February 2005

02/21/2005

“WIZARD IS ABOUT TO DIE, NEEDS PIZZA BADLY”

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

- So I didn’t sleep last night. How come? I’ve just been so swamped with assorted projects as of late. Plus I got wrapped up in downloading ultra rare PSone games and reading comics. And yes, I have finally finished reading Scott Pilgrim, which I got as Xmas gifts from both MK and Raina Telgemier… even with two separate copies, it still took nearly two months for me to get around to reading it.

And as expected, it was indeed very much awesome. Its one of this things where people say “Listen Matt, you will love it” and they were totally correct. Though its not like I had any doubts, though this rather obnoxious review (which does make some good points but could have done so with 95% less words and without the desperate attempt to sound hip) did rain on the parade a tad bit.

But yeah, it was a fun read and I totally dug the art. Every characters was extremely well defined, and with just the smallest of details. And best of all, the video game references were not only smart but actually serviced the narrative (and in an original manner to boot). I can’t wait for volume 2, and even the movie.

Anyway, on an even more embarrassing note, MK lent me her collection of Sandman trades because… I’m ashamed to say…. I have never read a Sandman comic before. I’ve always known that the book’s amazing, I guess I’ve never gotten the chance to see for myself. Also, I guess it was a given among most of my friends that I had read it, so the issue never came up. So maybe now I look a bit hypocritical for giving so many people a hard time for never reading Watchmen. Or maybe not.

- As for the rest of the weekend, MK and I went down to Delaware Saturday night to hang with Andy and Morgan at their friend Winn and Cali’s apartment (which was the site of the Halloween party). There was plenty of booze on hand, so it was no surprise that drunk girl was also present. She was so drunk that she kept on grabbing MK’s breasts, and at one point even bit one of my nipples (she didn’t bite hard, but considering it was my left one, which was once bitten off before already, I had cause to freak out). The funniest moment had to be when I showed her a pin of a cartoon cat and she flashed it.

At first we tried playing Trivial Pursuit, but everyone was super sloshed which meant a lot of fucking around, and while that was funny at first, it just ended up dragging the game out, and by the end was pretty annoying. MK and I won, but that’s mostly because we were sober; after last weekend, neither of us are in any rush to get hammered anytime soon. Then we all went downstairs to watch the NY cable access tapes that I made for Morgan, and its always a joy to see new people being introduced to a show that features nothing but car crashes/strippers/explosions/breasts/the Olsen Twins (Winn, being a film guy, went “I know there that’s from!” every five seconds of Concrete TV), another that just has stuffed animals dancing to old records, even more strippers, this time with insanely bad boob jobs, and of course, Groover head-hanging to Du Hast.

Later in the evening, while I was in the midst of a forced session of dueling psycho girlfriend stories, Winn noticed that I my Red Dwarf t-shirt (one that was fan made, imported from the UK, featuring Zero G Football, which is such an obscure reference that absolutely no one at any of the sci-fi or fantasy cons I’ve been to has ever made the connection), so he showed me an old tattered Red Dwarf companion book that he’s had for easily ten plus years which featured some cool behind the scenes stuff. Plus, I ate at Wawa’s twice that night, which was beyond awesome.

- Also on Friday night, MK and I stopped by Target and I discovered Advance Guardian Heroes for $13, which I got of course. Never-mind that it’s been universally panned as piss-poor follow-up to the Sega Saturn classic or how I literally groaned when first seeing the game in action (visually its a horror-show, with poor animation, dull backgrounds, and tons of flicker). But once I found out about the story, I knew I had to get it; it’s like the Kickboxer of video games. Remember how Jean-Claude Van Dam was the star of the first one, but didn’t appear in the second? How they took his character, which the whole first film was built around, and killed him off real cheesy like in the first 2 minutes of the second film? That’s what Advance Guardian Heroes is like, a big “fuck you” to all the fans of the first one (and there’s nothing better than pissing off a small, dedicated fan base… its much more satisfying that pissing off a large bunch of casuals that ultimately don’t really notice or care).

- In other game related news, that rumor of a Mario Kart arcade game turned out to be fact. If you look right about the screen, you might see the camera that takes the player’s face for his or her avatar during the race.

And yes, that’s Pac Man in the last pic. Both him and Ms. Pac Man are in the game (Namco’s been sneaking Pac Man into racing games since R4: Ridge Racer 4). For more pics, just go here. As always, thanks to neo2046 at the GAF for the scoop.

- I know this old news by now, but for those who missed it: players of Everquest 2 can now order pizza directly from the game. As if MMO players didn’t already have a bad enough rep for being fat and lazy. Needless to say, as soon as this news hit, eveyone on message boards came up with their own cute play on the famous tagline from Gauntlet (such as myself; she title above).

- Well it seems that Ubi Soft listens to the public. Kinda. After the huge stink everyone made regarding the box art change for Lumines, they’ve decided to change it to this. It’s better I guess, though everyone can agree it still stinks.

Meanwhile, Mizuguchi was recently interviewed in Continue Magazine, perhaps the most acclaimed gaming mag in the Japan today, and some pretty interesting stuff was revealed, or at least that’s the word; since I don’t understand Japanese, I can’t verify or debunk.

The big news to is how his company is producing a game that’s based on an idea from a developer that’s outside of Japan. And this of course fueled speculation as to who, with many believing it’s Harmonix, producers of Frequency and Amplitude, two music driven games that I really wish I just couldn’t get into no matter how hard I tried (control is just art too cold and awkward for me). Adding to the speculation is the fact that the CEO of Harmonix and Mizuguchi are sharing a panel at the GDC.

But to me, the real interest tidbit was a comment regarding Lumines, in which he wanted to make people cry with it.

- One last thing on the game: here’s a track from the game that, and I swear to God, is the sweetest piece of “gaming music” I’ve heard since… since Rez really.

- There’s a guy who teaches game development by having his class create games for the NES. You can even play his students’ work, and I hear that some of them are quite good.

- This just in today: there’s going to be a Bone video game and it’s by the folks who were behind Sam & Max 2! After that game got the axe, they began working on a secret project, and I guess Bone was it. And I honestly can’t think of a better fit.

- So last night, when I fired up my GBA to play Advance Guardian Heroes (which was also the first time I’ve touched the system since Xmas), I noticed something: frozen pixels! Its a problem thats long been talked about, and feared, for the past few months during various DS and the PSP discussions and debates, and never once had I heard anything about it related to the GBA. It’s not horribly big or anything… it’s only one pixel tall. But… I just…. can’t stop…. staring at it.

My options are limited. Any action this point would be a bit of a waste, especially since the DS plays GBA games and I know I’m getting that soon. But still… I blame Advance Guardian Heroes!

- Also last night was the premiere of Robot Chicken, the new stop animated Adult Swim show from the folks behind Twisted Toyfare Theater, and overall, it was pretty damn good. I’ll be honest; I’m a total sucker for anything related to Transformers, hence why I just ate up the prostrate cancer PSA. Plus, regarding the Battlestar Galactica skit, it was just fun to see my old Cyclon toys in action.

Some of it was good, some of it not so hot, and a few things here and there was genuinely laugh out loud funny. It’s nothing brilliant, but solid, which from an Adult Swim show is fine enough for me, plus the animation is really quite nice (I dare say more work went into that one fifteen minute episode in an entire season of Sealab (sorry, I love the show and all, but it’s true).

Back to Transformers: Optimus’s death scene in Robot Chicken blows away the one in the movie.

- And back to comics real quick, everyone should check out this super cool online exhibit featuring many works from artists both now and way back whenever.

- Finally, here’s something I forgot to post for Mac nerds: an online simulator of OS 7.5.5. I think it’s pretty neat (ah, how far we’ve come!) but I really should have checked it a bit better before spreading it around via the GAF. If you’re at work, don’t look in the trash just yet. :)

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02/17/2005

The Greatest Things Ever

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

WARNING: Once again, tons of pics ahead, sorry 56k.

- Yesterday, before class, I got a surprise visit from Farel. He’s in town for a friend’s wedding, and was on his way to Jim Hanley’s Universe for the Bizarro Wold book signing, but had some time to stop and chat for a few, and that really made my day. Farel is a truly awesome guy and some of my best times here in NYC have been with him, simply because (and maybe more so than any other friend) he knows how to have a good time. Hence why I can forgive him for dissing Black Belt Jones in favor of Viva Knievel (I really hope MK made it to the signing and was able to give him a hard time about it).

- As for class, everything went smoothly even though I forgot to bring some 2600 roms and a controller. So when I went over the golden age of gaming, I simply concentrated on arcade classics, and I don’t think the students had too much of a problem with using just a keyboard. Plus, during my overview of Atari, when I brought up the Cosmos, this current auction came in very handy.

- For those who are curious, I had a lovely Valentine’s Day with MK (the first time ever, actually). And thankfully, when I got so pissed at the retard waiter at the restaurant to the point that it looked like I wanted to seriously punch him in the throat (along with some jack-off who was carrying his dumb kid around in his arms but wasn’t paying attention and I got hit in the back of the head with his little snotty spawn), MK found it humorous and not mortifyingly embarrassing. Plus, I have a great little story about some crack-head lady who took a monster piss right in front of me that night, but I think I’ll pass it along later.

- I forget if this was mentioned before, but the original plan was for me to go to San Fran with MK for APE, but due to a variety of reasons, those plans have been cancelled. One was that I wanted to have a comic, which I was originally going to do for True Porn 2, available for sale, but now I doubt that I would be able to make even an April deadline. Another reason was a conflict with another possible speaking engagement. And that possible has turned into concrete; once again, I will be talking at ICON. Be sure to check out the news sections for more info as it comes.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world of video games…

- Remember that Kamari hat that was on eBay not too long ago? Well the girl in the picture is actually the creator, and it was so popular that she’s decided to make a business out of it…

- Meanwhile, if you live in Japan, you can get a Katamari hand puppet via Sony’s PlayStation 5th Anniversary celebration

- And from Tecmo, you can get this awesome Kasumi mousepad…

… I guess it’s a bit “been there” considering how sexy mousepads have been around for a while now, though it should prove popular with those who really wanted the Kasmui pillow.

- Back to the subject of Valentine’s, here’s a story of some guy who proposed to his loved one via Animal Crossing. Awww….

- So Ubi Soft, which many will recall was in the process of a possible hostile take-over by EA (and was doing their best to fight it) is now talking with them regarding a possible merger. France cannot be happy with this, especially since they actually fund game development, and I believe gave Ubi some money not too long ago (plus they hate American business, and with shit like this it’s not hard to see why).

I just hope all this happens after Ubi releases Lumines in the states; knowing EA, if they had it their way, all the music would be replaced with that EA Trax bullshit. Though Ubi’s doing a good enough job by themselves with fucking the game up; just compare the simply beautiful original to the brand new god-awful offering…

- Anyone familiar with the burgeoning Korean gaming scene can tell you that a majority of the stuff coming out from there is either a blatant rip-off of an established game or a MMOPGP. Well here’s some screenshots of something that’s both…

- Neo202046, a great source of info on the GAF (he was the one who broke news about the Korean faux-Wind Waker) also mentioned of a rumor from Japan about a possible Mario Kart arcade game being developed by Namco (who recently did the recent Starfox Assault and Donky Konga). The game, if it indeed exists (seems pretty plausible to me), will be unveiled at AOU 2005 tomorrow.

- Also on the GAF, someone posted a screenshot from Tattoo Assassin. I didn’t pay much attention to the blatant Mortal Kombat rip-off when screens first surfaced, but after seeing this…

… I now must play this game if I wish to die happy.

The screenshot btw comes from this awesome site which, as far as I can tell, is the only source for Tattoo Assassin. Though after seeing this for the first time in ages, I do recall Prizm looking pretty fucking hot even back then.

- And one last GAF related thing: my copy of Mr Driller Drill Land finally arrived (which Andrew, everyone’s best friend over at insert credit, hooked me up with).

Too bad I can’t seem to find my FreeLoader anywhere.

- Speaking of insert credit, someone at the forum has brought to attention Senko No Ronde, which is…. get this…. a shooter/fighter hybrid. Holy fucking shit indeed.

You can check out videos of it in action here (btw, Click-Stick is an awesome site, if only for providing the direct game music from Rez, but it also has a bunch of other cool stuff).

The game is from G. Rev and it’s last game was Border Down, which is widely regarded as the best shooter for the Dreamcast (yes, people are still making games for that system), and which I sadly missed out on (its super rare as hell), so I don’t intend on missing out on this one. As I’ve said before, it’s sorta funny that in this day and age (especially with the PSP and others systems just around the corner) I’m still hunting down games for the Saturn and Dreamcast.

- Also on the IC boards, you will find this picture…

… along with many other example of bizarre Mario renderings here.

- From Segagaga Domain comes Retro Core, an online retro video game show that features classic games, mostly from Japanese systems. I haven’t had the chance to see it yet, but it already sounds awesome. I’ll probably check these out tonight, though I should probably check out Consolevania as soon as possible as well, considering that they’ve been on my hard drive for months, untouched.

- Meanwhile, back in the “real” world, and I know this must be old news by now but, Warner Bros. is doing an “EXTREME!!! update to Bugs Bunny & pals which can be accurately described as one of the dumbest things ever. Here’s a look at Bugs…

- At the Cryptic Press/Yaytime! forum, Dave passed along what might be the greatest comic I have every laid eyes on. Seriously. Shit like this is I’ve been so lazy about doing my own stuff; because people are beating me to it.

- And Finally, Jason sent me this link, and you forget what I said about Chengwin being the new Kaiju, cuz Kami-Robo is the true successor.

I just gotta get my hands on that DVD…. a DVD with just some guy playing with wrestling toys. Genius!

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02/13/2005

Tip #5: Don’t Date Your Sister

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

- This weekend MK and I had a ton of work to get through, so the plan was for her to finish up some pages for a comic that was past due while I refined and tweaked a game design since development of the game was actually coming along ahead of schedule. But instead, we mostly just sat around and watched the Ben Stiller Show on DVD. Actually, I did get some work done, while MK chose to continue her game of Pikmin that she started a while ago.

Plus we went to a party in Brooklyn last night. My friend Stephy threw a pre/anti-Valentine’s Day bash at her house, though it was mostly an opportunity for friends who are oh-so familiar with my horror stories from the world of dating (among other things) to actually see me with a actual living, breathing, fully-functional (and non-crazy) girlfriend, which as expected, was ten times the thrill for them. Robin also came along for the chance to meet girls and some booze.

It was nice seeing Steph whom I had lost contact with due to the overly hectic past couple of months (her and I go way back, to my WSVA days). Highlights on her end included a “crazy Matt Hawkins story” of her own. BTW, I love it when people have a story about some absurd, bizarre, or even life threatening incident and dub it a “Matt Hawkins story”; Dave has a few, and Steph was even in one of them not too long ago… the time some creep asked me to check out his dead friend with him. Anyway, Steph’s story was about a psycho tenant of hers that was moving out and how he went nutso when she gave back his security deposit minus $10 for some damage he did to some wiring; the guy pulled down his pants, spread his ass cheeks wide, and started yelling about getting raped up the ass (good thing he didn’t start pooing right then and there).

Plus she told me about her latest internet romance: some D&D freak who lives in his parent’s basement somewhere in the mid-west. His name is “Moth Tron”. Awesome. And I swear to God, there is no better joy on earth than asking Steph if her latest love has crab-like claws for hands or tank treads for feet (she has a history of going after dudes with psychical deformities, such as one guy who had a malformed hand and another dud with a lazy eye).

But the true highlight of the party was seeing Raph whom I had also lost contact with and assumed to be living in California. Raph and I share a special bond which was forged on the day of the big black out back in 2003; after walking 50+ sweltering blocks in Brooklyn for any sign of friends, I found him still at his place where he gave me a cold Japanese beer and cooked me a hot dog. Later that night we drove around the city (driving around Brooklyn without traffic lights and much traffic is the only way to go around there), walked around a pitch-black park (while careful not to step on people having sex in the grass), and got drunk. We still say there should be a mandatory black out at least once a year.

There was also plenty of other familiar faces, plus plenty of eats: there was chocolate fondue, but instead of the assorted fruits on-hand, I dipped brownies and Hersey’s kisses. By the end of the night, I had so much chocolate that I was convinced that if I was sick, I’d be throwing up pure fudge. And of course there was plenty of booze, with MK making all my drinks, and all of them stiff.

While most of the action was going on downstairs, MK, Robin, and myself, along with Raph, his girlfriend, and our friend Adam mostly hung out in the “pink room” which was just the bathroom with pink stuff all over the place. Pink champaign was served (pretty digesting actually) and at one point we were all goofing on Def Leopard (I made a really dumb… not tasteless, but just plain retarded… joke about the one armed drummer and Raph, being the kind hearted soul that he is, managed to salvage it somehow). Plus, and I forget how, but I ended doing my old death metal routine from high school. I really wish I could remember more.

By the end of the night I was pretty drunk, but Robin was much more so, and MK was so smashed she could barely walk. But I managed to get her back to my place, though we were too spent to stay up and watch SNL that I had taped in advance (Jason Bateman was on). She couldn’t even stay awake for the Venture Brothers.

- Speaking of the star of Arrested Development, the uncertain future of the show has been pretty big news the past couple of days for most folks (or at least for those who have good taste in television).

Shortly after news of Fox’s decision to shorten the season in favor of the overrated, unfunny, and just plain retarded American Dan hit the net, David Cross went on the Jimmy Kimmel show to talk about the situation. Needless to say, he was pretty pissed, mostly because the network never bothered to contact anyone on the show about the decision. Instead, they all found out about news like everyone else, on the internet.

Cross further said of the Fox network…

“I hope Fox puts in its place, like, you know, America?s Cutest Retards. What?s left for them to do? We got midgets trying to pull an elephant. What?s left? We?ve got orphans trying to figure out who their dads are?come on. Let?s go with retards. OK? Let?s do it”

Meanwhile, Jason Bateman appeared in Conan O’Brien the next night. Even though he didn’t directly address the situation, Bateman did constantly stress that people should watch the show, as did Conan. Plus he talked about wanting to have his sister appear on the show as his wife and sex with his real life wife. Some found the interview to be pretty weird, but I though it was awesome (and like Bateman explained, the show’s all about incest humor).

Then the next day, a letter was released by the president of Fox Entertainment, Gail Berman, and stated…

“… contrary to rumors you may have heard of read on the internet, [Arrested Development] is NOT cancelled.”

And anyone who’s familiar with Fox’s history of stopping production of shows has good reason to cry bullshit. Afterall, even though Fox seems rather cavalier about the show wrapping up this season, all reports seem to indicate that a proper final episode hasn’t been filmed, nor will it be. Given how intricately structured the overall story is planned out (which means that every episode is important in the scheme of things), its impossible to believe that things could have just ended this past week with no complications. But then again, it’s just another sign of Fox not giving a shit.

At the end of the letter, Berman said the show would be on the air for many years to come, so long as ratings were there to justify it, and unfortunately that is the bottom line, Considering the Fox of today really is the cesspool of mindless filth that it’s always been rather unfairly characterized as (such as when Married With Children was its flagship show) but only now does it actually apply, I highly doubt it. Afterall, Americans don’t want smart comedy with talented actors and brilliant scripts, they want to see “real” people, i.e. folks off the streets that are desperate for fifteen seconds of fame or complete been (or soon to be has been) celebrities, acting like spoiled brats and dragging down the entire human race in beach house.

Here’s hoping DVD sales will also help keep the show on the air. I would have to assume they’ve been great thus far; it was a pretty popular gift this past Xmas.

- Speaking of DVDs, a season 1 collection of Pete & Pete has officially been announced. Actually, I’ve known about a Pete & Pete DVD for a while, but didn’t want to say anything due to the fear of spilling the beans, though as I’ve discovered, it’s actually been a really poorly kept secret. Then again, it’s not hard to believe that someone at Nick posts at the Something Awful forums.

- Meanwhile, the biggest news this week video games wise was the announcement of a Sega Saturn-styled pad for the PS2. Ask any Saturn owner and they will tell you that the system has easily one of the finest 2D pads ever (which makes total sense since it was one of the finest 2D systems every). Now I don’t feel too bad for missing out on the USB Saturn pad.

Now I can finally play the Street Fighter Anniversay Collection and Virtau Fighter 4 with some semblance of control.

- Hey, remember the JFK assassination game that was pissing people off not too long ago? Well get ready for a game based on the Oklahoma City bombing.

- Have you heard of the game, the 7 Sins? It’s another one of those games who people who find Sims 2 not sexually satisfying enough. Just check out this video which shows the player drugging up his date, looking up her skirt and playing with her breasts.

- Here’s your bizarro video game tidbit as provided by the GAF of the week: remember the arcade, and Genesis, classic Strider? Some might recall a SuperGrafix version that never came to be in Japan (it was downgraded to a PC Engine Arcade Card CD version that apparently sucked). Well the story goes that management put so much pressure on the long programmer behind SuperGrafix version, which was supposed to surpass not only the Genesis version but the arcade one as well, that he cracked under the stress and had to be admitted to a mental hospital, which lead to the game’s cancellation. And because of his failure, it’s even said that he even took his one life.

Some have even stated that the reason Strider has a teddy bear when he later appeared in Street Fighter Alpha 2 (in Ken’s background), as well as each subsequent appearance, is to act as tribute to the institutionalized programmer.

Neat story, huh? Well according to at least one person, it’s probably bullshit. Personally, I want to believe it.

Now if I can just find out what the deal is with that guy who jumped off the top of Sega HQ during the Saturn/Dreamcast changeover, and the 147 Dead Or Alive fans that committed mass suicide.

- After 3 years in the making, Patrick, aka Transfatty, has finally finished Deep Space Mayonnaise.

- And lastly, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, so to celebrate, here are some cards courtesy of X-Entertainment to help spread the message of love via Mario, Link, and the Ninja Turtles…

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