So staying on the topic of shitty films, the first details regarding Jurassic Park 4 has just been revealed, and man…. are they ever fucking insane. In a nutshell…
It all starts with some kids and their parents get attacked by dinosaurs at a little league game. It’s revealed that this the first such attack in America, following similar instances south of the border, so a task force is created by the UN to deal with the situation. Thus we meet the hero of the film (not sure if he’s head of the task force or is the task force), some hard lucked mercenary who’s in charge with finding the solution. It isn’t long till he finds the man who created Jurassic Park (you know… Richard Attenborough’s character?) who wants to offer some help.
He reveals that his crew of scientists want to develop a new breed of dinosaurs to eradicate the ones that are in the wild and causing damage. Problem is, he’s in a ton of trouble for letting the first batch get loose (from part 1) and the UN has banned all dino breeding, as well as all activities related to it, like getting the necessary DNA to work with. So this guy is asked to go to Jurassic Park and get some genetic material… remember that shaving cream can which housed some amber that Newman stole? About fucking time they addressed that plot point.
So the guy goes to the island, and is not only attacked by dinosaurs, but the Swiss. They kidnap and take him to a medieval castle in the Alps, which is their HQ. It revealed that a Swiss company now owns and runs Jurassic Park and they’re developing their own breed of super dinosaurs. Not only are these new dinos super strong, super fast, and have super senses, but they have a bit of dog DNA in them so they can be obey their human masters, and even human DNA so they can be smarter than the average dinosaur. Plus they have human like hands and fingers, and even wear body armor, all to help them kill bad guys and save children. Don’t forget their names: Achilles, Hector, Perseus, Orestes, and Spartacus.
Gee… sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
Anyhow, Spielberg is apparently behind the project 100%, and has even been quoted as saying he wanted the “mother of all ideas for this sequel”. The genius behind the story if Spielberg himself, who then handed it off to Bill Monahan, who’s an up and coming script writer. Then his first draft was handed off to… get this… John Sayles (?!?!), which is actually not all that weird since he used to be well regarded for his script doctoring skills, plus used to do exploitation flicks (my personal favorite has to be Piranha).
Bare in mind, all this information is from Ain’t It Cool News, which I personally hate. Well not so much the site, but the goon behind it (look up the term “blithering, idiot fan-boy” in the dictionary, and you’ll see a pic of Harry Knowles). But despite my views towards his opinions, he track record for reporting the facts is fairly decent. So with that in mind…
… If any of this is true, then all I can say is this film will either be the one that causes God to step and completely obliterate Hollywood or be the film that makes God come down and give Spielberg for creating the greatest film on earth.
And despite my personal feelings towards him (don’t get me started on Saving Private Ryan or A.I.) but since the fate of the live-action Transformers film rests on his shoulders, I pray that God give him the insight to make it good.
Oh, and speaking of robots fighting robots, there was a robot fighting contest that took place in Japan recently. I’ve been trying like crazy to find videos of the event, but had no such luck. That was until a coworker passed along this article which has a couple. So folks… the future is officially now, and it’s just a matter or time when we’ll all be bowing down to our robot slave masters. Time suck up to your iPods and DVD players now.
