So another I-CON has come and gone. And how was this year’s event? It pretty much rocked, at least for myself.
- This year, myself, Jason, and MK was joined by Dave (Gilbert). I was the guy that kinda got Dave into the whole indie NYC game dev scene, so I guess it was only appropriate that I introduce Dave into the wild world of video game, as well as general geek, fandom.
The car ride Friday afternoon was basically Dave hearing about the show’s unique “qualities” from the rest of us, and I could tell on his face that he was wondering what the hell he had gotten himself involved with, and even asked as such. The funniest thing was how it was all deja vu for MK, who was in the same exact boat during the car ride to last year’s show. Among the many colorful personalities from the past that was spoken off was crazy-ass Battlestar Galactica fan dressed like Doctor Who that trolled the panel on trolling, who would be a popular subject later on at the show. And I didn’t even get a chance to tell Dave about the Gamer Sex panel from many years back when I used to attend the show with Dave (Roman) and John, which was the very first “OMG this is the most insane shit EVER” I-CON moment for me.
Unfortunately, traffic was worse than usual, so we all got to the hotel and to the con fairly late, so I ended up missing my very first panel, which was about Nintendo’s interface “revolution” (Jason and Dave was supposed to be on it as well). So instead, we just walked around the dealer’s room for a bit then checked out some other panels. MK & I had a great time at a fanfic panel the year prior, so we went to check out that was entitled “Fan-Fiction: What’s the Controversy?” It was moderated by an extremely awkward and insane kid wearing a Batman & Robin hat and much of what he said was ridiculous. For example, he revealed that he has written Futrama fanfic, and then went on to say that most people are “mistaken” when they say its a sci-fi comedy, but it is in fact a dramady. Ummmm…. Then he mentioned that the character of Lela is basically pointless and contributes nothing to the show, and that the episodes with her and Zapf Brannigan in particular are annoying, which of course, is the ramblings of an insane person. Naturally, the best parts of any trainwreck panel at I-CON is the audience, and virtually everyone who had a question or comment spoke in a voice and tone that sounded like people trying to do caricatures of nerds and geeks, but were actually speaking normally.
Afterwards was a panel called “AMVs: Do’s and Boo’s” that MK wanted to check out until she actually found out what an AMV is (for those who don’t know, they’re music videos featuring crappola music with anime footage, so for example, any random Fall Out Boy song with Naruto providing the visuals). So instead, we joined up with Jason at a panel that was about the paranormal featuring a trio of kids that ghost hunt around Long Island. At one point they played a sound clip that was recorded when they were checking out some haunted house, which they claimed sounded like “John, we miss you”, everyone else in the room agreed, but it sounded like total gobbledygook to me. Because the scheduled was lite on stuff we wanted to, plus we had a big day ahead of us, we all decided to head out for food and rest. We stopped by the Dave & Buster’s near the hotel and were immediately offended by the $3 cover charge. At least we all got game cards, but it being D&B, virtually every game cost around $4 a pop (hard to tell the exact value due to their retarded use of credits), plus they hardly had anything good to play. The only thing that was of any real interest was skee-ball and it was totally messed up. At least the food was good.
- The next day, Saturday, was what I had been waiting for. While standing by the car when we arrived at the show that morning, three kids passed by in the parking lot, and one went “Hey!” at me. Everyone in my party just looked at me, and I’d find out afterwards that MK thought he was going to get ready to punch me. Then the kid asked “Worst video games of all time?” I said yes, and he went, with much enthusiasm “I’ll be there!” When the kids left, MK, Jason, and Dave just looked at me and simply went “wow”; I both felt both elated and all of sudden very nervous for later that day.
- I guess I should mention real quick the dealers’ room. It used to be this vast land of awesome treasure to gawk at, a place to fight temptation at virtually every turn. Then the internet came along, offering everything that was there, but much cheaper and just plain more. Each year for the past couple its gotten more and more anemic, and this year’s was by far the worst. There was only one thing that really caught my attention, and it was the special Toys R Us exclusive Soundwave re-release some guy had (which Transformers experts will tell you is not actually Soundwave but Soundblaster, a special souped up version that allows him to house two cassette Transformers, not just one, that was never originally released in America). I ended up not getting it, since I had no idea how much it was worth online and didn’t want to get ripped off, plus everyone was all “don’t get it, you don’t need it!!!” But I would later find out that the $50 he was asking for was pretty reasonable. Yeah, I don’t NEED it, and yeah, it would just sit there collecting dust on a shelf in my bedroom, but its fucking Soundwave god damnit!
- My speaking schedule kicked off at two. I did a panel on censorship with a blacklisted science fiction author (who’s name escapes me right now, and I feel pretty stupid about that) that turned out to be pretty awesome since I had never really spoken with anyone with his background; aside from being a pure author, he was conservative, which added an interesting flair to the proceedings. Since I had a feeling that he might be somewhat religious, and how in previous year’s discussions, the Christian right has often had the finger pointed at as being a prime suspect behind censorship (and for good reason), I actually tried not go there, with mixed results.
Then it was the girl gamers panel. Originally I wasn’t going do it, but when MK was placed on it, she asked if I’d join her and I said yes, though somewhat reluctantly (entirely due to my past experiences with the topic). But when it was clear that she couldn’t talk, then I knew that I absolutely had to speak, at least to cover for her. That btw was by far the worst part of the show: MK getting sick. It really sucks that she always seems to get ill at cons, and needless to say, no one is more disappointed or irritated more by such shitty timing and luck than MK. Anyway, it went pretty well, primarily because I wasn’t accused of being some misogynistic fuck by the audience like a couple of years ago, even when I tried defending women’s honor (actually, someone kinda did this time around as well, but not to a large degree). I even got to explain why game makers continue to be so ignorant of the opposite sex via my recent experiences from working on a game aimed at women.
Afterwards was the indie game development panel. The highlight there was asking Greg Costikyan in front of everyone if he knew that his company was slated to publish the game that I had been developing myself, and then Dave asked if it was the sequel to JizzMoppa, which it wasn’t. But Greg surprised me by saying that Manifesto does deal with adult titles! So folks, JizzMoppa 2 might be coming out sooner than you think!
- By six it was show time. As ridiculous as it sounds, I had been growing more and more nervous as the time approached, and apex was around 5:30-ish, when I was at Dave’s one hour lecture on adventure games. MK, who had just been to the bathroom, which was across the space I would be speaking at, told me that there was already a sizable amount of people that had been waiting there for my one man thing, and even heard people saying that they simply could not afford to miss it.
I spoke at one of the lecture halls, like the year prior. Since I managed to pack the house in previously, I tried to make sure I had the same sized room this time around. When it looked as I might not, I felt like a real egotistical tool when asking for more space. Thankfully it was totally justified; the hall was totally packed, with over a hundred plus. It was totally standing room only!
Again, I was super nervous going in, not because I would be talking in front of a large audience. That I expected and am kinda used to. But because I was going to try to piss everyone off. Again, that was part of the plan, but still… Once more, the topic was the ten worst games ever. This was inspired by my previous topic, the ten best, from the Q&A portion at the end, when folks asked if I thought their fave game was good or not, and all the vitriol I got when I shot popular games down. Instead of just going over what was widely acknowledged as the worst games of all time, I decided to do things a bit different, simply because there are already tons of ten worst lists, and most of them have the same exact games. My plan would be to go after popular games that I thought were genuinely bad, and also question why they are so beloved, even go after the fans in the process, since after-all, I kinda have a penchant for goofing on people. Leading up to the event, I began asking on NeoGAF and SelectButton what other people thought was their worst games, and when they found out where I was coming from, at least one person at SB basically said “So you’re trolling a con? Gee, you’re a big man.” And that made me feel kinda shitty and laid the first seeds of doubt. MK thought it would be hilarious to see a Final Fantasy cosplayer get pissed off at me, since that was one group I was going to target, and try to beat me up. But all of a sudden I was afraid that I would seriously upset the person.
Thankfully, my assumption was correct, and that is most nerds do have a good sense of humor about themselves. The whole thing went off fantastically. I really hate to brag, but if I don’t say so myself, I felt like a real rock star (well, Dave did note that I appeared to be one on-stage, afterwards). The crowd reaction was simply incredible. Everyone cheered when I hoped they would (and then some), and booed when I wanted, though not as strongly as I was anticipated, but that was because everyone more or less agreed with my points and knew where I was coming from. One definite highlight was the look of shock on Dave’s face, and MK who was giggling throughout the entire hour. At one point she had to go to the bathroom and told me afterwards of the roar from my choice for number eight, and she was like fifty yards away! Sorry if I seem like I’m bragging, but I’m still kinda high from it all, plus after the pretty much shit year I’ve been having thus far, I really needed the ego boost from this past weekend.
As for the list itself… for those who couldn’t be there….
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10. Donkey Kong Country: Lame level designs, relies on nothing more than rote memorization with EXACT timing, and the wonky controls sure as hell don’t help, shitty character designs, also the first true collect-a-thon, as well as mine-carts, mine-carts, mine-carts!
9. Shenmue: First real virtual world where you do anything and everything, and like real life, its boring as fuck. The QTE events, which features all the exciting action in the game is severely restricted, and best part of all, the gameplay is totally ripped off from Dragon’s Lair. Plus the lead character is so uncharismatic and boring. Also a total asshole.
8. Madden: Was a great game, at least back in 1995, that keeps getting minor updates, but EA keeps charging more and more, and people keep paying the price. Developers have gone on record by saying that they hold back features and improvements for next year’s addition.
7. Grand Theft Auto 3/Vice City/San Andreas: Vastly overrated. For something that people cites as an example of games “maturing”, is incredibly immature. Riddled with lousy controls, crappy gameplay (made wandering around aimlessly in video games acceptable), full of pointless sex and violence, also racist. In the case of Vice City, proves that you can add 80′s to anything and retards will pay for it. And the removal of sex in San Andreas proves that Rockstar is all lip service.
6. Rise of the Robots: Was to be the step in fighting games, but for all the money and technology behind it, you can’t even turn around. Horrible, broken gameplay, which appeared on 11 different systems!
Honorable Mention – Tattooed Assasins: Laughably bad Mortal Kombat clone that was created by a co-writers of Back To The Future. Features a fatality where you turn a bad guy into a hot dog.
5. World of Warcraft: Basically, I play video games to avoid assholes in real life, so the last thing I want is to play with them. Among many other faults, the social aspect is broken: you are “free” to do anything, but to get anywhere, you have to play by the rules or you are ostracized by the masses. Its like Communism: the video game.
4. Sonic Adventure 2: A prime example of a series jumping the shark. Features the worst story ever in a video game, including an evil hedgehog that is supposed to be the cure to AIDS. Also one of the worst cameras ever. Brilliant idea #432: take Tails, the character who can fly, and saddle him in a clunky, practically immobile robot suit. Aside from introducing the world to Shadow, there’s also Rouge, the sexy bat. But worst of all, all been embraced by furries (some of the examples of bad Sonic-inspired furry art got perhaps the strongest reaction).
3. Harvester: Basically, the worst, most insane, game that no one has ever heard of. For those who haven’t read up on it yet, simply go here.
2. Link: The Faces of Evil: One of the shitty non-Nintendo produced Legend of Zelda games for the Phillips CD-i. I know that they get mentioned a lot in other top ten lists, at least the one featuring Zelda as a playable character, but its so bad that I couldn’t ignore it, plus I actually played Faces of Evil back in the day.
Honorable Mention – Legend of Zelda – The Wind Waker: Not because its not the Zelda that everyone wanted from SpaceWorld 2000, and not because of the cel-shading, which I absolutely loved, but because of the horrific Triforce gather segment that almost single-handedly destroyed a legacy.
Runner’s Up To #1….
a) Big Rigs: Shitty PC driving game from Russia featuring trucks racing each other and escaping cops, except none of the other vehicles move, there are no cops, and you drive through the air, through mountains, etc. Responsible for the “YOUR WINNER!” meme that’s been all across video game message boards across the web.
b) Superman 64: Again, another infamous game that’s too bad to ignore.
c) Disaffected: The worst premise for the a video game ever: you work at a Kinko’s. Cute premise, but ultimately, too cute for its own good, and more than a bit transparently pretentious.
As for THE worst game of all time… there’s actually two of them. A tie….
1a. Kingdom Hearts 2: Brilliant concept, abysmal execution. Retched combat, camera, cut-scenes. Represents everything that is wrong with jRPG, and a direct result of the lineage created by…
1b. Final Fantasy 7: Lowered the bar of every jRPG that came after it. Mindblowingly bad gameplay; just hit the buttons… the battles are secondary to the story, which is some inane Evangelion rip-off (alien crash lands in arctic, overuse and abuse of religion, character with mommy issues). Pioneered the emo-anime; the main character is not some cool, carefree, bad-ass loner, anti-hero, but just some big pussy who is all surly and neurotic, has delusions of grandeur but falls apart when its time to actually rise to the occasion. Also forced all RPGs afterwards to be 50+ hour borefests. Also inspired a mountain of shitty fan-art and cosplay.
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… Another highlight from the entire presentation was when some girl, dressed in Final Fantasy 8 cosplay, was so happy with my number one choice that she ran up to give me a hug.
The only minus was when I fucked up during my presentation and accidentally played a video clip for number 5 instead of 6, and there by revealing the secret. Otherwise, it went as smooth as silk and I totally had the audience in the palm of my hands, especially near the end (again, I hate to brag and all, but….). Everyone appeared to be very much entertained, and a few folks even wanted to shake my hands after-wards. My only other regret was that I didn’t arrange the panel to be videotaped, which various folks had been asking if it would be. I didn’t think it was an option, but found out afterwards that if I had simply asked, it would have been done! Another mistake: I forgot that I had some Unluckys with me, which I could have totally made some good money with. But yeah, in the end, I didn’t get beat up by angry cosplayers. Sorry to disappoint!
- Dave noted that I also appeared to be like some rock star when I entered the room to participate in the flamewar and troll and, as MK dubbed them, my “groupies” all gave me a nice warm greeting. Unfortunately, it wasn’t nearly as awesome as last year’s because we were all hoping that crazy ass Battlestar Gallactica guy dressed like Doctor Who would make a return appearance, and he was all we could talk about. I ended up sharing some drama from SB, and half-way through I could tell that a few folks in the back corner to the room knew exactly what I was talking about, even though I used aliases for the people involved, which wasn’t even their nicknames online. At least as of this afternoon, there was no thread bashing me for bashing the denizens. But given the ridiculousness of it all, one could hardly blame me from bringing such drama all up. After-all, its the internet, LOL.
Next was the “Why We Love Tentacles”. panel, from the hentai portion of the anime tract. MK, Jason, and myself all knew that for Dave to have the full I-CON experience, he would have to witness some hentai in a packed lecture hall, hence why it was marked as an absolute must-not-miss panel the second eyes was laid on it in the program book. And man… who would have ever thought an hour long talk on tentacles tipped with penis heads ravaging school girls could be so fucking boring? They got the two worst speaker, and with the lowest volumes, to address a crowd in the largest lecture hall on Stony Brook campus. It was a trainwreck from the very the very first second, when they asked everyone in the room that had gotten a seat during the end of the previous panel to go outside and form a line to check IDs (since it was supposed to be a strictly 18 and over affair), and not only did they fail to do that, but got some person who looked neither male or female, and that also looked around 13 to talk.
The other guy (it was clear that this second person was a guy) did most of the speaking and tried asking serious questions, which most people could not hear, and those who could, such as my little entourage, were throughly bored by. All we could do was yell stupid shit out; at one point I just made up dumb subjects and scenarios for fan-fiction, mostly involving Harry Potter and They Might Be Giants, and this one girl next to me thought I was talking about real stuff the whole time. There was this one other dude, a tall skinny guy with long hair who was a big fan of the stuff I spoke about in various late Saturday night panels from last year, who kept asking the “hentai expert” stupid question after stupid question, just to fuck with him, and he clearly didn’t get it. And even that kinda got boring after-all awhile. At one point, myself and others were asked just to run down there and save the whole thing, but I just couldn’t stop staring at this dork who was literally dying in-front of everyone. Plus it was assumed that some visual aide would eventually manifest itself, such as clips from assorted hentais, but that never materialized. All we got was the dorks’s piss-poor rendering of a tentacle, which looked more like a duck than anything else.
Afterwards was the “More Joy Than Just The Stick”, aka, the erotism in gaming panel. It was originally slated for 11pm, but we all decided to move it back an hour to attend the tentacle panel. Which ended up being so bad that it knocked the wind out of us, plus it had been a long day for many of us, so talking at midnight was perhaps not the brightest idea. Yet the room was packed! A far cry from a few years ago when just one creepy looking dude dressed up as Sailor Moon showed up. Last year’s was a bit better, about half the room was filled. All I really talked about was JizzMoppa. This time around we were all over the map… at one point I asked everyone what game character they would have sex with if given the chance. I answered my own question with Daisy, from the Mario-verse. For some reason, I totally blanked and forgot all about Claire Redfield, Heather from Silent Hill 3, and all the Soul Calibur chicks. Jason’s was by far the best: Ms. Pac Man. At one point, we were so out of ideas that fellow panelist Jason Dow called Dave Quigley, the guy behind all the e-gaming programming at I-CON in the middle of the panel to ask if I could finally have a championship belt. Last year I wanted one for talking so much in a single weekend. This time, I wanted one for saying the words “tentacle” and “rape” the most in a single weekend.
- The next day was like all Sundays: relatively laid back. Since Saturday night is usually filled with hijinks, everyone is all tired the morning after, as if recovering from a hang-over. I just spoke at two topics: video games as art, which went over far better than expected, at least from last year, since head trauma guy was absent, and journalism in video games, which also went far better than I thought simply because it was just myself and some other person who couldn’t make it, so the previous discussion spilled over an extra forty minutes, so I only had to talk about journalism for the rest of the time, and I only did that because I got the feeling one girl in the back was interested in the subject matter.
For better or worse, no Sunday will ever top a few year’s past, when I had to share a panel with Lochane, the cyber vampire pirate.
- I guess that’s it… I did take a few pictures, but since I used MK’s camera, I will have to wait for her to pass them along. Not sure when that might be, since she’s now sick at home, but once I get them, you’ll all see them. Though there aren’t too many… I know lots of folks dug all the cosplay pics from Otakon, and while there was definitely some of those types at I-CON, its a slightly different crowd. A few folks I wanted to take pictures of, but they were entirely too nervous looking to be approachable, like this guy dressed as Space Ghost that was all jittery. As well as the really fat guy wearing a Superman shirt with a stuffed Cthulhu on his head, and also sporting a platypus hand-puppet, but in his case, I just figured taking a picture would be too mean, though if you check out Dave’s blog, he did manage to ask and take one! And then there was this really cute girl who had this awesome Claire Redfield outfit on, but I just hate asking 15 year old boys to get lost while I take pictures of their 16 year old girlfriends. Though worst of all was the picture I tried taking but failed at due to camera difficulties: there was this one booth at the dealer room that sold all types of replica weapons from movies, and a guy dressed as Han Solo was just standing there, looking at the blasters from Empire Strikes Back and Jedi. I’m still SO pissed I missed that!
At least I got shots of Optimus Prime dancing off against a penguin. So stay tuned….
