So I sorta feel like bad for not going to that Ubi Soft thing last night, for no other reason than that I’m the type of person that loves to be where the “action” is. But these days, I just don’t have the drive or energy that I once had. God I feel so old as of late.
But there’s something else, a real reason why I feel so apathetic these days…. not sure if I’ve already addressed this directly or not (I tried searching past entries, though as some of you might already know, the search function on this sites bites) but I’m actually quite frustrated with video games at the professional (and local) level at this point. Much of this has to do with the fact that Spready Bear is, more or less, dead in the water.
I won’t go into specifics, but I will state that it’s pretty much the icing on the cake on a particularly difficult year in terms of working in the game-space. Plus its yet another reminder of how much more I would love to be doing, but can’t, simply because of present location which severely limits my access to vital resources.
And not just in terms of making games, but writing about it, and even teaching the subject as well. There is a gaming scene here in New York City, but its small… too small. I have managed to carve myself a very comfortable niche, yet its just enough, and my inability to take things further is driving me absolutely fucking nuts.
This frustration, as well as my inability to effectively deal with it, has left me not only severely disenfranchised, but has seemingly placed mental blocks, which in turn leads to apathy, which in the end makes everything a thousand times worse. I recently had a client who has asked for a game that I basically blew off because I just didn’t have all together mentally. And what makes it worse is that I personally know quite a few folks who would kill to be in my position. And here I am now, at a point I’ve been working hard to be at, squandering it all away…
A growing part of me just wants to go “fuck it” and walk away, but I’ve invest far too much to just give it all up. And while I’m quite adept at starting from scratch, I’m just feeling…. you know…. too old to start over. I suppose its one reason why I want to return to drawing and making comics, but I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to “catch up” to my peers, one’s who’ve been consistently drawing since college, and have gone quite far in their respective fields because of it. Plus anyone who’s a fan of anything that also happens to have a creative bone in their body, there’s just this desire to make something, to contribute to the pile so to speak, that one simply cannot ignore, even if one wants to (which is another reason why I’m returning to comics).
And then again, as Jason has stated in the past, I too want to be just a fan again.
I think I might have to take MK’s advice and give myself a break from the creative end for a while, aside from fulfilling my teaching commitments. As for the journalism side… well I’m ready to throw in the towel on that end as well, but without the residual guilt, unless I get something more regular. Some might be content writing for free or don’t particularly mind the freelance cat and mouse games when applied here, but as stated before, I find no glamour in the game journalist’s lifestyle, and… wait for it… I’m too old for that shit anyhow.
It also doesn’t help that the whole field, as I’ve mentioned numerous times before, is a total clusterfuck. I’m getting tired of getting laugh at, sometimes literally, for stating that I’m a video game journalist. Case in point: remember that spazzy nerd girl I mentioned that Robin & I met at the chiptune show two weeks ago? When I told her I was a game journalists, she thought it was funny.
Though a good reason why I might want to get away from writing about games is that I don’t want to end up one of those assholes that write about games because they failed as a game designer. I don’t think I’m at either at those points… yet. I just hope I get that book that the book about Sega which I want to write is done when all is said and done.
Okay, enough bitching and moaning… its not like I have that much to complain about. Aside from the apparent trivialness of it all (which I don’t think is the case, but I can certainly see why others might feel as such), one of my long awaited freelance checks finally arrived this week, plus I’m finally getting an assitant (of sorts) at SVA. But hey, it felt good to complain, and that’s what the internt is for, right?
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Real quick…
- The Montreal International Game Summit recently took place. From what I’ve heard, it was quite the event, though Warren Spector’s keynote seems to be getting the most attention, I guess mostly due to his anti-Rockstar sentiments.
And I can’t help but agree to a large extent. For the longest time I’ve been calling Grand Theft Auto a “coffee-table game” in which people only play for a few short bursts, when friends are over, just so they can go “You can shoot cops and bang hookers?! Video games sure are crazy these days!” I know I’m somewhat unfairly characterizing the game and not proper acknowledging its breakthrough advances in sandbox gameplay, though I have to roll my eyes when someone whips out the social commentary spiel.
But here’s something which someone said at the GAF which really puts a new, far more accurte, spin on the social commentary angle, one which I have to agree with:
“GTA is an absolute pitch perfect exaggeration of modern America; anyone who thinks otherwise is either wearing blinders or are completely oblivious to the nonsensical violence and hatred that drives, not only the US, but much of the Western world. One can play through hours of GTA without killing a single person, and still have a ton of fun. Yet most do not. This is the reality of our world.
And what better game than GTA to display the significance of freedom of choice; there are literally hundreds of other games out there that cater to a multitude of varying tastes. A large amount of people choose to play GTA because our culture loves violence. Plain and simple.”
- So Mother 3 (Earthbound 2) is more or less on its way. Again.
I just wanted to state that, as much shit I give 1UP for its overuse (and abuse) of bloging, their 1UP Show is really, really good. Its really everything G4 should be.
- So the Famicom Game Boy Micro is coming to the US? Weird…
- And the Colecovision is coming back with a new version of the classic console? WTF…
- Finally comes the official word that Bumpy Trot (now Steambot) is coming stateside. Hooray!
- Earlier this week Insert Credit brought attention to Cloud Game and I finally got the chance to check it out. All one does is fly around and collect clouds, but its more than just that. The game has this overwhelming sense of calm and peacefulnees. .. its pretty amazing. If you have a PC, its well worth the try.
EDIT: For those who don’t know, I have a LiveJournal mirror, so to find out more about Spready Bear, just go here.
