05/16/2006

Hey Look Kids, Big Ben!

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

So this past weekend was SPACE (Small Press and Alternative Comics Expo ) in Columbus, Ohio. The whole thing was a mixed bag; on one hand, the itself show was sort of a bust, and we spent most of our time on the road, which made us all go totally nuts, plus … and no offense to anyone who might be from Columbus… but the whole city is seriously one of the most boring places I’ve ever been to. It felt like just one huge college town, and seemingly devoid of any real culture. There was… nothing really, with the exception of fast food restaurants; seriously, every three blocks had a Wendy’s, and I know that’s where it comes from, plus I actually think its the best nationwide fast food burger chain out there, but they only added to the confusion when on the road. That’s another thing, the roads are seriously fucked and we constantly got lost, but more on that in a moment. But on the bright side, it was fun getting to hang out with Pat Lewis, who is this week’s “totally awesome guy.”

Things got started with MK, Robin, and myself hitting the road Friday morning. Aside from a detour in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania to both check out where Katie grew up and to get a Wawa chicken sandwich (we couldn’t find the place at first, and we contemplated even calling Mrs. Skelly at one point for help… nice city btw, aside from the fact that certain spots smelled like dried spit for some reason), it was just hours and hours of trees and farmland and religious billboards, as well as the occasional traffic jam (which of course drove MK nuts since she really hates Pennsylvania drivers with a white hot passion). We arrived in Pittsburgh after about six hours (it would have been five, but getting lost in Bethlehem tacked on an extra hour onto things) and met up with Pat, who took us to a diner for dinner, which was my first real reminder that I wasn’t in New York City anymore because the waitress was actually friendly.

About another five hours later, we were in Columbus. The thing was this: we didn’t have directions to the hotel but the convention center, which was some Shriners hall. Nearby was a Wall-Mart, and since we were dying to stretch our legs, plus MK needed a glue stick to put assemble her book, we decided to make a stop. The place was fucking huge, and the combination of being just happy to walk around, as well as being loopy from 12 hours of driving around, plus bizarre brands which you can only find out in the middle of nowhere made us all act like giddy stoners as we pointed and laughed at pretty much everything, whether it be bags of frozen chicken rings, or the dangerously huge jugs of Hawaiian Punch in every color imaginable, or rice crispy treats with local heroes on the box, which in this case was a pair of mother-daughter fishermen. Pat was obsessed with getting the “bukkake” gun, and I almost got a poster with a kitty cat in a handbag that said “Cat-tastic!” but passed since I knew the poster would get destroyed by show’s end, so instead I got one of those 300 page coloring/activity books for kids simply because the pictures were so surreal and bizarre, such as a pair of happy dolphins flying high in the sky via a biplane that has a look of genuine horror on its face. Once MK got her glue stick, which was impossible to track down since the store was so damn big we tried to find the checkout lanes, but actually got lost (I can’t emphasize enough how fucking huge it was), though we did come across the booze section and picked up a 12 pack of Heineken. Once everything was paid for, and we attempted to make our exit, a super creepy old guy (Wal-Mart prides itself by helping out the elderly by hiring crazy old folks to just stand around and say weird shit) tried telling us something which no one could figure out, which seemed more like a warning to get the hell out of town while we still had a chance more than anything else.

Wal-Mart robbed us of another hour, so we all just wanted to get to the hotel and rest up. Since we had directions from the hotel to the show, we decided to follow them backwards, but that didn’t work. Instead, we ended up getting trapped on the highway, hopelessly circling around the city, and once we managed to figure a way to get off, we found ourselves all the way at the every end of the main road, with the hotel being at the very far opposite end, which made us all want to scream. Well, at least I did, so as we made our way forward, I yelled out various insult to the folks on the street, which was exclusively yuppie trash and white bread, ramphead college dipshits. It was almost two hours between leaving Wal-Mart and finally reaching the hotel, where Liz Bailie (who I first met at the super hero wedding last Halloween… she was Harley Quinn, a.k.a. the bride) was waiting for us, who had booked the room, and despite the fact that we were all beat tired, no one felt like going straight to bed, so we all just sat around, drank, talked, and watched some celebrity nipple special on VH1 till 3 in the morning…

… Which meant that most of us had little energy for the actual show the next day. As mentioned earlier, the show was a bit unspectacular; I had no idea what to expect, but I was sorta hoping for something like SPX, at least content-wise, but for the most part it was bad super hero fare. When it comes to small press/indie comics, you can’t go wrong with auto-bio or funny books, but its almost always bad news when people try to do serious super hero books since at the very least, you need to know your anatomy. But those were the guys… there were women on-hand doing their own things as well, but unfortunately most were just lame attempts at manga, which I think most sensible comic fans will agree is starting to become the worst thing ever to happen to comics in the US. Not to go on a tirade, but I’m pretty much sick of all the manga that’s flooding the market today, primarily the stuff aimed at girls, because 95% of it is BAD (and no one is going to be able to convince me otherwise; its like guys who try to tell me that Dragonball Z is something epic and not just one long fight scene dragged out till forever… whatever). Seriously, go to the manga section of Borders and Barnes and Nobel and please try to tell me how one is able to distinguish 95% of what’s on the shelves from each other. But the worst is seeing American girls emulate such tripe; what’s the point of mimicking an art style that hails from another part of the world again? Especially when they all know that EVERYONE is doing the same damn thing? I guess most of my frustration stems from the fact that I know a few women who are wonderful artists, or at least were, until they hopped onto the manga bandwagon, and have since become both technically and creatively lazy and retarded. I almost find it insulting, as an Asian, to see Americans mimic the Japanese esthetic (I guess it must be what a black person might feel when they see stupid white folks try to rap and act all hardcore), especially to such the degree that its done today, since its so blatantly about jumping on a bandwagon which they just don’t “get”. It’s easy to understand why a vast majority of stuff that comes from Japan is so similar, since its ultimately a small, singular culture (relatively speaking), so naturally a lot of it is going to look alike. Plus given how they are published and its frequency, as well as the work schedule behind them, its no wonder why a majority of it so forumulaic. But to have Americans to copy such things, and down to the t, is just plain dumb. There are numerous America artists that have been strongly influences by manga and anime, but the ultimately they bring a touch of themselves into their work to make it unique. Just to clarify, I have no beefs with those who use manga anime as inspiration or a platform to lead into other things, just people just blatantly copy the style and form and that’s it. Once again, what is seriously the fucking point? And one more thing: there’s most than just one style prevalent in Japan, but unfortunately publishers like Tokyopop only bring over the big-named (and bland) stuff. There’s quite a few manga which looks like nothing else from Japan (or even our here) and that I’ve only been exposed to fleetingly and would love for them to take a chance on, but considering their idea of non-traditional manga is Family Guy, its a safe bet that we may never get it (though it would do Tokyopop well to look into something else other the same old same old, before the bubble completely bursts). BUT ANYWAY…

There were a few familiar faces at the show. Dave Sim and Gerhard were the guests of honor, and not suprisingly, their table was almost always crowded (though the funny thing is that it included women). Plus a few others that I sorta personally know like J. Chris Campbell, who had a whole slew of cool new books, including a collaboration with Rob Ullman, also in attendance (and who happens to create the best pin-up cuties in the business). Plus Andy (Runton) was there on the behalf of Top Shelf. He, like many others I spoke with, were totally drained from the trip there, so I already knew by one in the afternoon that there would be no one would be up for an night on the town after the show and that everyone was probably just going to just crash at their hotel rooms.

I also met some new folks, like Sean Bieri whose comics were super keen. But the big discovery between myself, MK, and Robin was Paulette Poullet; she had this little comic/zine gift-package called ComicCore which included silkscreened trading cards of 90′s stand up comics, such as Sam Kinison, Andrew Dice Clay, Stephen Wright, and Judy Tenuta. Simply awesome.

MK & I did okay saleswise; we made back the price of our table, though that wasn’t hard considering that they were only $40 (whereas MoCCA and SPX charge a couple hundred). Again, since it was mostly crappy super hero fare, we were by default the only real indie comics folks there, but since there was no audience for that at the show, we couldn’t capitalize. The one thing that did get me pissed off is that there were quite a few girls who I know would have absolutely loved my comic, but all of them were being dragged around by their dumbass boyfriends who dictated where they would go, and therefore what tables they came near, so there was zero chance for them to check it out. And on a related note, it seemed that the only ones who bought my books were “intense” looking older guys.

Also lame was the location; no matter the show, there’s times when you just want to take a break and get some fresh air and grab a drink or snack. But the Shriners hall was literally in the middle of nowhere, so there was no where to go. Which meant we had to eat the food they had on-hand, which flat-out sucked. In the morning I got a cup of tea for MK from a vending machine and it smelled like (or was) pure melted plastic. For lunch they served hot dogs that were passable at best, but the nachos had cheese which appeared to be melted yellow crayons. And since Columbus is a college town, is by default a Coco Cola town, so the only water on-hand was Dasani, which is the only bottled water I can think of that actually adds salt, so you’re perpetually thirsty.

BTW, I did in fact end up meeting the other Matt Hawkins. Seemed like a nice guy. Oh, and this was officially the coolest guy at the whole show…

Everything was eight hours, which is average, but since we were so tired, it felt like sixteen, so everyone was dying to pack up. Afterwards we combed the city for something to eat that looked remotely healthy and upon Liz’s insistence we scoped out Japanese, which was a very good move. We ate at some place called Asian Yum Yum that was pretty scrumptious. Then we hit the liquor store across the street and went back to the hotel. Pat left to go hang with an old school chum who’s lives in Columbus, which left just the four of us in our room, with beer, and a Brady Bunch marathon on TV Land. First we started goofing on the characters, primarily gay jokes, then MK, myself, and Liz moved onto Robin as a target. Next we tried playing charades, which led to even more gay jokes, and eventually a tickle fight between Liz and Robin ensued. At a certain point the toilet got stuffed up, swhich meant I had to roam the hallways of the hotel for a public bathroom while things got fixed, and in which I also got lost due to the ultra confusing layout of the hotel; it just seems the whole city is determined to keep people there trapped. Our room as a whole simply sucked: the air condition was not cooperative and the beds were uncomfortable, though that could be because MK & I had jumped on ours enough and maybe caused damage (jumping up and down on beds is a hotel tradition of mine… yeah, whos’s the gay one, I know). Earlier in the evening I tried to draw a Hitler moustache on Robin when he had doozed off, so later when he was pinned by MK & Liz, the deed was finally done, along with a unibrow. Too bad Pat missed out on all the fun.

And that’s pretty much the highlights. Virtually all of the next day was spent on the road, trying to get the fuck out of Dodge, and of course, the roads fuckred with us. Though again, it was fun just talking with Pat when he was with us, who is like the best travel buddy anyone can ask for (and I should also mentioned that his latest book is a real hoot). The highlight or our Penn leg of the trip back home had to be dinner at the Waffle House where the overly nice waitress looked as us like we were from Mars (they don’t get many city slickers around their parts). Again, we got home late, and we were a bit too wired to sleep just yet, so we all watched some Strangers With Candy.

I took yesterday off from work as well, so MK & I simply bummed around Jersey; she took me to the White Manna which I had been dying to check out since first hearing of it from a greasy spoon tour across America special from Food Network many years ago. It more than lives up to the hype. We also went to the Korean super market so I could stock up on some Japanese candy, but I ended up getting a whole slew of food, much from my childhood which I hadn’t had in over 12 years. They even had Me Won, which is this spice which my mom lived off of. It’s like salt, but has a slightly different zing. My mom loved it so much that when we flew from South Korea to the US, she packed about twenty bags in our luggage, which caught the attention of the airport, since it basically looked like cocaine. But since it was Korea, they knew what Me Won was, and it passed; I have to wonder if we were on the other side of the ocean if things would have gone smoother… Anyway, as joyous it was to see a piece of childhood on the store shelf, I was horrified when MK pointed out that its basically MSG in powder form. Yikes.

Guess that’s it… I’m still somewhat recovering from the weekend. I’m supposed to go see Joe (Isfet) perform tonight at the Knitting Factory, but I’m so dead tired, I think I’ll be staying in (sorry Joe for being such a big pussy). Plus, I have a shitload of work from all last week and before which I couldn’t attend to due to my sinus and allergy problems, which thankfully are all under control. I suppose I should also catch up on all the post-E3 stuff that I missed over the past few days, though as far as I can tell, aside from the Wii, there’s nothing too much else to shout about. New Super Mario Bros came out today, right? I guess I could pick it out this week, though I might just wait till I’m done with my just arrived Gamefly titles, Viewtiful Joe Red Hot Rumble and Blood Will Tell.

  • http://pandahex.blogspot.com Katie

    The dried spit smell is probably the Lehigh River. Why didn’t you guys just ask ME for directions?

  • Liz

    I demand pictures of sHitler! At least email me ONE picture of Robin with the sHitler…. please? I need proof that it actually happened.

  • https://www.fort90.com Matt

    Katie: … I dunno. Maybe cuz I felt a little stupid for bothering you over a chicken sandwich. Admittedly an awesome one.

    Liz: Your wish has been answered.

    BTW, the whole night’s worth is on the way.

  • tiesto

    On Columbus… I’ve been there too a few years back for an ex’s Color Guard tournament (don’t ask :P )… and I will agree with you. It’s a thriving city, lots of giant corporations are HQed there and there’s a lot of suburban sprawl… and its fairly clean… but its just so damn dull. Seriously, driving around downtown on a Saturday night with 2 other friends, looking for stuff to do and not being able to find anything. I laugh when you mention all the Wendy’s you saw there… Actually, Dublin, OH is the site of the original Wendy’s. When asking people what to do when in town, someone mentioned to me… “Well, you can go and eat at the original Wendy’s…”

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