07/12/2009

Who Says Pro Wrestling Is ?Gay?? Admittedly, The Oiled Up Dude With The Short Shorts After Grappling With A Bunch Of Other Dudes Had An Erection, But Still…

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

So yesterday, was originally going to check Cyborg She at Japan Society, where JAPAN CUTS is still going on. It’s been described as Doraemon meets Terminator meets Back To The Future, which sounds totally up my alley, but since I’m a tad bit Asian movie-d out, thanks to the NYAFF, didn’t go. Instead I went out to Brooklyn for…

Rumbo In Dumbo 19: The Jumpoff In July

Last night’s offering from the World of Unpredictable Wrestling was perhaps their most entertaining yet. Did they top themselves when it came to the wrestling. Not exactly; there were a few good matches, but I wasn’t actually around for the best one, which was apparently the one featuring Minyon, according to Mooney. Any awesome angles? Again, not really; the Horsepack didn’t make an appearance or anything like that. So what made it so special exactly? I’ll get to that in a second (though if you made a guess based upon the title of the thread, congratulations)…

- For starters, the crowd was far rowdier than usual. Also, considerably larger for a summer show. At the 8:20 mark… twenty minutes after what was supposed to be the first bell, the MC came out to let everyone know that they were still ten minutes behind, the following exchange ensued:

“How about some wrestling trivia in the meantime?”

“NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Apparently, one reason for the lateness of the show was because of the featured wrestlers, Tim Arson, aka the The (ECW) Zombie, hadn’t shown up yet. One of the wise-asses in the audience made that fact loud and clear, and called out for his firing. This dude, btw, has always been one of the definite highlights of any WUW show. Nothing’s more brutal, yet more hilarious, than your average “smart” wrestling nerd/superfan.

- The first match literally came out of nowhere; there was no national anthem or any of the usual formalities that generally open up any sporting event. Actually, what happened first was a parade of women, the WUW’s version of the WWE Divas, which is already pretty cringe-worthy to begin with, so naturally the extremely low-rent version is actually far worse. Note: I LOVE indie wrestling, mostly since it’s an alternative to the overly polished nonsense that Vince McMahon peddles (especially these days) and would never call it low-rent as whole (whereas the WWE has always likened it to). Part of the charm in fact is how it’s all so rough around the edges, though what really makes it so awesome in my book are these dudes who bust their asses in the ring, not because they’re getting paid a ton of money, but because they’re such geeks and fans of the magical, mystical world of professional wrestling, period, which is not only extremely unglamorous, but downright dangerous to one’s well being at times. As crazy as it sounds, I almost view your average indie wrestler on the same level as your average indie cartoonists or amateur game creator. That being said, what any of this has to do with faux beauty pageants is beyond me, aside from appealing to the lowest common denominator, and in one of the least inventive ways possible. And… let’s be honest here… given how the WWE, a global entity with all the millions that it has behind it, still can’t get a gaggle of women who look any better than second rate prostitutes, imagine how band the offerings are going to be for a Brooklyn operations that has bare-bones resources? The women in the audience clearly did not care by the “offering” and the men mostly pointed and laughed, so what the point of it all was, who the hell knows.

Actually, there was a point, since it segued to the first match; who was the final “lovely lady” to his the ring? The self-appointed “Boy Diva” Rick Cataldo (had no idea he was so established, even has a DVD!). The dude is simply awesome, and is good enough to even defy general, long-standing wrestling logic; despite being an arrogant gay gay and clearly a heel, Cataldo’s still beloved by the crowd, mostly because he’s so damn entertaining. Aside from having incredible ring presence, Rick’s also one of the better workers in the company. His opponent was some nobody, and I guess it doesn’t even matter; most important thing was how the gay guy triumphed in the end.

- One of the main reasons why people go in the first place is to cheer a family member of friend on, and myself, Katie, and Mooney were in the thick of a very vocal contingency to support this tag team whose name I missed, other than they were f’n HORRIBLE. They fought the team of Cookie ‘N Cream, which is basically the Prince Atiba, whom I’m somewhat of a fan of, and Chris Romano, who is also a fairly solid worker himself. First off, one of the dudes looked just like this pothead I knew in college, which I couldn’t get over. Was about as coordinated as well. Second, for a bunch of super stick-thin skinny dudes, you’d think that they wouldn’t have gotten winded so quickly, yet they did. One guilty pleasure for any wrestling fan, whether it be on an indy level show or in the big leagues, is watching some new dude or dudes act super sloppy around veterans, then waiting and seeing how long it is before the aforementioned vets lose their patience. Romano in particular was dishing out the hard lessons near the end, but it’s not like the scrubs totally didn’t deserve it. But sometimes, such things need to happen so people will learn for next time.

- Mooney’s pal Reggadones fought “Cowboy” Bad Billy Walker in a grudge match. I was under the assumption that it was going to be a first blood or hardcore match, but alas, it was just a straightforward exchange. Was perhaps the best pure wrestling match I saw that night; both guys are awesome in the ring and clearly know their stuff. The only downside was that it was a bit on the short side, but considering how most the matches at any WUW are way too long, I guess that’s not a downside after-all. Also worth noting is how that REALLY tall dude that’s part of Billy Walker’s entourage from before was back. This time he tried cutting a promo, and once again, each time he stated his name, the mic cut out. There was also another new guy, the latest addition to the stable, who also looked like a ranch-hand, or more specifically, a Calvin Klein model. I forgot to mention how the dude that Rick Cataldo is feuding with used to have a tag team partner and is now aligned with Rick, and it’s implied they’re having a gay romance of sorts. This other guy also looked like a model, so maybe he and the new Cowboy dude should have an affair. Ah, fantasy booking! Again, Mooney and I need to get hired for the writing team, ASAP.

- There was an honest to God luchadore on the card! Didn’t catch the name, but he was some new dude, and had a boss looking mask. It was also apparently his birthday? Opponent was another new face, billed from England, and vaguely resembled Ricky Hatton. Was more than a decent match. Wasn’t as much high-flying action as one would hope or expect, but given the ultra low ceilings, it was totally understandable. At least we got a huracanrana, which I had yet to see at a WUW show! Plus Steven Person fought some guy from Hawaii. Another relatively brief encounter, but a good one. For whatever reason, I find Person pretty entertaining; has a great heel personality, plus a solid wrestler to boot. Though I will agree with Mooney; he needs to adopt that Spider-Ham gimmick at least one more time.

- Now, up until half time, it was more than clear that something was clearly “off” throughout the show. At one point, Katie and I caught the Musketeer addressing WUW head-hancho Johnny Rodz behind the scenes with graveness in his face (when Musketeer ‘s not in character, the dude is always walking around looking relatively carefree). During the intermission, Tim Arson finally showed up, and I caught Rodz give him the “we need to talk” look. Not helping the situation (at least for Arson) was the wise guy still cracking jokes at the dude’s expense.

Once it was show time once again, Tristan Spade, the arrogant pimp that’s not only the top heel in the company but the current champ, came out for this match. His opponent was advertised as Arson, but we got Benji the Clown instead. Which wasn’t bad at all, he’s quite good, and the ensuing bout was fast paced, hard-hitting, and overall quite excellent. Initially, one might assume that the reason things were changed at the last minute to punish Arson for being late. That’s a real no-no in the business; in addition to actually performing, the wrestlers are also responsible for to the setting up and tearing down the ring, placing chairs for the audience, and tons of other duties related to the show… the life of an indy wrestling is again not at all glitzy. But then Arson came out to confront Spade, and this gigantic brawl commenced. Which means that perhaps him showing up late was part of the act? You never know in wrestling. It was one of those brawls where everyone in the back rushed to the ring and attempted to break it up, wrestlers who were no longer in character. Seasoned fans know that all that is supposed to look real… but really isn’t.

Okay, time for that amazing moment, mentioned at the top of the report; after both men had been separated, Arson began making this long speech about something or another, perhaps challenging Spade to the belt. I wouldn’t know because I couldn’t stop staring AT THE ERECTION HE HAD. Right there, in the middle of the ring, in front of everyone. Yikes. Every dude gets a hard on during the most inopportune moment possible, but still. It was the single most awkward yet hilarious thing I have ever personally witnessed, and the three of us could not contain ourselves. Katie noted that she had never seen me laugh so hard at anything, ever, in all the time she’s known me. The best part of all this was watching the audience and catching pockets of people noticing this, as well as their reaction. A WUW moment that I will never forget, nor will I never stop laughing at.

… Afterwards, the show was nothing really special. How could it be? Couldn’t stick around all night, had Alex from Rocketship’s birthday bash to attend, so didn’t see the aforementioned Minyon match later on, nor did I witness Musketeer’s, and I always catch his bouts. Oh well, there’s always Rumbo in Dumbo 20! BTW, for anyone that’s interested, some grad students from Columbia decided to chronicle the behind the scenes at the WUW, which includes interviews with folks like Musketeer, Tristan Spade, and Steven Person, which can be found here. Definitely worth checking it!

I suppose this wouldn’t be a bad time to mention that my tickets to Dragon Gate’s first ever American show finally arrived in the mail…

… Man, it is going to be EPIC. Can’t wait. I’m expecting an even mix of mind-blowing technical wrestling from the Japanese performers, and headache-enducing garbage wrestlers from the Americans, one after another. So a twenty minute grappling clinic, followed by a dude lighting himself on fire, on repeat.

XSEED In NYC

Going back to last week, this past Thursday to be exact, XSEED came to town to show a bunch of assorted title on the way. Unfortunately, can’t talk about everything I saw and played, but still…

First title I test drove was Sky Crawlers, which I first heard about on NeoGAF some time ago. It’s based on an anime flick, directed by Mamoru Oshi, that I think just came out here in the states on DVD/Blu-ray, and is an air combat simulator by the folks behind the Ace Combat series. The first thing that immediately jumps out at you is the bizzaro control scheme; you move the plane around via the nunchuck, not by manipulating the control stick found on it, but my moving the nunchuck itself, while the Wiimote is held completely vertical and tilted towards to speed the plane up, back to slow it down, somewhat similarly to the throttle of a real plane. Furthermore, you hold the nunchuck in your right hand, not left, unlike every other game out there. It was really hard getting used to at first, but by the end, I was dog fighting with total ease. Also helping was this neat little mechanic; once you’re close enough to an enemy plane, a bar starts filling up, and once it’s filled, you just hit a button and immediately you’re in prime attack position. I guess the reason why I dug it so much was due to the fact that, while I like Ace Combat games in principle, I honestly can’t do jack in them, and almost immediately crash to the ground in less than two minutes. Unfortunately, Sky Crawlers doesn’t look as pretty as AC6 for the Xbox 360, for obvious reasons, and in a game that’s about soaring through the blue, blue sky, high above picturesque cities by the ocean, that does kinda hurt. But again, it’s easy and fun to play, and I guess all that matters, plus all the original animation that helps to tell the story is a nice little bonus (there’s anime cutscenes that help depict the setting and events, which happens before the movie, so I guess the game is a prequel). Expect it this winter apparently.

Next was the localized version of Yuusha 30, now known as Half Minute Hero. It’s the WarioWare-esque role-playing gaming in which you have only 30 seconds to complete your objectives. Basically, imagine everything you’ve come to expect in a traditional JRPG, but distilled to its absolute barest of essentials. Take battles for example; each random encounter lasts literally five seconds, where all you do is run left to right and slam into bad guys. If you’re strong enough, they go through flying through the air, which looks especially neat thanks to the SNES-esque pixel-y aesthetics, and nab experience points and gold in the blink of an eye. If you’re not strong enough, you’re booted back to the overhead map screen, where you have to run around town and get the tools you need for the job at hand, plus gather information and all the other stuff you do in normal RPGs. Again, the clock is always ticking, though you can donate gold to the Goddess of Time, who will add precious seconds to the counter. The townsfolk themselves are zero chitchat, reinforcing the vibe of the world. As crazy as it sounds, Half Minute Hero is practically the perfect portable title; it realizes that you the player are on the go and are either already distracted or have to turn the game off any moment now, plus have probably seen it all when it comes to RPGs, and tries to deliver something that will maximize what little time you have. Can’t wait for the final release, since there’s also a shmup component to the thing, or so I hear.

There was also the Ju-On title for the Wii, but since I was pressed for time, didn’t get the chance to check it out, but at least it looked pretty cool. I’m not a big fan of Japanese horror flicks, but I suppose it’s encouraging to hear that the director of the movie is behind the game as well. Also nice to hear is how it might possibly be a budget release. Little King’s Story I also had to pass up on, but XSEED was thankfully nice enough to supply me with a copy. Played a bit of it earlier this weekend, and thus far, I love it; it’s a nice little mix of an ultra cute JPRG and Pikmin. Basically, you’re this kid that becomes king out of the blue that bosses everyone around in an attempt to build up the kingdom, which is a bit of a dump at first. The interface is simply fantastic, super smooth and intuitive (an area I always wary of in any strategy oriented title), plus the graphics and audio is also top-notch. Here’s my only problem: fairly early on, I encountered a bug that basically killed my game. Which totally blew, especially since much time and progress was lost in the process. I should perhaps let my contact at XSEED know about it, though it’s a bit too late, since all the retail copies have been printed up by now (which was what I was playing).

Then again, maybe I just have a bum copy? My Wii also locked up while playing Bit.Trip Core a few minutes ago (game is amazing BTW), though the problem in Little King Story just doesn’t seem to be hardware related.

  • http://www.vitaminsteve.com Steve Flack

    How are you getting to the Dragon’s Gate show? A kid I knew in high school is arranging a bus trip there…

  • https://www.fort90.com Matt

    I have no idea. I guess taking a train? This bus trip, is it some official Dragon’s Gate shuttle, or just something he’s doing? Because truth be told… as much as I was somewhat looking forward to a long bus ride full of anime geeks, something similar with wrestling nerds sounds positively horrifying.

    Are you going btw?

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