05/05/2007

“I just want it to be over.” II

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

NOTE: For those who don’t remember the first “I just want it to be over”, it can be found here.

So I really haven’t properly explained how my attempts at getting a passport for Japan later this month has been nothing but at fucking ridiculously complicated, needlessly drawn out, and downright hellish experience. Well, maybe now’s the time, since I’m beyond furious at this point.

I seriously thought the most absurd moment was this past Tuesday, while waiting in line to get my application approved; I had finally accumulated the necessary amount of “supplemental identification” to initiate the process. Lord know it took eleven, again ELEVEN, prior trips to various post offices to find out, time and time again, that I didn’t have the right this or enough that. I’ll get into what exactly constitutes supplemental identification in a second… but yeah, I really thought the absolute apex of retardedness was when I found myself in line behind two other person getting passports as well, both of whom were literally screaming. Why? The most important question is how old they were. One was maybe 1, probably less, and the other couldn’t have been older than 2. So apparently, even infants pose a possible security risk, hence why they need fucking papers too.

But I was wrong. Want to know what the very moment of it all has been? When I received and email yesterday stating that my application was on-hold due to another missing piece of identification… my baptism record. And no, I’m not even joking.

On Tuesday I sent out literally 23 different forms of “supplemental identification” and it STILL wasn’t enough. Mind you, it was never 23… originally it was far less, like 5. But each step of the way, with every visit to the post office and every person I spoke to, either in person or on the phone, that number continued to grow and grow and grow. In the end, I apparently needed 24, and making things even worse is how I have no record of baptism, which meant yet another day.. all day yesterday, and even some of last night… spent on the phone with various parties, or exchanging emails, which has been the case for weeks now. BTW, if you’re reading this and I owe you an article or story or an email, and you want to know what the fuck is the hold-up, I sincerely apologize, but THIS is the hold-up. And yeah, me bitching and moaning is wasting time and energy that could be spent towards said backlog of stuff that needs to be done, but I think I’m entitled to bitch here.

Anyway, what are some of the other 23 forms of “supplemental identification” that I supplied along previously? Well, copies of…

- my state ID card
- employee ID card
- my teaching card from SVA
- my old student card from SVA
- my business card
- my social security card
- a bank statement
- a paycheck stub
- a W-2
- my bank card
- my credit card
- a bill
- my high school transcript
- my college diploma
- my high school year book photo
- my college year book photo
- a print out of my interview from MTV
- my publicity info from the ICON website
- a spread from the ICON handbook

… along with a few other things that escape might right now, but it’s late and I’m pretty exhausted, YET I’M STILL ANGRY. So, why the fuck do I need all this shit? That’s the best part; because I don’t have a valid driver’s license. Apparently, if you can drive in this stupid country, you don’t have to fucking show or prove anything else. And not to go on some political rant, but I guess it shouldn’t be surprised in this day and age, with the administration that’s running the country, who are the ones who keep adding stupid rule after stupid rule, that one’s worthiness as an American is based upon the ability to burn fossil fuels. The baptism part makes the least amount of sense since, seriously, why is it theirs or anyone else’s fucking business, but again, if you think about it, it does fit into the overall picture. I also had other options for supplemental I.D. like insurance card, but since I’m freelance (well was till I got my new job, but medical doesn’t kick in for a bit), I don’t have one. Again, if you don’t have proof of wealth and security, I guess you’re just not good enough.

In the end, I basically said “Seriously, what fucking business is it of yours?” and instead had to fill out even more paperwork, which meant submitting info on practically everyone I’ve worked for, and lived with, and all that shit. It doesn’t help that folks who don’t like me, and maybe kinda hates me. once more has my future in their hands. Earlier this evening, when explaining to MK my predicament, she exclaimed “Its so hard to be you!!!” which actually kinda made me feel better, cuz it is kinda funny.

Also in the end, my passport is going to cost me close to $600. And that’s because I went with a passport expeditor and they have all these crazy fees, who have guaranteed me that I will get it in time, though I’m still pretty nervous about them actually pulling through. Many have asked why I just didn’t get it out of way back when I first knew about the trip. Well, to that, all I can say is I was going earlier this year, but, I lost my job and tons of other shit went down. And even then, I had heard that if I just paid extra, I could get it rushed. Course, I would later discover that instead of two weeks, the waiting period had ballooned to four, due to all the crazy new laws, and despite having time on my side to even allow for that, it all got pissed away from the idiotic paper trail I was on.

Ultimately, I’m still pissed that I, or anyone else for that matter, has to pay for the right to leave the country in the first place. What utter horseshit.

AND… less than a week into owning it, my iPod Nano is already fucked up. This morning had started just stellar; I woke up early so I could leave and get to work early to prep for a meeting and tackle the copious amount of work waiting for me, but I ended up leaving late due to… you guessed it… filling out paperwork for the passport agency to be faxed later. So while rushing to the subway station, I figured that at least I could blow off some steam by listening to some Ministry, but the iPod froze while cycling through playlists and there was nothing I could do. It was totally jammed, not even resetting worked. So I had to endure a hellish commute extra pissed this morning; you wouldn’t believe how hard I had to fight the urge to just snap the Nano like a fucking twig. But yeah… good work Apple! Though ultimately, I’m the idiot for giving them even more money in the first place.

At least the rest of today was much better. Swell even! The new job is going great btw. Though I had to pass on interviewing Steve Weibe since I had so much on my plate, but I’ll probably get another chance once King of Kong goes nationwide later this summer. Was going to see Spider Man 3 this weekend with Dave, but we’re both so busy (I had to take of some IGDA business earlier tonight), it’ll just have to wait till Monday. But at least I got to catch this terrific vid of David Hasselhoff drunk.

  • Jason

    You have every right to leave this country. Having a passport, of course, comes down to being admitted into a foreign country.

    I wonder though, if Japan would simply allow you within their borders if you simply arrived at their shores happenstance. Just wander in y’know. Not unlike the millions who have done so here in America. :)

    It’s not curious that by going through a third party to obtain a passport that you are required to provide much more proof of identity. The privilege of acting on behalf of a government agency demands the passport intermediaries must cover any liability.

  • https://www.fort90.com Matt

    I see your point, but there’s a certain point when enough is enough. I would like to think that, at the very most, half the number of stuff they needed would have been acceptable.

    From what I was explained by the agency I went with, the US government has a list of 40+ “things” that count as secondary identification. One big problem was how each agency I spoke with wanted different things from the list. I guess I should be happy that I found one that acknowledged the whole thing; there was a few I tried to go with but couldn’t because they only wanted 10 things from the list, and I only had a few from that ten.

    And that’s the thing: if the government thinks that 40 certain things are okay for identification, they why not have that apply everywhere? If I could have just present all that stuff to the post office on day one, I might have been spared half the bullshit I ended up going through. Instead, half the crap that I presented to the authorizing agent at the post office was rejected, so I had to explain “yes, its totally valid” and even the agency has info on their website stating “the agent needs to accept such and such; if he or she doesn’t understand, please refer to handbook X, article Y, on page Z, which they should have handy, or have them call us”.

    Yet another thing I didn’t talk about was the need for a flight itnerary, which makes ZERO sense… who the fuck is going to buy tickets for a flight to another country if they don’t have a passport so they know they can go? That again needlessly dragged things out.

    Also, I’m still super pissed how I went through all this trouble to get a birth certificate for the process, and when I finally had it and presented it, I would find out it was the wrong kind. Yeah, so everyone needs a state issue birth certification, and not the one from the hospital (which is also certified by the state, but I guess that doesn’t matter). Again, the whole concept of a birth certificate is just ridiculous.

    I guess in the end, one of the things I’m still most pissed about is how much of my problems would have been solved if I had a driver’s license. I guess I’m either not as trustworthy, or simply not that great an American because I can’t drive.

    As for Japan letting me in without a passport, why not? Fuck, I love the animu!

  • phooky

    See, what you don’t know is that somewhere in their files, the Department of Homeland Security has seven ounces of my semen. That’s how they roll nowadays.

    Thanks for the Funky Forest track. Listening to it brings everything that was awesome about that film into sharp focus. Time to get some wood from the park and add some knobs.

  • http://dhex.wordpress.com dhex

    dude.

    cowon.

    fuck apple.

  • http://www.dmauro.com dmauro

    What if you just told them you were never baptised…?

  • https://www.fort90.com Matt

    I did! And for some reason they had an issue with it. For some stupid fucking reason, they absolutely had to have some record of a baptism, and when I told that ultimately it was none of their business, they decided to offer a “compromise” and had me submit a super extensive background check. I was so furious that I almost wanted to walk away and deal with another company, but given how time was already not on my side, I really couldn’t do anything.

    Each passport expediter has their own criteria that needs to be met, and it so happens that for whatever reason, proof of baptism was very important. Its total bullshit, and wrong on so many levels, but considering that I didn’t have enough supplemental identification to match the criteria for all the others I wanted to deal with, I had to play along.

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