10/28/2004

The President Bled On Me

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

So last night I went to a performance by GWAR. Joe, who recently did some artwork for them, treated us all (Jay and June came along, and had never seen them live before, as well as Joe’s longtime, childhood friend Russ who has seen them many times in Philly along with Joe) to both dinner and the show. Now that he’s now buddies with rock stars, he gets to hand out with them, like GWAR. The funniest thing he mentioned when hanging out with them earlier in the afternoon when getting his payola was them mentioning to the venue’s management that the huge disco-ball on the ceiling was going to get blood on it.

It’s really hard to describe the band, let alone one of their shows. If you like crazy costumes, seeing celebrities killed and their intestines eaten on stage, deafening 80′s heavy metal, find abortion and child rape funny, and getting soaked in blood, then GWAR is the band for you.

First off, the crowd was a pretty interesting mix: 50/50 metal heads (your average GWAR audience) and Willamsburg hipsters (who there cuz, you know, GWAR is from the eighties, and is therefore ironic or postmodern or whatever). The instant I saw them, I grew worried. Also, I had heard that the band might be going a more serious route, which would be insane (they were built on baby rape, and goddamn it, they’re nothing without it).

Thankfully there was nothing to fear. Granted, they mostly played songs from the new album and their stage show this time lacked the regular gang of wacky characters, as well as a strong narrative, but they were in classic GWAR form: loud, rude, and wet. I wanted blood, and I fucking got blood. And the crowd was great. I find myself right up front and a bit to the left, and flirting with moshers the whole time, but everyone was cool, and simply there to enjoy the music and not cause shit. Those hipster pussies stayed in the balcony and out of everyone’s way, which was good.

It’s no surprise that the show had a political tinge. Right in the beginning, the band killed Kerry (the minute his head got chopped off, I got a face full of blood), then Schwarzenegger (who’s dialogue was pretty hilarious), Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson (of course…. highlight of that was Oderus snatching away MJ’s baby and holding onto it via it’s penis with his teeth), and the Prez himself, George W (who especially had a ton of guts and entrails for the band to rip out and eat).

Crisis occurred just as Laci Peterson was getting an abortion on stage; I literally got kicked in the back of the head (as some guy was being carried to the front) so my glasses got knocked off and fell to the ground. It’s something I always worry about when going to a rock show (it’s the only reason why I stay out of the pit actually). Amazingly I was able to bend down, feel around for a bit, and found it in just a few seconds. It was a fucking miracle, I swear to God.

The climactic final battle was between GWAR and an awesome tank/robot thing with Ronald Reagan’s head which was sent my the GOP to wipe out the band. It was simply amazing, and I really wish I had a picture of it. I had entertained the notion of borrowing a camera from work, but it was a good thing I didn’t cuz it was would have been totally ruined by all the blood, oil, and seamen that was flowing about. I tried using my camera phone, but it sucks, so none of my pics came out good except one (though that’s debatable). I actually spent a good deal of the show being distracted by one girl who’s camera phone was simply amazing. Even from twenty feet away, I could tell the resolution…

Anyway, GWAR had trouble ripping the arms off, but eventually they got it, and the chest, which had inside a tiny Nancy Reagan (whom I didn’t recognize at first since she had both her beasts) that they tore apart. BTW, the screw ups is always my fave part of the show. Like the last time I caught them, Oderus fucked up a joke and they played crickets chirping. I don’t know why I find that so funny.

In the end, they chopped off the head of another guy and brought out a huge bazooka that was looked like a long, elongated rib cage and everyone got a final facial blast of blood.

After the show Joe, as well as June, was drenched in blood, but I had worse (or is it best?). We all looked like we ate babies or something. It was funny walking home and getting funny looks from yuppies all waiting to get into another foo-foo club around the corner; I rubbed shoulders with some guy and he was positively disgusted. Also our hearing was totally shot. Again, I had it worst since I was right in front of speakers the whole time. Even now I can’t hear shit, and people sound like they’re on helium.

When I got home I almost didn’t want to wash up and show up to work covered in red, blue, and purple streaks, but I took a nice long shower three in the morning. And in the end, I got to work super late and even right now, my bed hair actually looks pretty damn hot.

  • Joe

    What a night!!! It’s been a long time since they’ve been in NY. It was worth the wait! And I am still covered in blood.
    GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

  • Keri

    I just went to the GWAR concert here in Toronto (10-04-04) and my friend took pics, just incase you were interested.

  • https://www.fort90.com/ Matt

    Yeah, sure! Pass them along…

  • http://gwar.net SAm

    i LUV GWAR SO FUCKIN MUCH THEY R MY FAVORITE BAND EVER I WILL ALWAY LUV AND LISTEN 2 THEM AS LONG AS I FUCKIN LIVE MAN!!

    GWARSLAVE 4*LIFE!!!!

  • drew

    just saw them here in orlando on dec 1st.. fucking awesome show!!!! It was my 1st gwar show.. and I was shoked at how tight they really were.. amazing show!!!

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