11/19/2007

To Win The Game, You Need A Nice, Juicy Ass

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

Another week, another update!

The Haunted Samurai

Last Wednesday, Hilary and I caught the North American premier of the Haunted Samurai, a comedy that takes place during the very end of the Edo period during Japan?s history.

The tale centers on a lowly, hard-luck samurai, Hikoshiro, who isn?t doing much of anything. At one point he was part of a regal household via marriage, but got kicked out, which also separated him from his wife and child. It also meant he had to move in with his poor mother, plus his somewhat good for nothing lazy brother and his wife. Early on in the film, he runs into an old colleague of his that?s doing very well and hears that he found good fortune by praying to gods at a particular shrine. Then, after a night of boozing it up, Hikoshiro stumbles across a shrine which he believes to be the one that his buddy got his good luck from and attempts to see if any will rub off him. Unfortunately, it wasn?t, and instead brings on three nasty gods, of poverty, pestilence, and death. So we then follow Hikoshiro?s attempts to outwit the unwanted gods; poverty is a friendly, kinda wimpy god just trying to do his thing, pestilence is a burly sumo wrestler type that is all business and who also picks his nose, while death is… a surprise I guess, so I?ll just leave it at that. Best part is how pestilence makes a dude cough up blood. Lots of it. It was awesome. And aside from the ghosts, we also follow Hikoshiro?s attempts to deal with the chaotic times he lives in, as well as reconcile with not only his estranged family but his family name, the only thing of any value, and which he discovers the unfortunate truth.

It was quite excellent, and despite it being very Japanese (enough for there to be a primer on Japanese history and folklore beforehand), it was still quite accessible. And after seeing so many WACKY JAPPY films in recent months, it was nice to see a nice, laid-back, sweet, and bittersweet comedy. Plus it did an excellent job interweaving all the historical aspects, even though certain things did seem to just get lost in the shuffle. Also, the ending was kinda weird, but overall, two thumbs up (Hilary liked it as well).

A Table Has Been Reserved

The following Friday was filled with odds and ends…

- I finally put the money down for a table at MoCCA. It will be myself, Katie, and Hilary, aka THE TRIFECTA! Actually, we’re somewhat looking for a better name, but even though it’s kinda generic, I still like it by simple virtue of sounding like a Marvel super hero stable. Anyhow, we’re going to be on the seventh floor… which is both neat, and lame, I know. Hey, I’m just happy we got a table, period. The space was nice last time, but no one really knew about it. Hopefully, the folks at MoCCA will do a better job of letting attendees know about it at the next art fest.

- Also got a haircut that afternoon, an the only reason I mention this is because the woman who cuts my hair, whom I’ve been to for years, told me how her ex-coworker, at the old place which she used to work, used to sell pot in the back. The dude always seemed like a weirdo to me… that creepy uncle type in sleepy suburban neighborhoods, the ones that dress like Mister Rogers and gives out the best candy during Halloween, and is actually, you know, a child rapist. Anyhow, now I kinda wish I chatting with the guy more when I had the chance. Still glad I never let him touch my hair…

- Found from a friend that this girl I know, who is a total psycho, and the reason why I?m no longer close friends with her boyfriend, has had a total of eight abortions. Yeah… holy fucking shit. I?m pro-choice all the way, but seriously, that?s fucking insane.

-Scott Pilgrim #4 came out last week and I got my copy. And immediately afterwards, I realized that I still haven?t read my copy of #3, which is buried in cardboard box #27 in my living room. Every time Jason comes over, he is still amazed that I was able to pack so much shit into one tiny Brooklyn bedroom for so long

Also discovered that the trip to my place in Washington Heights to Rocketship in Carol Gardens is not that bad at all, thanks once again to the wonderful A train (at least in comparison to the suck ass R train, which I don?t miss one fucking bit).

- Had dinner with Mike, Liz, and Joe (Salina). Everyone was beat tired, so even though no booze was involved, most of felt loopy, as if we were boozed up. Also, Mike, who knows a lot about toilets, gave me a crash coarse on how they operate, since the one I have at home is always running. Oh, and he was nice enough to pass along his Airport Extreme base station, which was giving him nothing but trouble. Thus far, it?s been smooth sailing, but I’m somewhat expecting it to crap out at any second…

Girls On Wheels

Saturday morning was a trip to Ikea to get much needed furniture. I really shouldn?t have spent the money I did, but I?m just getting really tired of living out of a suitcase and going through one box after another to find stuff. But after hauling heavy boxes up four flights of stairs, I just didn?t have the energy to put them together (they?re still all untouched).

And later that evening was the Gotham Girls Roller Derby Champonship match, which I caught with Hilary and Joe (Simko)

It was between the Queens of Pain and the Bronx Gridlock. This was the Bronx’s inaugural season, and completely undefeated one as well. Meanwhile, the Queens team is headed by Suzy Hotrod, whom I?m kinda friends with, so of course, I had to root for them (as did Joe, plus Hilary, who actually lives in Queens).

Gotta say… lots of hot chicks there that night, though the one I was totally smitten by was the sole female referee, Lady Refstrike. There were also loads of parents there. It was funny to think that all these sexy, hardcore chicks on wheels brought out all their rather square moms and dads for the night, but most were very supportive. In some cases too supportive; with so much momentum behind them, it was somewhat of a Bronx crowd, and we sat behind a large cluster of them, which was fine when it was just old people, but then these two jack-ass jock types showed up and got in our faces to say, “Just so you know, we’re going to be VERY obnoxious.” Hey, at least they gave us a head?s up. When I asked him to clarify, he explained on the level of Philly Eagles fans, as if I knew shit about sports (I guess they’re annoying, right?). But that was enough for us to slide down a bunch of seats and create some distance. And obnoxious they were; the thing was, all the folks rooting for Bronx? sure as hell didn?t look as if they lived in the Bronx. More like Paramus, NJ. Which was yet another reason why I was hoping for a Queens victory.

The match itself was pretty fucking intense. Almost immediately the Bronx team showed why they were undefeated by flexing their rock-soild defense; whereas pretty much every single girl is some skinny white punk rock chick, Bronx had a thick black chick by the name Beyonslay, who was hard to get around, and who also knocked girls out of the way as if they were rag dolls have the time. Queens took a very early lead, but that lasted for about five minutes, then Bronx took a massive ten point plus lead in just on “jam” and their lead just became bigger, and bigger, and bigger. By the time they were forty plus ahead, it felt pretty much hopeless, which was totally depressing. It should be noted that Saturday night’s game was the first live sporting event I ever went to in which I actually really cared about who won or lost!

But Queens didn’t give up and tried their best to keep up. Though it was in great part due to Suzy’s exemplarily skills as lead jammer that kept them in the hunt. As for why Bronx was able to dominate, the reason was simple, at least according to Hilary: “The Queens girls have no asses!” Which was true; the Bronx girls had plumper posteriors, which they were able to use for defensive tactics. But then again, even though it was difficult to see Queens struggle, it was still fun watching a bunch of hot chicks skate around… especially when they were in battle. Plus, there was also that hot ref girl in the middle of the action, keeping score. Though not helping Queens was some really questionable calls. It took me a while to get the gist of the game, and I guess I understand how everything works, but I’m still confused my some of the calls that were made, all of which set the Queens girls behind time, and time again.

The half-time show was not the Manhattan Mayhem’s recreation of the Filipino prisons doing Thriller, since their outfits is the orange prison jumpsuits, as rumored, but sadly, that the case. Instead we got the Hungry March Band, who were pretty decent. Though I was mostly mesmerized by the cymbal player, who had hers attached via string; she would lay one on the ground, face up, and throw the other at it, and then it would come right back at right. Hilary mentioned that she had seen something similar, but it was a first for me. It reminded me of Rygar.

Going into the second half, the spread was either thirty points, and every-time Queens got some momentum, something happened, and the Bronx maintained their lead. But in the last couple of minutes, Suzy scored like, seriously, forty points in a single jam. It was fucking INSANE, as she gracefully darted and weaved and glided around the track, scoring point after point after point after point. The folks in the crowd who were there for Queens, and who had very little to get excited about, was all of a sudden hit with a bolt of energy. All a sudden, the game was ON. There was about a minute left in the game, and all of a sudden, the Queens of Pain were back in the contest, and only down by three! But… it was not meant to be, as the Bronx took the lead jammer position and cemented their place as the champion for this year. But at least it was an AWESOME game.

Near the end, there was so much shit going on, I simply couldn’t keep track of things, but I did in the corner of my eye notice how at one point, the hot lady ref bent over and lifted up her skirt, and showed her ass. Fuck! Plus she also had the cutest pair of socks (they were stripped, black & white, of course)… which I wanted to get for Katie, so after the end of game, as folks were exiting, and other hung out to chit chat, I approached Lady Refstrike to ask where she got them. American Apparel was the answer. Then I mentioned how I thought I had seen her show her underwear, and how I thought it had matched the socks but couldn’t be sure since I had only caught a glance at it. So with that, she stepped a few paces back, bent over, and lifted up her skirt to show me her ass. And they matched all right!

Afterwards, Hilary went back to her place to continue doing work, while Joe and I went to the after-party at Manitoba’s. No explanation was given as to why it was moved from its original location, the Ding Dong Lounge, which would have made far more sense since its so close to the venue (which was at the City College on the Upper West Side, not too far from where I live, actually. After a brief stop at San Locos for some tacos, we made it to the bar as it was in full swing. And I’ve noticed that many of my friends are claustrophobic whenever I go to some crowded bar with them, and I’m the one who normally doesn’t mind, but it was too crowded, even for me. There was zero breathing room, let alone elbow space, which made mingling impossible. Though there was only one person I wanted to talk to: Joey Hardcore, from the Queens of Pain. I actually knew Joey (that’s a she btw) back in the day, during my flirting with girls on MakeOutClub days. I wanted to see if she remembered who I was and the some of the exchanges we had. But alas, there was no chance…

We ended up heading to another bar, near Houston, where we heard some folks had made a break for, but we were so drunk and tired, we didn’t stay long. Though they had those NYC condoms that some places give up, and I helped myself to a few… they’re really good! Crazy, I know. And them because we were too busy chit-chatting, and again, didn’t have our heads on straight due to beer, totally went around in circle via the mixed up during the weekends subway routes. The night ended with us holding back the laughter of this disgruntled Chinese handyman who, aside from having literally five hundred keys on one tiny key ring, and which was causing his pants to seriously drop, was munch away on one of those street vendor shish-ka-bobs, the ones that cost like $5 a piece. He had like five of them, and he also had BBQ sauce in his mustache. Yummy!

The First Step Into The Wild Frontier I

But when I got home, I didn’t immediately go to bed. I couldn’t, because I had gotten a message earlier in the evening. Which was the reason why I made a b-line straight to my computer once I stepped inside. And after firing up my Mail client, I saw this (slightly NSFW).

It’s I guess a test pic, to see if she could properly depict girls covered in slime. And as you can all see, Katie more than has the skillz! God, I cannot wait for the first issue of HARVEST!

Perhaps I should also mention that there’s a possibility that Hilary might be coming on board as well! Katie would do issue one, and Hilary issue two. More to come as it develops…

The First Step Into The Wild Frontier II

As for Sunday, I finally hooked up my Wii. Yes, I know, about goddamn time. I’ve had mine still in its box for many months now; I was so excited when Nintendo sent one to me as a thank you gift for my write up of the Wii launch for GameSetWatch. But then, it just sat there, mainly because my bedroom in Park Slope was just too small to provide a comfortable game-playing environment. Originally, when I finally got my new place, one of the first things I was going to do was finally rip that box open, but I’ve just been too busy… but once I received Super Mario Galaxy earlier in the week, I knew it was finally time.

Hey, I just realized, today is the one-year anniversary of the system’s launch! So it took me one day short of a year to finally get in on the action! Oh, and for the record, as everyone knows, I’ve been playing Wii games pretty regularly for the past year, so I’m not a total noob. But then again, since I haven’t had a chance to finess my Wii-mote skills at home, I’ve always lagged behind at press events or friends’ places. Hopefully that will soon change.

But before popping Galaxy in, I gave Wii Sports a spin. Jason actually got his earlier in the week and has been totally addicted. Though before that, I made a Mii, of course. I’m still trying to come to grips with the whole online functionality of the system, which is rather confusing, but I’ve heard others state the same thing. I also did some shopping for Virtual Console games, of course (I also received a gift card for points). What did I get? Super Metroid and Sin and Punishment. And of course, since I don’t have the Virtual Console controller, I really couldn’t play them! Well, I did mess around with Super Metroid for a tiny bit, but with the wonky button layout via the GameCube controller, it wasn’t for long. As for Sin & Punishment, I only got it because it was translated, since I have the original import N64 cart (I was going to sell my N64 since pretty much all the titles I have either already is available on the VC, or should be, with the exception of Rakuga Kids, unless I’m really, REALLY lucky, but I’ve come to discover that I wouldn’t get much, plus the emulation is not totally perfect). I almost got Super Mario Bros 1, just because, and I’m glad I fought off the temptation. I might get SMB 3, if only because I was never a fan of the All-Stars graphical make-over.

Sorry to ramble, but the number one complaint I get is that I never talk about games. Well, I’m talking about games!

I also decided to check out what’s going on in the world of Manhattan cable access, with the highlight being Star Crash 2007 – Rotis Colony 3, a bizarro women’s sci-fi show that deals with feminism, and dudes with blue skin. It’s absolutely amazing… God, its so great to be living in Manhattan once again!

As for today, other than work, it was more messing around with the Wii and cable access. For some reason, I exchanged friends code with Heather, but neither of us has popped up on the other person’s buddy list, or address book, or whatever its called. Maybe I’m doing something wrong… then again, even though I am a total retard, the whole set-up is rather confusing. Though I especially feel silly for trying to figure out something that everyone else has, about a year now! Maybe its the Airport Express giving me troubles?

Once Again, What Have We Learned Thus Far?

Time once again to head on over to the fort90forums! It was an eventful week:

- Hey, did you know Mega Man’s 20th anniversary also just happened?

- Once again, I absolutely need that controller.

- So the talk about the upcoming Ghostbuster games quickly turns into talk about… Big Touble in Little China and Quick Change?

- A touching tale of a sick mother and Animal Crossing.

- Hey, I guess everyone hates Ubi Soft!

- Speaking of, a quick note: Katie has been prepping reviews for a Ubi Soft games aimed at girls, which will go live once I get screenshots from them… which for some reason, is talking longer than expected.

- The works of Shintaro Kago, part eight, part nine. and part ten (all of them are NSFW, but that last one is honestly one of the most disgusting things you will ever see… proceed with caution).

- Fatal Farm seriously, had done it again

- Microsoft is gay, LOL.

- Once more, the random videos thread is worth stopping by, for the real-deal Warriors from back in the day, the entire line up of bad guys from the upcoming low budget, direct to DVD Metal Gear Solid movie knock-off, a pretty freaky (and LOL-worthy) PSA from the Great White North, and a series of absolutely amazing looking Japanese CGI shorts featuring bunnies in lock-down.

- Yet another reason why A) most people on bikes in the city need to be shot on the spot, and B) why I am so glad I don’t live anywhere near Park Slope anymore.

- Yeah, NYU still sucks.

- The L train + Full House = ART!

- But also, naked women + dead pig = ART ALSO!

- That animated gif thread is alive and kicking.

- Finally, an actually funny webcomic!

- Hey ladies, its fall again, and the devil is back in fashion.

- And lastly, I’ve updated my list of make believe women I’d love to bang to now include comic book chicks. Feel free to compare and contrast!

  • http://www.lizbaillie.com Liz

    -I used to have an Airport Extreme Base Station but it crapped out on me when I switched internet providers and somehow it became extra complicated.

    -We encountered a similar group of rowdy annoying fans when we went to see the IFL semifinals. They were from Tiger Schulman’s (who even knew they had an MMA team?) and as soon as the exhibition matches were over and the show really started, they got booted out because (surprise surprise) their seats were actually in the nosebleed section.

    -I saw that Animal Crossing comic too, it is so sweet and sad!

  • http://www.dmauro.com dmauro

    About time you got the Wii set up. Now I can come check out your new place and school you at Wii Bowling.

  • http://www.jennydevildoll.com Jenny Gonzalez

    Yeah, that A to the F trip to Rocketship isn’t so bad. It’s coming BACK, after a party that’s a bitch, since the A will run locally after about 10:30 PM. Luckily Rocketship is a good place to stock up on reading.

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