01/27/2014

“Should I kill myself or get another hooker?”: Cinema Obscura Part 2

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

The Roger Ebert of drive-in cinema himself, Joe Bob Briggs in the flesh.

Where was I? Oh yeah: on the Monday that followed the Totally 80’s Movie Freak Out (as detailed in part 1), I made a trip to Carroll Gardens, which I hadn’t been to in ages; without Rocketship, my reasons to be in that part of Brooklyn pretty much disappeared. To the apartment where Peter Kuplowsky was staying; Peter’s a pal I made during the very first Comics Vs. Games in Toronto, who came to town for the aforementioned Subway Cinema shindig. Together, along with the guy he was staying with (dude named Josh; really nice guy), we all watched movies the way God intended (at least in the 80s and 90s), via the good ol’ VCR…

Runaway Nightmare

In a nutshell: two dudes, including one who has the looks of Nicholas Cage and the voice of James Stewart (but neither of their acting chops), are bug farmers (yes, that’s an actual thing) in the middle of nowhere. Craving adventure, they get it in the form of an all female cult that kidnaps them; initially it would appear that they’re goners, but the gals decide to make nice and them members in the end, though they have to pass a test first. And that’s having sex with the women, naturally. Eventually we discover that the ladies need muscle, in their war against the mob, which stole a briefcase filled with plutonium that’s rightfully there’s.

Of the two, the non Nic Cage/Jimmy Stewart hybrid enjoys his new lot in life, mostly since he’s banging all hot chicks. Whereas the other one only seems to get hit on by the resident crazy chick, fat chick, and vampire. Did I mention that, whenever any of the females get naked, it’s actually video footage that was inserted by the distributor, to give the proceeding some extra flavor? Runaway Nightmare is a MST3K film but without Joel and Bots to fill up the long stretches of awkward silence. In many ways, it’s super reminiscent of Manos: The Hands of Fate, since much of its mind-numbing confusion also stems from everything being too damn dark (plus it also takes place in the desert). Yet there’s always this genuinely weird and creepy vibe, like a David Lynch flick. So Runaway Nightmare ends up being the bastard love child of Manos and Mullholand Drive.

Shreck

Nope, not the CGI big budget blockbuster staring the lovable ogre that hails from Hollywood, but a SOV (Shot On Video) no budget obscurity starring the ghost of a real life Nazi that was shot in Wisconsin. You basically have three dorky teenagers who love horror movies (and the very types to makes SOVs, BTW) that decide to resurrect the sprit of said monster, to force him to do their bidding, or something to that effect. And it actually works! Except, turns out that Shreck’s not the agreeable type. It’s typical SOV fare, meaning it’s that home movie you made with pals in junior high, and one of them sat onto the footage for years, until community college, where it became his final project. See for yourself; am posting the entire thing since I’m certain that there’s no chance in hell that I’m going to get a C&D (plus SOVs rarely had trailers, since there was never a place to show them).

… The following (and this past) weekend I was back at the Spectacle, to see a Ronnie Cramer retrospective hosted by noted B movie critic and advocate, Joe Bob Briggs. The man’s long been a hero of mine, believe it or not (actually, anyone who knows my penchant for bad movies should not be the least bit surprised), so not only was it a thrill to see Briggs in the flesh but hear him talk about Cramer, the indie filmmaker that he helped to put on the map. Well, certain kinds of people’s maps, at least…

Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend

The title comes from lead character Marcus Templeton’s revelation that even the most evil man in the history of mankind was able to get a girl. Marcus is a prototypical loser: a 30 year old security guard who does the graveyard shift at an abandoned lot, and who has just as little contact with other humans in his down life. Marcus has no males friends, nor any female acquaintances; his obsession with sex, particularly women’s breasts is either the cause or end result, who knows. At first we see him consume copious amounts of porn and engage in peeping tom nonsense, but eventually resorts to phone sex and finally hookers. Along the way he comes up with so-called genius ideas, like secretly audio and video taping his hook ups, to save money on porn you see, plus getting a corset and ”Reduce-O-Creme” in hopes of improving his looks and self esteem, to get a regular girl. Neither works, naturally.

And on top of all that, Marcus is also tormented by the spirit of his dead father, who pops up every once in a while to let his son know what a POS he is, his neighbor keeps slipping religious propaganda under the door, and he also looks like wanted mass murder. But none of these points are at all developed, alas. Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend feels like a bizarre mishmash of Clerks and Sex, Lies, and Videotape, with some truly compelling moments. Andren Scott, who plays Marcus, simply shines as this pathetic individual that kinda deserves his lot in life, yet who is still totally sympathetic. Unfortunately, the movie’s pacing and even progress of events is all of the place, and the end result is somewhat tedious. Which I guess you can see for yourself; couldn’t find the trailer, but just the whole thing, and figured what the hey. Oh, and there’s also a sequel!

The Hitler Tapes

Cramer, perhaps motivated by the success of Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend (I’m guessing that he got a decent amount of pub when Briggs called it the ”Best Drive-In Movie of the Year” of 1991), decided to do a follow up. Unfortunately, actor Andren Scott was killed halfway through during filming. In real life, Scott was an everyday schlep apparently; according to Briggs, he worked at a convenience store during the day, and was asked by a friend to do the evening shift. And the one time he does so, he gets robbed and the murdered in the process, for a measly $12. Such a shame. Anyhow, it’s hard to judge the sequel given that Cramer had a real creative quandary on his hands.

Much of the footage that had been shot is simply Marcus engaging in the same nonsense as before; he’s still trying to haggle down the prices of hookers and asking them bizarre questions while videotaping them. Though it also gets all artsy fartsy; the parts in which women are respond to Marcus are way longer and far more existential. There’s also this super model that’s seen listening to Marcus’s secrete audio recordings in various parts of town. In the end, The Hitler Tapes is flat out depressing, given the knowledge of what happened to the lead, and how this was his last movie, and the fact that it’s shot on video and not film makes it that much worse.

Highway Amazon

Cramer’s one and only documentary is centered on Christine Fetzer, a female body builder that travels the country to wrestles men in hotel room. Basically, horny guys that are into muscle worship. Basically it’s Christine giving us the 411 about her background, how she fell into such a thing, and various anecdotes regarding memorable patrons. Just to be clear, she doesn’t have sex with these men, and instead simply tosses them around on a bed, often putting them in head scissors for prolonged periods of time. We are told that sometimes dudes will jerk off afterwards, but that’s about it. What a living!

The yarn that Christine spins is definitely amusing, though the best part is seeing her grapple dudes, but not surprisingly, many did not want to be seen on filmed. As such, it’s mostly just Fetzer talking directly to the camera and unfortunately that gets simply old after the first hour. That and her flexing for the camera, and she only has like three poses. It’s still worth checking out if it every crosses your path, and if anything, it’s interesting seeing how wackos found each other before the internet really came into its own (whereas today, there’s like a million ways to become aquatinted with wack jobs).

Roar

Remember how I said I have two new cinematic obsessions for 2014? Say hello to film #2, which I learned about at the Spectacle; they showed a trailer for a late February screening, and it looked so nuts that I had to download a copy myself. Roar is the brainchild of Noel Marshall, who wrote, direct, and stars in the film, along with his wife at the time, Tippi Hedren (both served as producers as well). It’s why Roar is often referred to as ”The Birds, but with lions”. Speaking, the real stars of the show are the 150 or so lions plus tigers and panthers; there was a script, you could say, but the large cats (who were completely untrained) called the shots and ultimately dictated the finer details (which is why a few also received writing and directing credits also).

Along with his wife, even Marshall’s children (which includes Melanie Griffith) are in the movie, who all in real life lived in a large home that housed over a hundred lions roaming in and out as they pleased. This was not in Africa, btw, but in Los Angeles. The plot’s paper thin, mostly about people needing to treat animals with respect, cuz they’re our b-fries, blah, blah, blah. Mostly since it’s just random footage of big cats going completely apesh*t that’s been pieced together to form a narrative of sorts. Again, these are NOT trained animals; while not completely wild either, they do whatever the hell that they want, like getting super rough with each other (plus people) and with Marshall getting right in the think of things. There are times in which it looks as if he’s getting mauled, because he is, and while not a bloody mess afterward, he clearly shows the damaged that had been done.

I cannot emphasis how insane Roar is. There’s a reason why it’s also referred to as ”the most dangerous home movie ever made”. Alongside Skatetown USA, I also can’t believe it’s not more famous. Perhaps because no one died, miraculously, though the lead cinematographer apparently had the back of his head clawed off, essentially scalping him and requiring 200 stitches, yet he did return to work (fun fact: that was Jan De Bont, who aside from filming classics like Die Hard, also directed Speed). Otherwise, the turnaround was pretty high, which might also explain why it took 11 years for the movie to be finished. But yeah, however you can, FIND THIS MOVIE.

… I suppose I should mention that, while not nearly as annoying the previous weekend, that audience at Spectacle during the Ronnie Cramer retrospective was still fairly annoying. At the very least I’ve finally come to understand the crowd; they’re just young kids, the clueless types. Case in point: everyone loved all the Cramer flicks, to the point that they believed them to be works of genius. And they’re kinda not. I suppose it simply speaks of their lack of familiarity, and that’s okay, cuz we all have to go down that rabbit hole on our own. In that sense, it’s almost feel like I’m some stranger who is sitting in on movie night among a group college pals.

Maybe if I go there enough to know me, they’ll realize that I for one am not a fan of their witty commentary, cuz it’s lame, and be quiet.

Speaking of, I got to know yet another member of the Spectacle family, the guy who’s in charge of the midnight screenings, and I gave him some recommendations that I believe is perfect for the theater (and he definitely sounded interested). I also told him about Canzo Empyrean, as in, if he had possibly heard of it and maybe even screened it. No such luck. Was a real long shot, but had to ask; with my time in NYC winding down, I am pretty desperate to see it and need as many helping hands as possible. Speaking of, there’s a brand new trailer that I had no idea existed! Well, it came out last year, but it’s still one I hadn’t seen up until now…

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01/26/2014

“Should I kill myself or get another hooker?”: Cinema Obscura Part 1

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

Taken while waiting for WHITE OF THE EYE to wind down.

So for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been watching lots, and lots, and LOTS of movies. Most of which you’ve probably have never heard of. Heck, most I hadn’t heard of either!

As explained already, was in the middle of detailing last year’s NYAFF before this blog went completely off the rails (btw, I plan on covering the rest of the fest, most of which has been written out already, though I can’t seemed to find the corresponding TextEdit files). So I figure a good way to get back into the swing of things might be to rundown all these crazy ass films you should definitely try to see for yourselves! Though that’s much easier said than done.

For starters, the first film I’ll be talking about was seen at The Spectacle, this super duper low fi screening room in Williamsburg. Chris Person recommended that I check it out ages ago, given that their brand of programming is right up my alley. Though he mostly suggested I get to know the people behind the scenes, in hopes of snagging a chance to screen stuff myself. And I did chat with a woman on that end that evening, and she was mad cool. As for everyone else, that’s a different story.

Going in, I expected the dirt worst attempt at MST3K-esque commentary from obnoxious hipsters imaginable and that’s exactly what I got. What I didn’t expect was, while waiting for the movie, for some message therapist who lives above the theater and was getting some fresh air (I think) to try and explain A. why Citi Bikes are evil, B. how he once waited on OJ Simpson & his wife Nicole a week before the former murdered the latter, and C. that I was ”the coolest nerd I’ve ever met”.

So moving on…

The Pit

The Pit centers on Jamie, whose antics would perhaps be cute if he was 6 (and even then he’d probably still got on everyone’s nerves), but at age 12, the kid’s downright cringe worthy and pathetic. Not surprisingly, Jamie has no friends aside from a sentient teddy bear (who also looks creepy as all hell, btw), and a bunch of trolls who live in a hole in the middle of the woods (hence the title of the movie). There’s also Sandy, his babysitter, who aside from being a hottie, tries her very best to be as patient and understanding as possible. So much so that Sandy doesn’t totally freak out when she wakes up to discover Jamie at her bedside, who had been starring at an exposed nipple of hers for who knows how long.

Predictably, Jamie falls in love with Sandy, and perhaps due to extreme horniness (naturally the girl doesn’t reciprocate), he goes completely off the deep end, like pretending to kidnap the librarian’s daughter, so he can force her to strip naked by the living room window (as to take Polaroids that he can, presumably, jerk off to). At least Jamie figures a way to get the trolls to like him, which is by feeding them. And as it turns out, their desire for human flesh is also a great way to get rid of people, like the kids that beat Jamie up in school, Sandy’s boyfriend, and the elderly lady that still gives Jaime grief for the time he caught him pretending to be naked Superman. A must watch, though your only real options are VHS copies that occasionally pop up on eBay.

… The following day was Subway Cinema’s Totally 80’s Movie Freak Out mini fest (which took place at the Anthology Film Archives, aka God’s gift to New York cinephiles). Six fairly obscure and completely awesome films, all shoved down one’s optic nerves in one sitting. But because The Pit was a midnight screening, I didn’t get home until 4am, so I missed movie #1, White of The Eye.

From what I gather, it’s by a Brit director who examines the pathos that is living in the middle of nowhere USA, but in the form of a slasher flick. Or at least it starts out that way, and is ultimately ”much bigger than that”. I did catch the ending, and one could tell that the director does music videos. Anyhow, onto movie #2…

Miami Blues

The last thing I expected was an Alec Baldwin vehicle, so upon seeing his name, my immediate reaction was ”Really?” But I was quickly reminded that A. Subway’s Cinema’s tastes should always be trusted, and B. once upon time, Baldwin wasn’t the total douche that he is today. Not saying much more since the trailer does a good job of hitting all the major points, plus when compared to everything else on the card, Miami Blue’s description wouldn’t be nearly as exciting to read. Still, it’s absolutely worth tracking down, if only cuz you can, given that it’s the most readily available of the bunch as well (was made widely available via DVD). A must see for all fanboys of Sidney Lumet especially, though a word of warning: like all combination crime capers/black comedies, someone loses their fingers and it’s especially gruesome here.

Class of 1984

Class of 1984 is “my God, this country is DOOMED” cautionary propaganda at its best. Aa before, the trailer sums everything up quite nicely, though there are some details worth elaborating on. Like how it features an especially fresh faced (and kinda chunky) Michael Fox before he got the J; his second film ever! He’s a band geek, naturally, one of the few good apples in the music class taught by the new guy, who’s trying his best to impart knowledge into kids’ skulls damnit. As well as the best friend of another total square, the one that buys drugs from the bad kids and snorts the whole thing, right there on the spot, and immediately ODs (like in every after school special from the 80s). Also awesome is Roddy McDowall as the science teacher who drinks on the job since his students are so hopeless, and goes nuts when they kill his cat (poor kitty).

Skatetown USA

Take the Mos Eisley cantina scene from Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope, combine it with the Mos Eisley cantina scene from the Star Wars Christmas Special, add very healthy doses of disco and cocaine, and you get Skaketown, USA. It’s also my brand new cinematic obsession (one of two actually), which comes at the right time since I’ve officially seen GETEVEN a hundred times at this point. At the center of it all is some Luke Skywalker but on steroids looking dude who wants to make a name for himself on the hallowed (and waxed) floors of the hottest rollerskating rink in a suburb of California, though I like pretending that it’s some far away land, with no connection to time and space and reality.

By Luke’s side is his sister, played by Maureen McCormick, aka Marcia from Brady Brunch, who I swear to God has never looked hotter (well, she’s older and has lost the long goofy hair for shorter locks). Along with Scott Baio, who actually gets top billing, and is Luke’s manager of sorts. And the one person standing in the way (on wheels) is Patrick Swayze making his big screen debut, as the head of the nefarious Westside Wheelers, a gang who terrorizes Skatetown (and his right hand man, who does the real dirty work, is Horshack of Welcome Back Cotter fame). The all-star cast also includes Flip Wilson, who plays both the manager of the rink and his mother, Billy Barty as the dad/husband, Ruth Buzzy as some uptight city councilwoman who wants to shut the joint down, and Joe E. Ross from Car 54 in the most nonsensical cameo ever. But there’s more!

Skatetown USA basically has it all: live performances from 70s music superstars that you’ve never heard of, the hijinks of a nerdy newlywed couple that includes the wife being kidnapped by a black guy, hallucinogenic drugs as a pizza topping, a stand up routine by The Unknown Comic, and some seriously sweet roller-skating, captured via truly eye-popping camera work. It’s a real shame that the movie was never released on home video, with the going theory being that it would have been a nightmare to get all the record labels to sing on. The entire thing is on YouTube, but the quality (from a telecine, based upon a 16mm print; the version I saw was in glorious 35mm) is beyond abysmal. But better than nothing I suppose.

Road Games

Regarded as a classic in the annuls of Ozploitation (and for good reason), Road Games stars Stacy Keach as Quid, a trucker going from one end of Australia to the other by his lonesome self. To keep his wits, he crafts intricate narratives based upon the people he pass by on the road, or makes up silly games, both of which are either irritating or way too freaky for the passengers that come his way. But Jamie Lee Curtis is the one hitchhiker that plays along, and she too believes that this guy in the green van that Quid keeps running into is indeed a serial killer as suspected. Making matters worse is how Quid himself eventually becomes the primary suspect, plus everyone wants to kill his dog. I’m sucker for movies in which everyone thinks the hero is nuts, and near the end, you start thinking the same thing as well. It’s the Rear Window/Mad Max mashup that you never knew that you wanted. Was released domestically on home video, but that was ages ago.

Enemy Territory

Here’s the premise: the whitest insurance salesman in all of NYC must traverse a housing project that’s basically a war zone (translation: poor/angry black people live there) to get a kindly old lady to sign her policy and accept her first payment (which is $5,000, in cash) and make it back alive. Out for blood are the Vampires; no, not actual blood suckers, but a gang that calls themselves that (and led by Tony Todd, in his very first role) and which terrorizes the entire building. Thankfully the white dude comes across a friend in the form of the cable guy, played by Ray Parker Jr (yes, the man who sang the theme to Ghostbusters). Oh, one lone white guy lives there as well, a disabled war vet that’s a total militia dude who, aside from having a billion guns also has bullet proof steel covering everything, even the kitty litter! Easily Jan-Michael Vincent’s greatest role you never knew about. Came out on VHS but never DVD, so good luck hunting!

… That’s not all folks! Continues in part 2.

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01/13/2014

“this is the stuff nightmares are made of you guys”

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

… According to Maurie Foulston. And she’s entitled to her opinion.

So! In an effort to keep this thing somewhat regularly updated, I present the following, courtesy of Cory…

No doubt it’s a related to my current obsession, which once again, is SammyClassicSanicFan. Though he’s now going by the handle SammyTanookiGamer, mostly due to the Sonic fanbase finally driving him over the edge. Also, he’s 15 year old, or so he claims.

Bonus video time! And long story short: my buddy Joe is easily the biggest Alien Nation fan I personally know. Though he’s also the ONLY Alien Nation fan I know as well. Anyhow, last night he showed the following, and noted how shocked he was that it wasn’t already a part of my wacky media collection.

It’s basically the most insane thing ever…

Remember: the above was actually on national television, believe it or not. Also, if you wish to the see the Tenctonese-ian miracle of birth, or should I say the latter half, simply kick back with a carton of sour milk and click here.

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