03/07/2007

That Most Improbable Of All Murder Weapons… Toast – OR – He Did Not Like Green Eggs And Ham… So They Killed Him

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

As if I didn’t have reason enough to be pissed at my old job, I have yet another one.

Another Fine Morning In The Big Apple

When I first joined the company, I went through the regular old routine of signing tax forms, which I absolutely loathe doing since I find them so confusing, no matter how “simple” they are, or regardless of how many times I fill them out, so I ended up making a mistake. This was brought to my attention by the accountant a few weeks later, who of course totally flipped her lid, but that was her way since she even described herself as the overly protective Jewish mother type. Basically, the way I had it, not much tax was being taken out from each paycheck, so I’d have to pay everything by the end of the year, which would have been a lot. So she suggested I have thing changed for that point. As for the taxes I had already “passed” on, well, I guess I would have to deal with when the time comes, but since I had been there for less then a month, it wasn’t a crazy amount (relatively speaking… at the time that is), and I’d deal with it when the time game. Again, this was my personal tax issue, and had nothing to do with the company.

So when I get my final paycheck today, what do I discover? That much of my money has been wiped out due to the taxes. Why? Because my boss decided to contact the IRS or whomever and have that which should have been paid beforehand taken out. I find this outrageous since it has nothing to do with his company, and therefore none of his business how my personal financial matters are handled.

But then again, maybe this isn’t what happened and I was simply shortchanged on my final paycheck, which at this point would not be a surprise. I did say beforehand that I was going to save the whole story of what happened for my upcoming TGQ piece, but I’m also tempted to share my, as Mike calls it, 30 second/elevator ride version of events since I’m still so pissed about it all.

Immediately afterwards I got into another mess over at J&R. For those who don’t know, J&R is this huge electronics “super-store” in the city that many New Yorkers swear by. Why? Because many New Yorkers don’t know anything better. Everything there is a fucking rip-off, and the salespeople are pretty much con artists who don’t know shit and will basically bold-face lie to you to get a sale. Anyway, last week I bought a SD card reader for my Mac that, for whatever reason, wouldn’t work. I tried returning it last week, but at the time I faced an hour long wait, mainly because the folks at the customer service window are slow as shit because they hate their jobs, as well as their lives, and have zero incentive to do much of anything, at the very least their jobs. So I returned this morning, after picking up my check, and was happy to see no one else there. So I went to the window, gave them the borked SD card reader, and expected to get my paltry $10 back. Yes? No. Instead, I got a pink slip and was told to just go to where I got the item and I would get my money back, easy as that.

So I head on over to where I got the card reader, which was the third floor of that particular building (J&R occupies several buildings all on one city block). After waiting at the register for three retards who each couldn’t find their fucking credit card when it came time to actually pay (kinda like those morons who wait in line at McDonald’s for fifteen minutes, and then they finally get up to order, they still don’t know what they want), I was told by the glassy-eyed woman that I needed a manager’s signature to get a refund. And of course, there’s no around. I then walk around the department looking for someone, anyone, eventually stumbling across three employees huddled in a corner. I ask where I can find the manager and am told that theirs went out to lunch (note: at the moment its 10:55 am, hardly lunch time), but I could go upstairs to the 4th floor and find one there.

I then go up to the fourth floor and ask the girl at the register there for the manager and am pointed towards some fat guy eating a huge cinnamon bun. I approach this tub of lard and ask “Please sign this so I can get my lousy $10 and get the hell out of here.” He gets all pissy and asks why the refund department (where I was originally) didn’t sign the slip, to which I respond “I don’t know, but based on previous visits, don’t everyone here just pass the buck?” When he tells me that I have to go back, I tell him no and reiterate that if he could just please sign the damn piece of paper, we could both get on with our lives. He then signs it, but then CROSSES HIS NAME OUT and says “Well whether you like it or no, you’re coming with me downstairs because I have to verify this!” And then he starts to complain “… and I have to get out of my seat for your stupid $10!!!”. To that, I reply with “GEE, TOO FUCKING BAD YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR ASS OUT OF YOUR FUCKING SEAT.” To that, he throws the piece of paper back to me and says get the hell out. But I at least have a signature, right?

So I returned to the third floor, back to the glassy-eyed chick who sent me on the wild chase to begin with, and present her the signed receipt. But then I’m told that I can only get my money back at ANOTHER register on the first floor. I fucking storm downstairs, and of course, by now everyone’s at lunch (its what… 11:05 am by now?), so the only thing I can do is literally scream “WHERE THE FUCK IS A MANAGER?!?!?!?” as loud as anyone can hear me. As you can tell, by now I’ve totally lost it. I just want my measly $10, what is so difficult about that? But it worked, because I was then directed to the head-hanco, who was apologetic about my ordeal, but in a rather condescending manner, such as how he directs yet another casheir to “give this young man some money”. The end.

Of course, what makes the whole situation so aggravating is that these douche-bags all have jobs and I don’t. And please, spare me the “its hard to be a salesperson” sob story, because I was one myself, in Times Square no less, so I know how hard, as well as easy it can be. Anyway… what did I do with my $10. Treated myself to lunch at Arby’s. And now my frequent diner card is all filled up, so the next meal is free!

Also this afternoon, when I stopped by the Virgin Megastore, I noticed Mad Maestro was in the discount bin for just $3. Still didn’t get it. But once it hits a dollar, its mine. And since we’re on the subject of video games…

Game News: There’s Plenty To Go Around, That’s For Sure

Oh, another reason why I’m in a pissy mood? The Game Developer’s Conference is going on and I’m not there to see Jeff Minter’s Space Giraffe in person.

Instead of being in beautiful San Fran (note: I’ve never been there, but I know people who have been or are from there, and not once have I ever heard anyone complain about the weather), I’m stuck here in NYC, in the freezing cold. My face is still red and sore from all the harsh winds from the day. Which is why once I got home, I stayed home, where its at least nice and warm…. though it would be nice to defrost at some job. But at least being unemployed has afforded me a chance to catch up on things that I’ve missed (between rounds of looking for work, or course). Again, I’ve been kinda late to the game on that end, no pun intended, so I’ll pass on mentioning and commenting on the big headlines (the PS3 keeps sucking, gee too bad, plus all I’ve also heard the tales about all the internal strife at Sony, but I also understand that things are settled with Immersion, which means maybe rumble might be coming back for their system, and Lord knows they need it… I personally can’t think of Metal Gear Solid 4 without it… I also know that Ouendan 2 is coming out for the Wii, which is great) and just stick to the small, maybe not everyone knows about kind of stuff….

- Like… and okay, this is kinda big news, but since it has to do with Tetsuya Mizuguchi, naturally I’m going to talk about it… Every Extend Extra Extreme for the Xbox Live Arcade. Though, more to the point, no Rez for XBLA. And I love how everyone got all hot and bothered over the idea of it, and when it came to pass that it didn’t happen, folks from Joystiq and Kotaku and others all acted like “yeah, we knew it could never happen.” Whatever. Actually, the possibility of Rez being ported to XBLA is not that far fetched if you think about. Virtually every company is looking to port whatever old game that might have an audience to the arena quick and easy like, and I don’t see why they wouldn’t hire Q Entertainment to handle the translation, and why they wouldn’t jump at the chance if an opportunity was presented. But anyway…

- Back to the GDC, here’s an article that expresses a concern what I myself, and others, have had as of late: is it becoming too big? As the article also points out, its great that the event has grown, to reflect and accommodate the growth of the industry and all those who are part of it, but given that there is also this need to fill the void of E3, as well as how “corporate” it’s become, you kinda get the feeling that people are crashing the party. I don’t want to name names, but I do know people who are attending that, to be totally honest, seem to have no reason to be there other than to be close to the action. Which I can understand, and maybe I’m just all sour grapes, but I see the GDC as something good, one of the few good things that the industry has going for it right now actually, and I’d rather not see it get spoiled by scenesters and money, tis all.

- One more item from Joystiq, and I’m only really passing it along for MK, since she’s into knitting: a crocheted Atari 2600.

- Now onto stuff as overheard at Kotaku… and I already know what you’re saying: why in the hell am I bothering with both Joystiq and Kotaku? Well, like I said, I’m just trying to catch up on stuff. Plus, since they’ve used me as a source of news, I guess I’m just returning the favor (note, I forget which site used to send me email asking “Hey dude, you haven’t posted an update in a while, and we kinda like the stuff that you write” accompanied by a smiley face… maybe because both sites are pretty much interchangeable), so anyway… first we have Yoot Saito, the creator or Odama, playing the game with the Wii-mote.

- Then there’s a look at the special team from Namco’s latest baseball game, with players based on famous Namco characters, with my definite have being the guy based on the road in Pole Position, which manages to surpass the Daytona car character in AM2′s Fighters Megamix in terms of meta-ness, at least from my POV.

- They also had two separate pieces about two different comic book folks, writer Mark Millar (whose work I am a fan of) and artist Ian Gibson, saying bad things about video games. Millar sez “games are for pedos” and Gibson sez “the PlayStation will never tell stories”.

Needless to say, both comments are kinda perplexing, but in fine Kotaku tradition, the response couldn’t be any more asinine. Especially with Gibson, with the response basically being “dur… the people who own the comic that he works on develops video-games, SO KNOW YOUR ROLE!!!” and advises him to not bite the hand that feeds him (so he can’t say anything bad about his bosses, especially when its not a direct attack against them but just the business they engage in?). What bullshit. How about his comment about how the comics market is “dying” because of video games?! Now that’s something worth dissecting.

- On a more positive video games + comic note, hey, Bone is coming to the DS!

- Robin gave me the head’s up on this one: what do you get when you mix arcade classics from the early 80′s with stop motion? You get this.

- I also found out from Robin originally about the new line of products from Japan that mixes Space Invaders with Hello Kitty?

- Here it is, the first screenshots from the Golden Compass game, based on the upcoming movie. And it looks like… bleh.

- Holy shit, Doom for Intellivision!!! Its even better than the Atari 2600 version! In more ways than one…

- I can’t believe Second Life keeps getting more and more “respect” as it goes on. When people began taking Second Life very seriously at first, it was kinda cute, and kinda gay, but now its ridiculous, and beyond gay into fucking retarded territory. For example, there’s now a group that wants to grant “political rights” to avatars. Its the Second Life Liberation Army. Truth be told, I would find this about a thousand times more awesome if this was for some other game, like Worlds of Warcraft, or anything else that wasn’t Second Life. And it pretty clear that all the folks that talk about how amazing it is, and how its the next step in interaction and commerce or whatever the hell else its described as on magazine covers have never actually played the damn thing. And neither have I to be honest, but I’m pretty sure that after about 2 hours of wrecking furries’ tea parties, I’d probably find the whole thing boring as fuck.

- Yet another guide for dudes on how to get their girlfriends to play video games with them. Thing that amazes me about such piece is that it just seem so fucking obvious! Like, do guys really need to be told “hey, be supportive of her and don’t get pissed if she doesn’t automatically pick up a game as fast as you’d like”?!?! Then again, the same could be said about 90% of all guides about women for me.

- Over at Select Button, someone posted this picture and I wondered what game the girl was playing. For some reason I though it was shmup, so I asked a few friends, and Robin came up with Guilty Gear XX. But still thinking it was a shump, I then showed it to Nullsleep, and aside from agreeing that it’s probably indeed Guilty Gear, he noted “The arcade cabinet looks like its modeled after a Sega Blast City, but with the name changed to Fighting City” and then showed me the following pic…

… of an arcade unit (a Blast City machine to be exact) that’s being powered by a Dreamcast!

- Nullsleep also wonder how, in a previous entry, I could mention Konami’s new loli-centric shump, Otomedius, and not mention Cave’s new title, which also feature girls, but fat ones, Muchi Muchi Pork.

- Staying on the topics of shumps for a bit, here’s something in “its about damn time” category: a piece that serves as a decent introduction to the scene for novices (trust me, I know how hard it can be to try and compile info on them) with links and recommendations. It’s a bit… incomplete, at least in my opinion, but at least it?s something.

- Meanwhile at Insert Credit, they recently posted an article that asks why video games does not have its own Citizen Kane. I guess? Sorry, but I have zero patience these days for New Games Journalism pieces where the bottomline is that the author no longer likes video games the way he used to and then pontificates as to what led to this, basically “what went wrong” and “where did the magic go”… I appreciate the intent, but its almost always delivered in such a smug manner that I can’t help roll my eyes.

But I think a more important question is why video games does not have its own Airplane. Or A Night At The Opera. Or This Is Spinal Tap. I ask because of this recent trailer for the new EA game, Battlefield: Bad Company. It tries to be funny…. but it isn’t, at least to me. But comedy is subjective. Not just among people and their comedic tastes, but the medium that it exists in. Maybe it is funny… for a video game. I’m curious to see what other might think about this.

- Though on a related note, video games at least might already have its Cannibal Holocaust… And now for something very special, courtesy of James, that crazy Sonic loving, furry hating Brit that makes everyone smile over at Select Button whose findings I’ve presented more than a few times before.

The other day he passed along this, a detailed rundown of the game Harvester, an old PC game from the mid 90s that has been called the most gruesome, violent, and sadistic games ever created. It?s also supposed to be really, REALLY bad.

For years I’ve been obsessed with this game, ever since first reading about in Next Generation magazine as a kid, but all my despite all my investigating, I haven’t been able to find any info on the game. So needless to say, I was more than a tiny bit ecstatic to finally get proof of the game’s existence, let along a complete walk-through, with pictures and videos, of this totally insane game.

So what makes Harvester so damn special? Well, its basically a crappy playing, as well as crappy looking, adventure game that features an inane plot, shitty acting, wretched combat… the works. Actions and events in the game including buying a dirty magazine for the creepy man of the law, bothering firemen as they make gay porn, scratching a car to impress occultists, getting into arguments with a child molester, engaging in the most un-erotic sex imaginable, setting fires, causing a woman to kill herself and her young daughter, and murdering janitors, clowns, old people, animated works of art… you even have to kill a drunken version of yourself! It even features kids cannibalizing their mother! WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY?!?!?! if an insane David Lynch fan was t go pyscho and try and create a video game that was “inspired” by his idol to create a video game, this would be exhibit A when he’s on trial for stalking and being a menace. It’s just THAT good!

Btw, here’s a screenshot…

- James also passed this along: info on another pretty gruesome game, also the very last commercial game for the PC Engine (which did the whole Dreamcast thing of just hanging in there well after it was pronounced dead before the DC did it) called Dead of the Brain 1& 2. Not to be confused with Brain Powered 2, or something like that, which this bizarre action game that had Hitler’s brain involved (of course), also for the PC Engine, that was a fave of mine back in the day.

- Its been point out numerous times by numerous folks, but this YTMND does a good job of illustrating the point of how Nintendo seems determined to make cute, cuddly, and pink Kirby all hardcore and shit.

- Koreans are often accused of being obsessed with ass humor. Anything dealing with farting and shitting and the like. And this web game, aimed at kids, in which you have to pass wind undetected, by waiting for a loud vehicle to stop by, does little to help battle said stereotype.

- And speaking of Koreans…

- There’s nothing I like better then hearing reports from the foreign press about how lazy us Americans are, especially when it comes to something video game related. Like this report on some guy that didn’t want to go through the trouble of doing the grunt work to get some stupid achievement points for Xbox Live Arcade, so he built a machine to do the work (of once again, playing a video game) for him.

- So I guess I should probably comment on this, eh? And would be a surprise to anyone to hear me say that I think it looks fucking retched? Yeah, didn’t think so. Next…

- Here’s a nifty, and rather useful site, one that keeps track of all the ultra rare, collectable game related stuff that passes through eBay.

- Found this over at the Select Button forums, its the cover of some Euro gaming mag…

- Yet another item from the IC that I forgot to mention a while ago: a nice little piece that touches upon how the system wars were all about the bits. Apparently, the PS3 is only 128 bits? I also fondly recall having these long debates with the creepy dude I worked with at Burger King shortly after high school about the number of bits in the Atari 2600. He said it had to be 4 since it was less powerful and older than then NES, but I tried explaining to him that it just didn’t work that way. But hey, the guy did own a Saturn!

- Meanwhile, earlier today, there’s a brief write-up, fresh from the GDC about some DS game in which you play the perfect housewife. Interesting… I wonder if is something dudes who can’t get their girlfriends to play games should put on their shopping lists?

- Time to head over to the Gaming Age Forums and see what’s the talk over there (aside from all the usual nonsensical Sony/Nintenod/MS is DOOMED topics, of course). First is a thread about a series of totally absurd Super Mario comics

- Then you have some guy who confesses that he can’t stop thinking about Tetris, even during sex.

- Remember the Genesis guitar that I linked to a whiles back? Well check out this Famicom guitar!

The details behind the making of are here, which even includes a vid of the thing in action. Meanwhile, someone at the GAF posted these in response…

- Another gem that us American gamers never enjoyed originally has finally gotten a fan translation! And this time its Pulseman for the Mega Drive (Genesis)! Its seriously one of the system’s most criminally underrated game, and definitely worth the download.

- Speaking of fan-translations, perhaps you too have wondered, hey, what’s the deal with Mother 3? Well, its thankfully alive and well. And on that note…

The Obligatory YouTube Section Of This Journal Entry (Part One: Video Games)

- Here’s a commercial for a Japanese N64 fishing game by the father of Mother, Shigesato Itoi.

- And here’s the trailer to the next Phoenix Wright game in development, which will be the first true DS game (everything up till this point has just been the original GBA games plus enhancements). The 3D crime scene viewer looks particularly hot.

- Courtesy of Select Button’s Mister Toups, a vid of some guy playing a Power Pad game (Remember those? That running pad for the NES, which was a precursor to the DDR pads, and was primarily used for track & field-type games?) while eating a sausage. Yeah, I don’t know why either.

- Another neat little thing that Robin gave me the head’s up on: a very video game-y music video for DJ Shadow.

- As pointed out by the folks at the GAF, check out this home made Punch Out movie made circa 1987!

- On a similar note, while it may not be as cool as the one where they’re on the beach, lighting their hands on fire, but this bit of KOF cosplay and play fighting is pretty entertaining.

- Hey, take a look: a bunch of death scenes from Resident Evil 4. Also, a bunch of death scenes from Manhunt. What’s the preferred method of death? Plastic or getting one’s head chain-sawed off?

- Some of you may have heard of it over at the IC, its the spirtual successor to Princess Crown: here’s the official trailer to Odin Sphere. Much like Princess Crown before it, the animation is totally nuts.

The Internet Is Good To Me (And For You)

As for other non-game related crap that’s made the internet particuarly awesome as of late…

- Robin also passed this along (remember, he’s a correspondent for this site!) a whiles ago and I haven’t really had the chance to mention it till now: remember that Soundwave that actually plays music? Well here comes Rumble and Frenzy, but instead of being tapes (the new Soundwave plays music for SD cards), they’re now headphones, and they actually work!

- And Katie also showed me this recently: some comic about how a girl dealing with her unwanted body hair, with the most interesting comment being how Korean guys adore public hear. And speaking as a half Korean, let’s just say that I’m…. very Americanized.

- Yo, its rap cat! And I’m only mentioning this because A) Checkers serves some damn good, and dirt cheap burgers, that I always look forward to munching on when I’m in Jersey with MK by the shore, and B) you wouldn’t believe how happy I am that Burger King has officially opened the door for shitty fast food mascots once again.

- Yet another YTMND, one that’s absolutely NSFW, but which I found too funny not to pass along. Its tre romantic!

- I forget who it is that I know that hates those cavemen Geico commercials. Well for that person… I’ve got bad news.

- And now that I have the time, I’m seriously thinking of becoming a penn pal with a prisoner.

The Obligatory YouTube Section Of This Journal Entry (Part Two: Other Stuff)

- Ever wanted to hear some Eminem wannabe diss Harry Potter? Your wish as finally been granted.

- I hear that the best show on G4 at the moment is some ultimate physical challenge show, which has been repackaged as Ninja Warrior (I have to wonder if its at all drastic like how Takeshi’s Castle became Most Extreme Elimination Challenge). Well here’s a clip of show as it originally appears.

- On a related note, its kinda been a while since I’ve posted a Hard Gay clip.

- Meet Geoffrey Leonard: Australian. Author. Dog owner. Child molester.. Also, totally nuts!

- Finally, Bjork + some braindance artist + stop motion animation starring a little bear made out of felt that likes the travel in space = LOVE

  • http://www.dmauro.com dmauro

    caveman geico ads turned into a sitcom
    ;_______;
    very crying

  • http://www.dmauro.com dmauro

    I read that entire walkthrough of Harvester today. It was amazing. I am definitely downloading that when I get home because I wasn’t able to watch the movies that were linked throughout the walkthrough.

  • http://alonewithaghost.com/ Isfet

    Matt, this is one of your best entries, in terms of links. every single one of them is absolutely wonderful.

  • PAINPAINPAIN

    Cheers for sharing that Bjork link, it’s truly wonderous.

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