by Matthew Edward Hawkins

One thing I totally forgot to mention last time was how I totally missed out on The Kids In The Hall last weekend, since it conflicted with the New York Comic Con. Truth be told, I didn’t even hear about their latest live show till the very last minute, and by then it was too late, with plans were already made, and even regardless, it just would not have worked out. I’ve at least seen them live the first two times they came to the city, and while I enjoyed both times immensely, and it would have been just swell to see them live a third time, I’m afraid to see the Kids even older and fatter. Gotta say, as amazing as it was to see Mr. Show live, seeing Bob Odenkirk reprise classic sketches, but with noticeably less hair, was pretty depressing.

So same problem this past weekend: too much going on. Which is, of course, both the best yet also sometimes really annoying part about living in the Big Apple. Anyhow, both the Bent Festival and the Found Footage Festival just went down, the former of which I’ve been trying to go to for the past three or so years, but to no avail, and latter was something that both Katie and I absolutely had to check out, since we’re both big connoisseurs of wacky, random entertainment, preferably exhumed from the 80s, or snatched from the airwaves of cable access from Nowhere, America, and especially both.

The plan was to check out Found Footage on Friday (which meant passing up on the one lone Japanese act, and if there’s one thing that the Japanese know how to do well (at least one of many), it’s make mix technology and noise) and doing Bent on Saturday. Though the instant I realized that Found Footage was playing at the Anthology Film Archives, I knew there would be trouble…

… And there was. I believe its been stated before, but I’ll say it again: I fucking hate that place. They always play such cool things, lots of foreign and underground stuff, which you can’t find anywhere else, most certainly not on DVD, yet dealing with the Anthology is always such a hassle. First off, they don’t sell tickets beforehand online, and anyone who lives in New York City can attest to how much of a fucking hassle it is to see any movie in the city, with everyone wanting to see everything, so getting your shit in advance is absolutely essential. Not helping is how everyone is a fucking prick who works there; not sure if I ever passed along the time I tried to catch the shot for shot, remake of Temple of Doom created by 8 year olds last year, and how even though myself and company got there three hours in advance, there was a line 300 long, and after waiting for almost an hour, I went to the front to find out that it had sold out, but no at the theater gave two shits enough to actually tell everyone what the deal was so they could go on with other business. The funny thing is, no matter how early you get there, and how there’s absolutely no pre-selling of tickets, somehow, fifty seats are already gone even if you’re first in line to anything. Though being in first means having to really fight for that slot because, another annoying thing about that place, is how, whether it be some dip-shit hipster or some eccentric old fuck, everyone loves to just cut in front of everyone. Also, the theater itself is a piece of shit; it?s a large screen in a brick room with horrible acoustics, and the seats are all uncomfortable as hell.

But anyway, Katie and I got there at a reasonable enough time to get seats for the 9 showing (both evenings, Friday and Saturday, had two showings, one at 7, the other at 9), and of course, they were sold out. But this time I found out that there were tickets available online… via the Found Footage Festival’s website. Just great. Though its just as well since Joe Salina who was supposed to join us couldn’t, nor could Mooney, though Katie’s friend Lauren did manage to make it, so the three of us went to St. Marks for, what else, Japanese food. And because Kenka had about 30 people waiting for seats ahead of us, and no Mooney to sweet talk our ways in, we all went to another joint down the street, which which had some decent food, plus French Fries that were actually superior to Kenka’s (yet their kimchee cannot be topped). We also enjoyed watching this pervy white dude with the worst receding hairline imaginable hit on two really young, and fresh off the boat Asian girls, plus trying to get them drunk as fast as possible too.

So plans had to be changed; as much as I really wanted to check out Bent, I absolutely needed to check out this Found Footage, and even though I seriously did not want to go anywhere near the Anthology, let alone give them any of my business (another fun fact: I used to go there all the time for the Asian Film Festival, till they bailed out due to, surprise, them acting like total fucking dicks to the Subway Cinema gang, or so I heard through the grapevine), I reserved seats for the very next night (after Katie and I got home, as well as after we decided to get drunk and watch a backyard wrestling tape that I acquired from K Thor a while back, plus hentai). And after much anticipation and build-up, plus needless bullshit, myself, along with Katie, Lauren, and Joe, were there for the final showing on Saturday night…

It was a total mixed bag. The random, wacky footage itself, which included instructional employee videos from assorted fast food and super market chains, vintage wrestling promos from Florida, cats, penis pumps, self defense techniques that all involved punches to the nuts, crazy ass ass-jiggling, and REALLY shitty CGI was all pretty good, even if there wasn’t all that much of it. The main problem was how it was all presented; the entire fest is the creation of two dudes, Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher, who not only hosted the affair and presented each segment (all the videos were grouped into categories), but also made “funny” comments all throughout. And I swear to God that you will not find two unfunnier douchebags anywhere, and all of us were floored by how fucking retarded their shtick was. I mean, hey, it’s totally awesome that you two have managed to find and compile all this bat-shit insane footage for the rest of us, but isn’t it enough that we’ve all paid $10 a pop to check it all out, do you guys really have to pat yourselves on the back any further? Every joke and witticism was so fucking obvious and LAME, with such trite clich?s like “this’ll be in your nightmares!” Hoo, hoo, hoo! Give me a fucking break. Worst fucking attempt to act all MST3K and Dennis Miller ever.

Both myself and Joe were getting pissed at certain points of all the yaking and jerk-off (there was maybe, I dunno, forty minutes of footage, all padded by and hour and a half of utter nonsense), especially when they brought out a guy from the Onion to share a story that went on for seriously fifteen minutes and absolutely nowhere. If anything, it simply reaffirmed all that I’ve heard about the people who work there, that being they’re all fucking egotistical blowhards that like to smell their own farts. Sorry, I the Onion is funny and all… their headlines are genuinely funny… but the people involved, from what I’ve seen and even heard, apparently all take themselves too fucking seriously. And another sad fact of life: people who can write funny things often are not funny, or at the very least, have no clue about delivery. In this case, the anecdote revolved around how this dude had to take a job at some grocery store after college, which eventually led to him stealing their employee training tape, but we also had to hear how it wasn’t so much a shitty gig, but how it was so beneath him. Cuz, you know, its always great to hear some Willamsburg fuckface talk about how he had to rub shoulders with the pleebs at one point. Even David Cross, who made a surprise and very brief appearance in the end, couldn’t save things (I was seriously tempted to yell “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PLAY SOMETHING, JESUS CHRIST.” Thinking back, I really don’t know why I just didn’t go ahead and do so. BTW, I believe it needs to be pointed out how we were not in the minority; you got the sense that everyone was pretty bored and annoyed by the hosts’ antics. At times there was some pity laughs, but for the most part, I think everyone wanted less talk, more footage of wacky shit (which again was kinda paltry, to the point that it felt like stuff was edited to mostly set-up and support their dumbass jokes, or at least appeared to be the case).

Oh, and before the screening, they had DVDs for sale, featuring content from the previous festivals. At $10 a pop, they seemed like a good deal, since most bizarro visual mixtapes often cost at least $20 (which I’ve never been totally happy with; when you get down to it, you’re just giving money to a someone that simply found stuff which they didn’t create themselves, though the act of editing does have some merit and is worth $$$ I guess), but earlier today, Katie and I were horrified to discover that its mostly footage with the two aforementioned asshats once again sucking up the spotlight and spouting corny as fuck one-liners. I might try to get my money back.

Another highlight from the fest? A girl that I once went out with was also at the show. Which proved once again that no matter what they say about there being eight million people in NYC, you will most certainly run into the same people over and over again. The girl in question this particular evening was a very brief thing, from my days of finding romance online, from Friendster to be precise. And since she was with some dude that she was obviously seeing (as evidenced by their very public signs of affection, which was pretty annoying to say the least), I didn’t say anything, lest I embarrass her by bringing up the past in front of her new man, since we all known what a negative connotation dating someone from the internet still holds. Anyhow, our “thing” was pretty fleeting; she was this hot redhead that I manage to score a few dates with, but there was not too much in the ways of chemistry.

Speaking of chemistry, she was a very nice girl, but somewhat flighty due to drugs, which was a regular topic of conversation; she often spoke about ecstasy, and I recall the following conversation as if it happened yesterday…

“So what’s so great about it?

“Oh, it?s soooo nice. It just makes you feel all tingly and good. Every little touch is just so mind-blowing…”

“So I guess it makes sex that much better, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… if its a drug that makes every little touch euphoric, I would have to imagine that you’ve used it during sex.”

“Actually, no. Never even thought of that actually.”

“What? Come on, you have to be kidding.”

“What I like to do is called “rolling.” That’s when you take a hit with someone and you both touch each other… touch their skin, play with their face, stroke their hair…”

“And you’re telling me that it doesn’t automatically transition itself towards sex?”


Another thing she would go on and on about was Julia Styles. The girl in question often ran into her (both went to Columbia… I don’t think I’m revealing too much here) at the gym, and constantly talked about how hot she was (I guess she’s kinda cute), to the point that I had to flat out ask if she was sexually attracted to her. And I never got a straight answer. Anyhow, she called it off, and immediately started dating her best friend… a girl. Which totally made me feel like George Costanza. But I guess she’s back with dudes.

As for today, Katie and I spent the entire day recovering from all being so social all Friday and last night. Though I did so some grocery shopping and play some Persona 3: FES. Speaking off… so the deal is, I got a copy of that game many weeks ago from the kind folks at Atlus, whom I’m pretty certain have been visiting this site for the past couple of weeks, and wondering where the hell my review that I promised is. Well, the embarrassing thing is, I somehow misplaced the disc shortly after my party two weeks ago, and have been looking for it all over the place ever since. Only yesterday did I finally stumble across it, and honestly didn’t get to play it a whole lot before losing the game. So sorry! But I do intend on filing a review, hopefully later this week. Thankfully my schedule is relatively clear the next few days…

But there’s always something going on. Why, this week alone finally see the release of what is sure to be my movie of the year, IRON MAN! God I cannot wait, and I normally don’t give two shits about what the reviewers have to say, but everything I’ve heard is that its pretty awesome, and as expected, Robert Downey Jr does an amazing job. Can’t wait! And speaking of movies, the people at Subway Cinema finally updated their website sometime last week! So finally we have some info regarding the 2008 New York Asian Film Festival. I can tell you right now that the one to catch is most definitely Dai Nippon Jin, or Big Man Japan, which everyone can learn more about here. Though that new Johnny To flick with Lau-Chig-wan (YES!!!) sound pretty fucking hawt as well.

Oh, and more immediately, myself and possibly Katie will be appearing on cable access very soon. Like next Thursday. Long story short: we both stumbled across a live call-in chess program last Thursday called Chess Now! hosted by one of the Checkerboard Kids, and I decided to call in and ask a bunch of chess related questions. I think I was on for like twenty minutes, and I guess Checkerboard Phil liked me so much that he invited me to stop on by the studio next week to teach me a few things (I’m trying to get into it actually). Should be fun!

Hey, a quick fort90forum mention: anyone who is familiar with my little internet playground and also happened to catch Mortal Kombat vs DC.

- And to me, the verdict is still out on Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix, and to be honest, it doesn’t really look all that hot to me.

- Call me crazy, but I honestly think a movie based on Tetris could be really something.

- Via the game videos thread comes even further evidence that Uwe Boll is just not funny and I need to go back to Japan, if only to play this.

- Meanwhile, I’ve already mentioned how there’s a cell phone thread, where I once again talked about how awesome my little Samsung handset from Hong Kong that’s “even more Apple than the iPhone” is…

…. Well, and I guess it might be worth bringing up now, for future reference, that I just got this….

… It’s the Nokia N81, and I’ll be using it to keep abreast of their mobile gaming efforts. Yes, even though I’m no longer blogging about cell phones… why? cuz they actually have some potentially neat things up their sleeves. I guess check it out for my initial impressions, and in the future, as well as here for stuff as they develop (I’m mostly aching to get my hands on their Virtua Fighter clone).

- Somewhat related: I haven’t done so already, and was going to do it here, but since I’m kinda wrapping things up just check back here later for yet another reason why I fucking can’t stand Apple sometimes, especially here in NYC.

- The countdown to The Fast And The Furious 4 has officially begun!

- I hate it when people look too deeply into the internet.

- I need to visit the UK in the very worst way.

- I have seen the future of clothing, and it will make you want to punch a hipster in the groin too.

- Via you know what…

- Meanwhile, over at the random videos thread, unfortunately, the one featuring the little black kid talking about how the President should be killed was immediately yanked from the powers that be at YouTube, not surprisingly. But at least there’s still some amazing old-school break-dancing, yet another reason why I love Cave and DoDonPahchi, as well as art + tacos .

Plus, some might remember me going on and on about Huoratron at the Blip Festival late last year. Well Dave (Mauro) managed to unearth a music video by the man, and all I can is, it’s fucking beautiful

- As for NYC chatter, we have among a few other topics, every New Yorkers’ worst nightmare and the obligatory Sean Bell topic. Also, I might be checking out Boris this coming July!

- And finally, in the Secret Chamber we have the obligatory Jesus Christ topic and one concerning that stupid art school chick that claimed to have given herself 30 abortions, all for the sake of art, but then took it back, or something, again for the sake of art. Who btw reminds me of half the girls I went to school with.

- Actually, one last thing, which I posed in the Secret Chamber, but which should be openly shared with the rest of the world, especially since its devoid of naked girls covered in slime and isn’t an animated gif of a cat being tortured. Please enjoy Fruit Mystery!

  • http://ithinkican.com toby

    boris, this band? cool.

    I saw Converge w/ The Red Chord this past thursday, another band, Ghengis Tron, was there and I thought of you for some reason.

    Did you try calling my house with a different/new cell phone number four times last week? Someone from NYC did, but never left a message and every time I picked up the phone it would just be silent noise.


  • TDS

    you dont like uwe boll?

    im crushed man,so crushed

  • http://standsfortalking kk

    the pic w/the boy was messed up!!!!!:)

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