The Guy Had Twelve Fingers, Swear To F’n God

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

Another week, another blog post in which pics from NYCC 2011 are nowhere to be found! Really sorry about that; I’ve just been, you know, kinda busy. Hey, at least I’m finally updating this thing on a regular, at this point weekly basis!

Granted, there’s like 5 minutes left till one week and one day, but it’s an improvement nonetheless. I’m actually at Jason‘s humble abode; we have a brief Pennsylvania trip planned for the weekend (he’s got a house out there, which I have yet to check out), and since we’re hitting the road early, gotta keep it short and sweet.

But since some folks have been patiently waiting the following:

- Last weekend was another World of Unpredictable Wrestling event, my first in quite a while. The original plan called for a brief stop in Brooklyn, long enough to catch? the only reason why I even bothered in the first place, which I’ll get to in a moment? and then return to Manhattan in time to catch Pulsewave.

Unfortunately, a freak snowstorm completely screwed all that up; sucks how my weekend habits are now completely contingent upon how much bullsh*t I’m willing to put up with from the MTA. The trains suck on a weekend, regardless, but the added snow made things flat out intolerable.

And of course, I was kicking myself afterward, once I got wind via Twitter that someone was doing Genesis covers on a Genesis.

Though another unexpected visitor ended up ruining the evening. You see, the only reason why I came is because one of the wrestlers, Steven Person, kept bringing up on Facebook how he was going to assume the mantle of Spider-Ham once again. Here’s one example…

It was something I had only heard about but never actually witnessed. So finally it was my chance to see a guy dressed as half Spider-Man, half pig, whose exploits I used to read as a kid, and then beat up random dude in a janky ass wrestling ring in Dumbo.

Otherwise, I would have totally gone straight to Pulsewave. Sorry, but WUW sure ain’t what it used to be. The loss of the Musketeer was the first real deal killer, with the second big blow being “Big” Bill Young flying the coop (who’s currently in Florida, being trained by the WWE).

His mentor, ?Bad” Billy Walker, has also been a no show, yet another minus. Who’s left? Uptown Badboy? Still don’t know what happened to that guy.

Needless to say, I was both confused and annoyed to see Person in ring, sans get-up. I would discover later that a WWE talent scout was in attendance, looking to potentially sign someone up, so Johnny Rodz, who runs WUW, apparently told everyone no funny business. Which was, you know, was retarded as hell.

WUW is at its strongest (or at least its most tolerable, let’s be honest here) when it embraces the absurd. Same could be said of professional wrestling as a whole. Anyhow, the end result was relatively boring in-ring action, save for some highlights?

THERE WAS A WRESTLER WHO HAD, NO JOKE, 12 FINGERS When some guy was introduced as “Johnny 12 Fingers”, I initially didn’t pay any mind until I realized the dude actually had twelve digits, swear to God. Mooney was with me and we were completely beside ourselves the entire time, unable to comprehend what we were witnessing. Looking back, I kinda feel embarrassed by my behavior, since we were basically pointing and laughing at some poor guy’s physical attributes. Unabashedly. They all worked, for anyone wondering.

But then again, he was in a wrestling ring, playing up his? “gifts”. Which meant his hands were quite large, to accommodate the extra fingers and all. Every time he slapped a person, as well as whenever he hit the mat with the palms of hands, it was LOUD. And mind-blowing. You just? had to see it for yourself.

SOME WHITE GUY CALLED A BLACK GUY THE N WORD, WE THINK? Mooney and I swear to God that some white dude on the apron, in the middle of a tag match, yelled at one of opponents, “Hey n***er!!!” Again, both Mooney and I could not believe what the hell was going on. Yet no else reacted, so maybe we misheard the dude? Perhaps he was calling him by his name, which just sounded like the n word? What that could be, though, we were never able to figure out.

THERE WAS ALSO A LEGIT RETARDED PERSON IN THE RING IN THE SAME MATCH Could have been in another tag match, I sorta forget. But yeah, this person appeared to be, seriously, mentally challenged. He was even wearing hospital attire and everything. Granted, it could have been a play off of past wrestlers with a similar gimmick (with the most notable being Eugene from the WWE). But there was something? really genuine about the person. Also, maybe related or not: the dude was horrible.

THEN YOU HAD THE BLACK SUPREMACIST WRESTLER, EXEPT HE WAS WHITE It was pretty hilarious. Mooney believes he’s never heard of it before, but I would have to assume that someone else has done it before, somewhere. Unfortunately, what we had assumed was a Tyler Perry shirt was actually a Tyler Durden shirt. Oh well.

? Other highlights include watching some grizzled vet Mexican wrestler totally lose his patience with some young punk by slapping him around like a rag doll (happens a lot in wrestling, actually), and Mooney’s pal having the best performance of the evening, as expected

Too bad he’s dropped the ultra cool Reggadones mantle is now called The Absolute Value. Whatever the hell that means. The fact that they’re not playing up the science angle is yet further proof as to how the WUW needs to hire myself and Mooney as writers ASAP.

- The following Monday was, of course, Halloween. And as I like usually do, spent the holiday with Joe and June! The latter of whom dressed up as a Japanese tough guy with CRAZY Harajuku-billy hair. The prior couple of days were test runs that were not all that successful, but as is often the case, everything totally worked out on the day off?

What was I, btw? I went the lazy route and dressed up as Clark Kent. Again. Anyhow, I caught up with Joe and June earlier this evening, at the MakerBot party at AC Gears. Didn’t bother taking a pic of the Thing-O-Matic, since I already have a few from the NYC (which again, I’ll have next time, swear to God), though I did snap this?

? It’s a bank in which you put a coin on the plate and a cat slowly peeks out and nabs the thing. It’s supa kawaii!

- Oh, so I was on the Fangamer Podcast once again, also last weekend! I was asked to be part of their end of the month gaming news recap. One can nab the mp3 here.

BTW, was going to say that I was going to be on it again, later this weekend, but the recording has been delayed till the following day. Which might be for the best since that means everyone at work can listen in! As for my return appearance, and so suddenly? well, everyone will have to listen in for the big news!

- One last thing, guess who’s back? Why Doc Future, that’s who!

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