Japan last year. So I guess Shooting Love is the Shumps Skill Test, or is a part of it? And how does Exzeal it into things? I’m still a little confused about that part.

- Sticking with Insert Credit, might as well head on over there to see what’s cooking (or unearthed, to more precise)…

… Some person has developed an ultra low-profile, and completely open source 8-bit console called the Uzebox that sounds pretty damn amazing, and looks it too:

Here’s a whole bunch of videos featuring actual footage from assorted M2 titles, which some might recall was supposed to be the successor to the 3D0. My God, after all these years… to FINALLY see the original D2 in motion.

… There’s apparently an upgrade to Arcana Heart 2 (which I still haven’t played yet, despite spotting it at Chinatown Fair the one time I went to play SF4, and it was completely deserted as well) called Amazing Arcana Heart 2, and features some new playable characters including a girl that rides a wolf and uses a croquet mallet. Neat!

… I actually came across it myself some time before, though I forget how exactly, but am glad to be reminded of its existence; the theme to Mega Man 3, plus lyrics. Oh, I remember now. One night I spent almost three hours on YouTube sticking to just Mega Man videos alone, either music videos (to bad there’s none for part 3) or clips from assorted hacks.

… Check out these contemporary games (as well as some classics), totally re-envisioned for the original black & white Game Boy. They are beyond amazing:

… God, I absolutely LOVE hearing about old, never released games for the Jaguar, especially Jaguar CD.

… And thanks to Insert Credit, I am now officially interested in Princess Debut (because it’s by Cave, plus I tend to trust Brandon’s recommendations).

… Moving onto the IC forums: here’s a thread concerning a fan-made Virtual On flick that’s in the works. And here’s one regarding emulation on the Xbox 1, which in features various vids of ultra crappy, Asia only games (not including Metal Wolf Chaos, of course), such N.U.D.E.@Natural Ultimate Digital Experiment. I had no idea that there was a Shin Megami Tensei title for the system!

… Plus, here’s a thread on Street Fighter 4 that was going just fine till I popped in to pass along my two cents, and, well, you can see for yourself. My favorite part would have to be the vitriolic reaction to my stance that, whatever is fair within the context of a fighting game, i.e. the tools that is offered to you, is fair:

“Yes, videogames are always expertly crafted and perfectly balanced since the industry has long since honed its craft to the point where they get everything completely right on the very first release. It’s exactly that simple, and it has nothing to do at all with whether or not it’s actually in the spirit of fairness or fun. Since it’s just a videogame, you can ignore such considerations that require intelligent thought and adopt a totally appropriate attitude of cynicism. Making it a videogame means you, too, can act like the wiggers, chiggers, wannabe gangstas, and other fighting game tough guys by taking something created to entertain its users and completely sacrifice the concept of enjoyment for the sake of a pixelated win icon. Just like the kid that Shoto’d you in 3 seconds. That was fun, right?”

… Then there’s…

“i bet if more white people played street fighter you wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

“Yeah. Either that, or if it were less played by people so desperate for a national identity that becoming a stereotype looks like a good idea. Ching chong bing bong Mr. Pinoy, kung fu and fighting games make chi frah rah taste goo!”

- I guess it?s finally time to bring it into the home stretch! First up… So what’s the deal behind video game scores anyhow?

- Then you have this thread in which I seriously thought about getting my very own arcade cabinet!

- And how about this discussion on arty fart games that turns into talk about…. Wes Anderson?

- Regarding Mortal Kombat vs DC: it’s amazing how much of a difference a single animated gif can make!

- Am I just being a cheap-ass?

- For those into chiptunes…. BTW, I highly recommend the seventh track in the covers folder, which is a jaw-droppingly spot-on cover of my favorite track from Sonic 3.

- Here you’ll find plenty of talk about assorted 360 games from myself and Dave about Braid, Bionic Commando Rearmed, Galaga Legions, and Castle Crashers.

- Via the random video game videos thread comes this awesome Konami vs Capcom vid. Once again, I HAVE to fucking figure out how to get Mugen up and running on my end.

- Moving away from video games… Dear Bono, please shut.

- Ever wanted to know how to hack the subway? And I’m pretty shocked that PDF is still there.

- Screw baseball, I want to play some bossball!

- Something about women and time warps and something.

- Ever feel like reminding yourself that the Olympics was pretty fucking lame? Well now you can!

- Let’s talk about… nerdcore. Or maybe not.

- Ice T has a posse and its name is 4chan.

- Ham and cheese is no longer just for eating folks!

- Note to self: add Showgirls to my Netflix que.

- The new cat thread is still…. CUTE!!!

- Via the “Holy Shit, The Future!” thread…. it was nice knowing everyone!

- My, the world is such a splendid place these days.

- Related: it goes without saying that the grand old political thread is alive again.

- Via the random videos thread…

There was a Dolemite sequel made in 2007??? Why didn’t anyone tell me this?!?!

Bobby Hemmit has a message for all the black ladies out there. (NSFW audio btw)

Someone got braces! (once again, NSFW audio)

… Fear, the CUNT SMASHER!!!

For all you Jurassic Park fans out there.

And for all you Gremlins 2 fans out there.

… I know it TOTALLY sounds insane, but this (somewhat) lengthy BBC documentary on snuff films is still quite fascinating and worth the watch.

… Care to know what my latest favorite YouTube video of all time is? A day in the life of an American Otaku.

- And the most popular thread on the board has once again bore wonderful, wonderful fruit…

- Meanwhile, here in NYC… Spongebob + Torture + Coney Island = Art?

- Well, I’ve already missed Big Trouble in Little China, The Thing, and They Live, but at least I still have a chance to see Escape from New York on the big screen.

- Wan to know even more reasons why I totally hate the Yankees?

- Our final stop, as usual, is the Secret Chamber, where one can find footage of the banned Dr Who lesbian porn (you’re welcome), unintentional entertainment with Google Maps Street View, a thread that basicallytells it how it is, and finally this

No comments yet

Seriously.

Sorry to go there so soon, but hey, the last time I went off on a game I (surprisingly) got a bunch of responses, and I guess I’m looking for someone… anyone… to please explain to me what makes this game so fucking amazing. Because, apparently, its supposedly the greatest game of this generation, a milestone of interactive entertainment. And I just ain’t seeing it.

BUT! I’ll get to that in a bit (actually, after 30,000 words of other stuff, as usual). Plus, as I type this (around 9:45 last night), I’m actually in a terrific mood (whereas, playing GTA4 will put me in a foul mood, which often lasts up till an hour after setting down the controller) because Katie just started playing Super Mario RPG, which I just nabbed for the Virtual Console, and the music from that game also puts me in an ultra chipper mood!

Though with this latest purchase, I’m officially out of space on my Wii, which is less than thrilling, but I’ll get to that a bit later on… First things first:

Corrections & Clarifications From Last Time

- I incorrectly reported that the Belgian brew that Hilary gave to me was Duvel. It was actually Chimay. Sorry, but I think these little things are extremely important.

- Mooney last week mentioned that his pal, Reggadones, found my report of Rumbo in Dumbo XI and really dug it, but also passed along some clarification regarding his injury: “The reason behind Reggadones’ injury was so people would love him even more when he made his come back. And they do.”

I also neglected to mention that the best match of the night featured Jorge Santi and… some other guy. Sorry for not taking notes. Perhaps Mooney remembers.

- I’ve somewhat hit the wall when it comes to Wii Fit. And Jason has come to the rescue; he knows a person who is friendly with a personal trainer, so I’m going to have him come over and see what I’m doing right and wrong. From there he’ll provide not only feedback on how I can improve but perhaps everyone else out there? Since I can’t be the only person who is struggling to make heads or tails of some of the activities. So I guess Wii Fit: The Missing Manual is coming real soon!

The Beat Goes On

Anyway, once again, nothing terribly exciting to report from the past week or so (the good stuff, as usual, must not be divulged due to NDAs and the such I’m afraid). There was yet ANOTHER Rock Band shindig, this time a party at a swanky bar downtown that I brought Dave Mauro and a few others to, my band you could say. Had some drinks, saw some familiar faces, plus became acquainted with some new ones (sup Jim from Kotaku and Sean from the Star Ledger), and of course, played Rock Band 2 more than a few times. I sang our first song, Today by the Smashing Pumpkins (I kinda wanted to do a reprise of Sabotage, but I felt it best to stick to new songs), and stuck to bass for the rest of the night. Though whatever reason I was unable to deploy star power with the guitar I had, a problem everyone else seemed to have (Sean had trouble, as did N’Gai from Newsweek, who thought it was just him), despite Jeff the producer of the game’s assurances that everything was fine, but otherwise fun was had by all…

… Though I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one annoyed by the gaggle of ditzy broads from some fashion blog, a bunch of Sex In The City devotees for sure. One of them ended up yelling at me for handing the bass over to some dude who was most certainly next in line, “Hey! I’ve been waiting for two hours!” Which was bullshit since it was about a little over an hour into the festivities by that point. When they finally hit the stage, they naturally didn’t bother to play the game, and instead just hammed it up for their fucking cameraman (sorry to sound like such a gamer geek, but come on). But I digress.

The Time To Be Vampires Is NOW

This past weekend saw Horror Night 3 come earlier than planned; initially I proposed a mid September date, but when it became clear that my schedule would not allow it, nor Joe Simko’s or Jay’s, it was decided to do something quick and dirty and as soon as possible. Sadly, none of the Beer Drinking Fools could attend, but our women folks (Katie and June) filled their shoes, plus it allowed us to do a little bit of Rock Band before the festivities formally went under way.

So what was shown? I tried to not just deliver on quality but quantity, with about six flicks in the wings, though only three (and a quarter) was eventually tolerated. First up was Nothing To Fear from Sprout, the fine studio that brought us Karate Ruler. The basic concept of the film (the full title btw is Nothing To Fear: Behind the Scenes) is that its a retarded version of the Blair Witch Project.

The plot goes something like this: a bunch of Sprout folks are sent to the woods to film a scary movie. The setting is a manor whose proprietor ends up with the lead role of the evil vampire; the dudes is supposed to be creepy and scary, but simply ends up being hilarious instead, with his bad acting and all. Anyhow, as the days pass, each actor as they film their scene, becomes an actual slave, cuz the dude really IS a vampire! Despite the fact that he doesn’t seem phased by sunlight and the such. Sorry to give away the plot, but it kinda takes a backseat to the awesome cast; Nothing To Fear tries hard to play with the fourth wall, by acknowledging that everyone has been in previous Sprout movies, even dropping references here and there. You have the “accomplished” actor who is pretty bad in the fake movie, but does a killer job yelling at the director (who is a “normal” person, and is a perfect caricature of the just out of film school douchebag)…

Then there’s the retard that doesn’t look or sound quite retarded, the old lady retard with the squeaky voice, the sassy black lady retard, and the quite but deadly looking one who doesn’t so much look like a vampire when he “turns” but a gay, leather dude. There’s also an interpretive dancing sequence that needs to be seen to be believed. Oh, and then there’s this girl, who is clearly not retarded and very much cute as fuck, enough that everyone who sees this movie has to ask what she’s about and wants only to see more of (myself included)…

… Speaking of, while making those screen-caps, I began to wonder if I should just do the whole movie, a la my GSW pieces, so if anyone’s interested, let me know!

And that was just the first movie! Second up was a real gem from the early 80s, as suggested by Katie: Chopping Mall! Long story short: a mall that employs three super high tech robots to act as late night security guards is the scene of mayhem when a lighting storm causes the hunks of metal to short circuit and go on a killing spree. The main victims are six sex craved teens that decide to have an orgy at the mattress store, and when one of the dudes runs out to get some post coital smokes and gets snuffed in the process…. which immediately results in the dead dude’s girlfriend’s head exploding due to an expertly aimed laser shot… that’s when the fun really begins! Given the era of time in which it came from, Chopping Mall not surprisingly had it all: a killer electronic soundtrack, a nice big mall with carpeted floors, bare tits (or “80′s tits as Jay correctly described them as), and a bunch of folks that are staples of the 80s cheesy horror movies, who naturally die gruesome deaths. Also, and once again not to give anything away but, the ones that survive are naturally the virginal dorks, and not their sinning, bodily fluid swapping buds.

The third movie is where I began to loose the audience: Killer Nerd, an early 90s horror flick, and shot on video no less! Starring Toby Radloff, aka the ultra dorky dork pal of Harvey Pekar (as seen wit the real Harvey in the American Splendor movie), Toby plays a nerd that gets pushed around by his coworkers, his mom, and punks on the street. He tries his best to fit it, going so far as to purchase instructional audio tapes from the TV, and goes to a party where he hooks up with two chicks that appear to appreciate him for trying to do his own thing (despite himself), but they end up being the girlfriends of the aforementioned punks. After getting his ass-kicked, Toby can take no more and thus becomes a killer. Anyhow, I became aware of the movie via clips on K Thor’s Evil DVD series (I believe volume 2) and figured it would be a perfect Horror Night choice. Though in the end, it was just another flick that was too bad to be any good, plus a hard lesson learned about the need to screen all candidates before unleashing them to your friends. “So, when the hell is he gonna start killing?” was uttered more than once by the gang, including myself; it took forever for the action to get started, and all the fumbling around up till the gore put June and Katie to sleep, while annoying the rest of us. Didn’t even bother with Bride of Killer Nerd, which was included on the same disc (which I would watch yesterday, and it really is just as bad, if not worse).

Thanks to Killer Nerd, The Untold Story didn’t get much of a response. Though not helping is how it was the fourth movie of the night, plus subtitled, so everyone began to shuffle out about fifteen minutes in. Which is a real shame, since the movie… which is from Hong Kong and stars Anthony Wong as a psychotic dumpling house chef that kills people and grinds them into the next day’s special…. is pretty God damn great. Maybe next time… that and Junk, this Japanese zombie flick that I also had on tap.

REVIEW: Grand Theft Auto 4

Otherwise, Labor Day weekend consisted of the usual: strolling around and people watching at Central Park, as well as fucking around the gift store (with Katie knocking some stuffed animals over, by accident of course, required a hurried exit), hanging with peeps (got drunk and ate copious amounts of Japanese bar food with Moony, but this time, it wasn’t Kenka but some other joint down the street), and some fine dining (finally got to try Pop Burger, and it was most excellent, save for the large degree of dip-shit tourists that gum up the joint, as well as many other parts of Manhattan). And of course, played lots of games, mostly the just released Castle Crashers, along with various other titles that I’ve no doubt already mentioned (all of which will definitely be getting reviews, since I’ve promised them for assorted PR folks, to justify the free loot). Plus Grand Theft Auto 4, a game which I want to like, and actually did in the beginning. But now, I simply can’t. Because it’s so clear that the whole thing is just fucking nonsense.

GTA4 absolutely cements Rockstar’s ability to bamboozle everyone with smoke and mirrors, especially when it comes to the gaming press; my mind is simply blown by all the 10s and A+s the game was able to garner up its release. Either everyone was playing a completely different game, or my copy is just broken, or Rockstar simply paid everyone off. The biggest problem, which I can’t believe everyone is so seemingly willing to blindly accept, is the ATROCIOUS controls. As noted last time, its fucking pathetic that, for a game that emphasizes vehicles so much, that behind the wheels controls is so God damn abysmal. Absolutely everything controls like crap, making vehicle based missions an total chore. Though controls in general is a gigantic headache; things simply don’t do what they’re supposed to for whatever reason. Like when trying to hail a cab while on a date, but you end up hijacking the vehicle, which all of a sudden puts you in the middle of some police trouble. Or like when you’re supposed to throw a brick through some glass store front, and it’ll only through the door… if chucked at the side windows, it’ll just bounce off, lol. Better yet, there was once mission in which I was supposed to choose the fate of some dude hanging on the ledge, so when I opted to step on his toes and to kill the guy, we immediately see a close up of the ground and sound of a body hitting it, but no visuals. Back to where your character is, and the supposed to be killed dude is now just floating there right in front of you. So yeah, the game is just filled with stupid flaws in logic and bugs in general.

Despite all this, I’ve kept going. Why? Well, aside from the fact that Katie likes to watch (though the one time she did try to play it, Katie too got super pissed off, enough to never want to touch the controller ever again), especially after she discovered that there’s a Karl Lagerfeld radio station, I just want to get to fucking Manhattan. But instead, I’m seemingly forever stuck in Brooklyn and Queens, going through on boring and frustrating mission after another and another and another. The overall structure of the game is also totally asinine; my biggest beef with GTA since day one is how its allowed the bullshit idea of having a player walk around in a game’s world and forcing him or her to entertain one’s self and possibly become lost and confused and bored in the process (invariably), to not just become acceptable but actually popular. But GTA4 basically dangles carrots in front of you face the entire time while spitting in it. I was immediately annoyed how, when I found myself bored in the first ten minutes of playing how I couldn’t so all the time killing bullshit of the past, such as become a cabbie like in GTA3 without first having to unlock it, but making Manhattan off limits for so long is simply intolerable. I had to once again look online, and just found out that I need to complete another 50 or so stupid missions to finally gain access.

And it wouldn’t be such a problem if the missions weren’t such pains in the asses. Aside from the laughable controls (sorry, but I must once again mention that referring to the options menu is zero help since the diagram that shows what the controller does changes every three seconds, so basically 33 different Xbox 360 buttons, each used four different ways, equals to complete BULLSHIT) the other real problems is how boring they are, filled with some of the most unlikeable characters ever encountered in a video game world. Do this job for this guy, till he ends up dead, then work for another asshole till he croaks. Rinse and repeat. Wow, gripping stuff. All everyone does is yell at other. plus everyone’s just some stupid racial caricature (not that I’m upset by such things, but it’s all just so fucking lazy). Perhaps it was Rockstar’s intention to have everyone so unlikeable or annoying, though that’s giving them too much credit. They genuinely thought they were creating something groundbreaking. Yet it’s all just low-rent, wannabe Sopranos bullshit, when all is said and done. Again, the best fun that can be had is simply driving around, listening to the fantastic radio stations, and watching television… basically, avoiding people in general. General mayhem, like getting into random fights would be tons more fun if, once again, controls weren’t so ridiculous and combat wasn’t so borked.

I apologize for repeating myself so much, but GTA4 has gotten under my skin in a way that no other game in recent memory has. Last night I decided to throw in the towel and utilize a cheat code (since I knew I would never, ever finish the game and could care less about not getting all the achievements) to get the cops off one’s back, which is what happens if you try to access Manhattan before it wants you to. But after driving around for ten minutes, I couldn’t find the entrance to the bridge, which cause me to almost stomp my 360 to pieces, so instead I wrote the statement that kicks this post off with. To sum it up, dear Rockstar: fuck you, and I want my money back.

Odds & Ends

- Even though Labor Day has passed us by, Meat Bun’s holiday sale is still going on! So now everyone can get the ultra groovy Super Neo Mega Turbo shirt at a dirt deep discount! Which reminds me: gotta get me that Auto Hunter shirt while the going is still good.

- Speaking of shirts, my buddy Brian from Oddica, who has talked about getting things back on track, is doing just that, with word of new shirts coming down the pipeline along with a fresh start. And to kick things off, all the existing stuff is also on sale!

- Hey, remember ICON? How I basically said “okay, that’s it for me”? Well, I’ve been speaking with the new person in charge of electronic gaming over at ICON for the past week or so, and… with the changing of the guard, along with a bunch of other different things down the road, comes renewed interest in participating. So I guess I might be back next year, when all is said and done? Provided if I can fit it in my hectic schedule…

- Though one can definitely count on me at the New York Comic Con 09! I’ve been speaking with the organizers about returning to the stage, after my last impromptu appearance last time was such a success. The details have not been settled upon, but I’ll basically be on-hand to talk about the wild world of video games, naturally, both the serious and not so serious bits… And who knows? Perhaps it might make the return of my popular top ten and worst ten games of all time? Revised, of course.

- Speaking of comics, as always, I’m constantly looking to fill-out my portfolio and find another steady paycheck. I recently wrote a brief guide for those who used to be into comics but have been away for a while and are looking to get back into the thick of things for Giant Realm, with the hopes of it becoming some regular thing. No idea what the final word is…

- And regarding my own comics, I’m happy to say that I’m looking at least one new installment of UNLUCKY, but possibly two at SPX, about a month from now! I know that Hilary, Allan, Travis, and Dave Savage are all busting their asses to get stuff done in time, and I can’t wait to see the fruits of their labor, since I know its gonna be fucking hawt.

- I’m also hoping to give the podcast yet another go. Been kinda lazy about that, I know. Was actually gonna bug Mike about doing another recording session this upcoming weekend, but I then found out he’ll be out of town for some wedding, in Washington State. Plus he’s sick (as is everyone at the moment it seems… so is Katie, and now me), hence why we had to cancel our boxing appointment (I guess I’m back in okay shape to resume training, plus he needs another person to help hone his hand-to-hand skills while does ground-fighting training with his buddy Fitz). Remember Mike, when you’re in Seattle, eat a Dick.

… Okay, I guess I should wrap it up here. Was gonna going into random video game links territory, but since this post is already at capacity… look for it in a little bit (since I really need to play catch-up).

No comments yet