05/23/2006

Wrapping One’s Cream-Covered Armpit In Saran Wrap… Not So Easy

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

Okay, enough talk about video game related, internet drama…. So this past Friday, I had “minor surgery”.

Remember that doctor I saw almost two weeks ago? The first of the two, before the allergist, the one who wrangled $80 out of me? Well, it was dermatologist. Long story short, I had these little “thing” in my left armpit… not warts but small bits of skin that were protruding, forming little nubs, I had no idea what they were till my general practitioner identified them as skin tags and who then referred me to a dermatologist, and this guy informed me that they weren’t cancerous (since my family has a history with cancer, primarily skin cancer, plus they were located underneath my armpit, and there are plenty of reports out there that state that deodorants can lead to skin cancer, I was worried). But I wanted them removed because they would often chafe when I moved my arm around, and sometimes even hurt, so he said it would be no problem. He simply told me to come the following week and gave me a prescription for some cream with instruction to apply the entire tube’s worth on my armpit and then wrap it around with saran wrap. Sounded easy enough.

So a week later I got the cream, and got up early next day to apply it before seeing the guy. For some reason, I figured it would simple to do, but after about fifteen minutes I struggling in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to wrap myself like some saran wrap mummy with just one arm, and getting the cream all over myself (btw, there was a TON of it… the tube was huge, as big as a travel sized tube of toothpaste… actually, it was much bigger), I began to wonder if the doctor was a big incredible idiot. It was a fucking horror show. At one point, I had to tear off all the plastic, bunch it up and squeeze all the cream that came out (much like one of those tube that folks use to apply frosting onto cakes) into my hand to re-apply the glob onto my armpit. And like a retard, I hadn’t stocked up on saran wrap the previous day when grocery shopping, so I had to then be super careful. I eventually got it, but then I realized that I was running late. Even though the appointment was well over an hour away… because as everyone knows, I have the absolute worst fucking luck the subway.

And as expected, despite all the time I gave myself, the trains were running like shit, and by the time I got topside in Manhattan, I was late, which meant I had to rush to the medical center. Ever try to rush crosstown with a mountain of cream under one arm with plastic bunching up underneath? Well it totally sucks. Though if there was one “highlight” of the trip there, it was witnessing these two gay guys get on the train in Brooklyn; both were British, and one guy’s hair was just like the bird people’s heads from the old 80′s Buck Rogers television show. But the real kicker were they were drinking out of mugs which are from the Magic Bullet Blender (an infomercial that MK is somewhat obsessed with). Anyway, my appointment was at 10:15 and I got there two minutes late, at 10:17. I apologized and asked if the doctor was ready, and the rude-ass receptionist said yes and told me to take a seat (I was feeling like a total freak and just wanted to get all the cream off). But I ended up just sitting in the waiting room for over thirty minutes. Once I couldn’t take it anymore, I asked the receptionist what the deal was, and with total disdain in her voice, she told me to hold on (remember, this was the place last time where I had to wait for forty-five minutes to see the guy the first time). And it took another five minutes before yet another bitching looking woman called for me, the nurse, who directed me to the operation room, where I waited for another five minutes, and fuming the whole time. Finally when the doctor shows up, I couldn’t contain myself and told him that it was seriously the most poorly run, and rudely staffed, medical center I had ever been too. And upon hearing that I had waited so long, the guy had this rather dumbfounded, and rather spineless, but at least apologetic, “Yeah… I they think they’re sorta mean too.” response, especially after revealing that they had lost my chart or something, and then realized that they sent the guy scheduled after me before me. But at that point, I didn’t want to argue, I just wanted to get the fuck out. And the procedure was actually totally painless (the cream did its job after-all). Though what happened next is where things got TOTALLY stupid…

So he took care of my left armpit, no problems (there were only three to remove anyhow), but then checked my right armpit and noticed one tiny one there as well. I mentioned that I knew about it, but since it wasn’t bothering me, I didn’t care about it, but he insisted that he could remove it with no hassles. But then I reminded him that I hadn’t put any cream, so he responded with, hey, it’s okay, I’ll just put on them local anesthesia, and before I could say anything, he globbed some on and cut it off, all in less than five seconds, which I guess was too fast for the anesthesia to kick it cuz it hurt like a motherfucker. Plus it bled like a stuck pig… well, like a tiny stuck pig… more like an annoying pimple that won’t stop spurting blood. Want to know the best part of all this? Immediately afterwards, he says (and I shit you not)…

doctor: “Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you this, but your insurance won’t be covering this.”

me: “WHAT?!?!?! Why not?!”

doctor: “Yeah… because its considered plastic surgery.”

me: “Well considering that my girlfriend of over a year never even noticed them, and that they were in my armpit, I hardly see what’s so ‘cosmetic’ about it.”

doctor: “To be covered, they have to be causing pain and discomfort…”

me: “But the reason I wanted them off in the first place was because they WERE causing pain and discomfort.”

doctor: “But they need to be red and inflamed…. Listen, when you get the bill, just send it to me and I’ll take care of it.”

I can’t ever recall a time when someone I barely knew told me “I’ll take care of it” who actually did. BTW, this place which had such fucking atrocious patient care is the Murray Hill Medical Center on 34th St between 1st Ave and Avenue A. Avoid it lik the fucking plauge.

Hence the reason why I so pissed off all Friday, which only got worse once the anesthetics wore off. Also making things worse was the weather, and how it was either bright and sunny or pouring rain, which was making me antsy as fuck since I was throwing a party at my place, a backyard BBQ function, which I had been planning for weeks; it was supposed to be my birthday bash, but due to a variety of reasons, mostly all my friends’ schedules, I’ve had to push back over and over and over again. Hence why this was it, either this weekend or never. I took the day off of work for medical reasons (I also had a follow-up appointment at the allergy clinic which went much smoother, though the only weirdness was this creepy guy in the waiting room who told me while I was playing my DS “Hey… that’s a DS!”), but also to prep up the house. But once I discovered that my sore as hell armpits made me pretty much immobile, I couldn’t so much.

Which meant that almost all of the prep-work had to be done the next day, right before the party. And because I had under estimated how dirty the couches were, due to all the car hair, and my roommate had to go to the city so she wasn’t around to help clean, plus MK wasn’t feeling so hot, so there was no time to fix the deck; about two weeks prior, one of the steps in the back, which connects the second floor kitchen deck to the backyard the level below had fallen off. There had been numerous plans on repairing it, though my roommate & I were either too busy or the weather sucked. So at the last minute, we had to say “Fuck it.” and hope that everyone was aware and watched their steps, but more importantly, keep an eye out later on when folks were drunk.

Soon, the party was underway and the house began filling up. BTW, the party was tons of fun; lots of friends showed up and I’d like to think that everyone had a good time. I guess the key to success to by birthday get-togethers is variety; it was a nerd party, for year, but there was all sorts, like movie nerds, comic nerds, TV nerds, music nerds, and game nerds of course. As mentioned in years past, my birthdays are a chance to bring friends from all my various social circles together, if only for just once a year. And I always have fun seeing Jay converse with “the other” Joe (Joe Salina) and the such.

But things did not go entirely smoothly and disaster almost struck when a second step on the deck feel through, and with Robin on it! Thankfully he only scratched up his arm (though it was a pretty nasty scratch), but I nearly had a heart-attack, especially when it was then obvious that the whole thing was on the verge of falling apart (people tried their best to go up and and down with a now huge gap, and I could see the other steps softening each time a person was on them). So I had to scrap plans of keeping the grill fired all night long, plus I was going to project the Fuccons, K. Thor Jensen’s Evil Video, and assorted other “wacky” shit on the side backward wall with my roommate Stephy’s video projector by moving the whole party back in-doors, due to fear of anyone else getting hurt.

Though the rest of the night was without incident. Just plenty of food, beers, talking, and some dancing. At one point Mike O’Connor, after hearing another bizarro tale from my past, which elicited a “I love you” from the man, which made me feel quite proud. Job was positively wowed by my bedroom, and in particular, my ability to organize tons of games, DVDs, toys, comics, and other assorted crap into a tightly organized system, which again reminded me that I should really start putting together a A Nerd’s Guide To Organizing book as MK has suggest in the past (she also mentioned that I should do a mini-comic version of it for the MoCCA fest, and I think I will!). And I got to explain to Jay’s cousin Ian what a furry was. Also, Mike mentioned that if he had time beforehand, he would have to brought a furry over to the party for me to baseball bat, just like I couldn’t get my ninja outfit together in the end either; my plan was slip away upstairs unnoticed at a certain point and to come back down dressed like a ninja, from head to toe, and simply mingle about, maybe drink a beer, and totally carry myself as if nothing was different. Next year I suppose…

Plus, if no one minds, I just want to brag about all the cool presents I got, including some Super Mario pixel magnets, a pair of PVC Transformers (including Wheeljack which I already have, at least the American, Heroes of Cybertron edition, but the Japanese version has a totally superior paint job), and a luchadore action figure from Joe & June, (Joe also passed along a copy of his yet to be released book, the Spirit Warriors, which is a biblical themed graphic novel based on characters created by Stephen Baldwin… yes the actor, and recent Born Again), a really awesome astronaut shirt and the dinosaur comics collection, along with some other goodies from Dave, and some hot dog baskets, the kind you see at 50′s themed diners and restaurants from Raina (which I’m sure will get PLENTY of use). That in addition to a slew of other cool stuff I got that night and earlier (like, during my actual birthday), which I might have to take pictures of (along with some of the Japanese candy I got at the Korean grocery store last weekend, plus I have to take updated pics of my bedroom for the mini comic anyhow).

Oh, and apologize for those who might feel a bit miffed for not getting an invite; I sorta flaked out and forgot to invite a few folks, though I did remember some along the way. Though I do want to throw more get togethers throughout the summer, albeit on a smaller scale with less folks at a time perhaps. And provided the house is still standing (more on that in a sec)…

The next day everyone crashed, including myself, especially since I sorta caught whatever bug that MK had. Aside from cleaning, I got to play some games (for once), including Blood Will Tell, which arrived from GameFly the prior weekend, but which I never had a chance to play. It’s pretty neat! Its based on a manga by Osamu Tezuka (the guy who creatd Astro Boy, among many other comics and cartoon in Japan) and it’s about a samurai warrior who had all almost every body part stolen from him by demons (as payment when his father desired ultimate power). So he goes around the countryside, seeking out demons to find, and to get pieces of himself back. He fights with a traditional katana, but since he’s missing his hands, he also has blades in their places, plus a gun in one arm, and even a cannon in one knee. Conceptually, it’s quite different from all other “wandering ronin during Feudal Japan who goes around fighting demons and collecting their souls” games out there. The graphics are nothing special, but they’re not bad either.

Though the only real highlight of Sunday is how disaster almost struck again; in the middle of the afternoon I heard a crashing noise and asked Stephy if she had heard it, bu nothing. Then it happened again, and once more, she never noticed it. Then MK & I went outside to grill some dinner and then I realized what the noise was; the side of the house next to us had began to crumble and there was all this shattered concrete in the side alleyway right next to my house, which was made into the primary path between the house and the backyard during the part. Thank God the wall didn’t start to fall apart even one day prior, or someone could have gotten seriously hurt.

And the other highlight was, while I did dishes, MK came downstairs to tell me that on Fox Five News there was going to be a story on a video game that could “potentially lead to violence!” She just knew I had to seen another example of how ill-informed and sensationalistic the mainstream press is when it comes to games (but then again, this is Fox Five News, and any NYCer knows that the local news, both on television and in print, is absolute shit). The game in question was Super Columbine Massacre RPG, which I had only heard about, so I was indeed interested in checking it out, especially after MK noted that the graphics were quite nice. I guess I’ll offer a more detailed description of my two cents later on, but basically: it seems hardly dangerous at all (in fact, it really does look cute, like a SNES RPG) and even seems rather fun and informative.

Plus, I may as well mentioned that the one game that I’m currently addicted to is Castelvania Dawn of Sarrow, which I know will get me lots of shit from the Insert Credit crowd for liking since the series has become so stagnant, but what else can I say other than it’s basically my Madden, if you get my drift. I don’t mind the “Metroidvania” formula, in fact, I positively love it (though I’m not a big fan of the use of the touchpad) and wouldn’t mind a new one every single year. But then again, as I’ve already stated, getting people irate online regards to video games comes rather easy these days it would seem.

Anyway, not too much to mention from yesterday, other than the mini shopping spree I went on, which included getting a copy of Quick Change (which when I showed my co-worker Dave afterwards, he went “… basically the best movie ever!” and then high-fived me), Star Trek 2: Wraith of Khan (due to an idea implanted in my head thanks to Mike Simses), and seasons 2 & 3 of Millennium (finally) thanks to the Amazon gift certificate from John & Marion. No New Super Mario Bros yet though… I also heard from the publisher of the game desing book that I’m (trying) to toil away on (the half-way point till deadline recently passed… yikes) and they need a title pretty soon. Unfortunately, I still can’t really think of one. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Oh, and one last thing: I’ll be teaching my game design class once again this summer, and in just exactly two weeks (the first class is June 6th). Those who might be interested can simply click here. I know my name is not listed as instructor, but it will indeed be me.

  • http://www.vitaminsteve.com Steve!

    Sorry I missed the party. I had to play “good boyfriend” and meet my new girlfriend’s friends on Saturday night. Missing the party stung, since I really was aching for some BBQ. Next time, my man, next time.

    -Steve!

  • http://www.shortandhappy.com K. Thor Jensen

    Evil Video 4 just got finished, trailer’s on Youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SapPjAztkqI

    Also want copies of Unlucky mini for ego file.

    ktj

  • https://www.fort90.com Matt

    Can you wait till MoCCA? I’ll have plenty of copies for you at the show.

  • http://www.shortandhappy.com K. Thor Jensen

    Of course! Why didn’t I just send you an email? LORD KNOWS!!!!!!

  • tiesto

    I downloaded Super Columbine Massacre RPG last week after seeing the news in question. Imagine my surprise when I saw an RPG Maker 2000 game on the 10:00 news! Its very poorly put together, there are scenes where you need to stand in a certain position to trigger an event and its not clear what you need to be doing… but it has one of the most surprising twists in any RPG I’ve ever played.

    There is also some twisted stuff in there… search a water fountain, you get a whole detailed lecture on the chemical composition of Denver’s water. It has SNES RPG style flashbacks, some of which are extremely surreal.

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