At the Cryptic Press/Yaytime! Forum, the “other Raina”… Raina Telgemeier… asked everyone to share their worst middle school experiences (whereas Raina?s is chronicled via her web comic Smile), which I was more than happy to do, and figured I?d pass them along here.
But here?s the thing? unlike most people, I actually enjoyed middle school. Granted, I was perhaps the biggest nerd in my grade and most jocks thought I was a wimp (well, I was), plus most girls ignored me (though I was too shy at the time to notice). But being the resident artist gave me some cool points, and for the most part, I was able to disarm any insults or putdowns with some witticisms, which eventually garnered me some respect in most circles.
Also, I was far too entrenched in comics, video games, movies, and television to really care about the world; at this point, it was the golden age of TV for me… Twin Peaks, Liquid Television, Ren & Stimpy, the original Ben Stiller Show, TMNT, and the Idiot Box, to name just a few, were still on the air. Videos on MTV were still good at this point. Letterman was at this top form on Late Night. SNL had the awesome classic late 80?s/early 90?s cast. Plus HA! the first comedy network had just premiered, which meant nothing but classic Eddie Murphy SNLs on for 24/7. I used to repeat his ?Buckwheat Sings? routine over and over again for friends.
My junior high was also really weird, though it really couldn?t help itself. I grew up in the town of Lakewood, which was a small suburb of Tacoma, Washington (and has since become it?s own city). I lived in the Steilacoom part of Lakewood, which is most noteworthy for Western State, a mental ward. Western State was always just a few miles away, and it?s patients, at least the docile ones that they let roam the streets in the afternoon, were everywhere. But there were some really crazy, and sometimes dangerous folks as well, and they?d sometimes escape. So needless to say, always being just a few miles from the state mental hospital certainly set the tone for my entire childhood.
Also, I somehow managed to avoid taking many classes and instead worked as a student assistant at the front office and library, which meant virtually no homework for years straight.
Anyway, in no particular order, here are ten of my favorite memories…
1. In gym class, me and my friends John and Doug would always “forget our gym clothes”, which meant we had to sit and not be able to participate for the day. So while everyone was embarrassing themselves while playing dodgeball, my friends and I simply read Calvin and Hobbes and talked about SCTV.
2. The time Andy, the Boy Scout with a major chip on his shoulder got pissed and started yelling at me for not calling him by his self-appointed nickname, Pee-Wee.
3. Again in gym class, the times when both aerobics tapes (Sweatin’ to the Oldies and Jane Fonda workout… Thursday was aerobic day and it was so lame) somehow got Batman taped over them.
4. Once I was working in the library and these two other girls I was also working with were talking about the previous night’s Beverly Hills 90210, in which a major character killed himself. I guess I didn’t hear the part when one said to the other “Don’t tell me who it is, I taped it last night but didn’t see it” or something to the effect and simply blurted out the person’s identity (I never watched the show except that one night… guess nothing else was on) and one girl started crying and locked herself in the periodicals room for almost an hour.
5. In home economics class, I was giving advice on how to beat Metroid (I was always known as the kid who knew how to beat any video game) and the person I was talking to was so distracted, he put a whole stack of towels on an open stove and a fire ensued.
6. Also in home ec. my teacher always brought her 3 year old daughter into class, and how she would always get inside an oven.
7. The time we all figured out who the stinky kid in our school was, once those shirts that changed colors with sweat became the rage.
8. Another gym class memory: that friend John was such a druggie, he would drink half a bottle of NyQuil every time we had to run a mile.
9. Playing basketball with the cafeteria workers while on break from my office assistant duties. Plus they always gave me all the tater tots I ever wanted. Occasionally my friend Tim and the custodial staff, whom Tim was a student assistant for, would join in a game or two.
10. And finally the time, again as an office assistant, I had to call the police to inform them that a mental hospital patient was on the roof of the junior and heating the hell out of the Doppler Weather satellite. When they got him down, his hands were all bloody and raw.
? Oh! And I can?t forget Curtis, the gooney kid who was 6 foot 5, had a full moustache while most of us was just starting puberty, was developmentally slow, wore the same zipped up gray sports jacket, always carried a pencil in his hand (but no books), and was always angrily muttering underneath is breath (?? Hmrph?Stupid fuckin? homework,? Math is stupid? Hmrph??). Well one guy who was constantly giving me shit (which no one dared to do, since Curtis looked like he could kick anybody?s ass) stole his pencil, so Curtis reacted by grabbing him by the neck, throwing him against the lockers, taking his pencil back, and stabbing the kids in the shoulder.
And also, there was lovable Mr. Ling, who didn?t speak English very well and muttered some classic lines, but his ?Why don?t you go outside and rub against the bushes!? will always live forever (trust me, you had to be there). Poor guy? tired so hard to warm up to us, but his decision to show up the first day of class in his old K-Mart uniform was a very bad move.
Then there?s Mrs. Hooker and her big fucking metal spoon which she used to hit students in the hands with if they disobeyed. Plus she had this big stupid poster of Neil Diamond in her classroom, you could bribe her and get your grade raised if you got her chocolate, and how she once told me after doing poorly in a written exam, ?You will never be a good writer. Never.?
Plus there?s? so much more really. And believe it or not, high school was actually stranger.
