So what’s up next up in my rundown of the 2013 edition of the New York Asian Film Festival? Why, another fine example of classic, gonzo Taiwanese filmmaking. As well as a far more recent effort from the Philippines that’s not nearly as enjoyable…
Aberya
As already mentioned, this year’s NYAFF spans over 60 movies. There have been a few standouts already, with more certainly to come. Yet they can’t all be winners, and Aberya most definitely falls in this category. Additionally, it’s a prime example of how the ultra sexy descriptions that accompanies each and every NYAFF flick can sometimes raise expectations a tad bit too high. At times they’re actually more enjoyable to read than watching the movie it’s promoting! In the end, I feel bad saying anything too negative about Aberya, since it’s the very first movie from director Christian Linaban, and debut efforts are hardly ever perfect. Plus the Filipino film scene is still trying to carve an identity for itself, so one should be patient and understanding. Yet I can’t deny the fact that it was an absolute chore to sit through.
The film centers on four individuals whose lives intersect in all sorts of way. First you have Lourd, a boxer who made it big in the United States and is thusly a national hero back home in the Philippines, or at least in his mind. The dude’s a douche, yet popular with the ladies. His “segment” kicks off the movie, in which he details every single woman he’s either currently banging or is trying to, one for each day of the week. Lourd is one of those characters that is written a bit too well, because the dude is flat out obnoxious on every level imaginable. Aside from a totally random breaking of the fourth wall moment, the movie’s only truly engaging moment, Lourd’s also boring as sh*t, though that’s admittedly a problem when it comes to the cast as a whole (but it just seems a tad bit worse with this guy). BTW, early on is also when its established that Linaban prefers to only shoot close ups of everyone, which becomes fairly annoying fairly quickly. Even better is the angle; not from the side, head-on, but just a bit behind their ear. Again, it’ll drive you nuts, guaranteed. Next we have Angel, the nun turned prostitute (whom Lourd bangs), so she’s filled with pathos, thus constantly rattling off of biblical psalms. Which is supposed to be deep and junk (and a total first time director thing, so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard about this). We also discover that she has HIV and willingly has sex with men that she view to be scum, as to punish them. Or something like that.
Third up is Mike, by the far the most interesting of the gang, though not by a whole lot. He likes to experiment with drugs and has created concoctions that allow the bending of time and space. For the record, the whole idea of a drug dealer that’s also a time traveller was honestly the only reason why I bothered with Aberya in the first place. Anyhow, the names of the drugs are all Back To The Future references, and that’s pretty neat (like “DeLorean” , “McFly” , and “Biff”). He’s also haunted by the ghost of his ex-girlfriend, or at least I think that’s who she is, which honestly doesn’t make much since she isn’t dead. Speaking us, we finally have Eden, the aforementioned ex. The reason for the break-up? It’s not the drugs, but how Mike not only convinced her to participate in a sex tape, in which they dressed up in satanic regalia, but how it also somehow got leaked on the internet. Which causes a massive amount of heartache for Eden; she loses her job and becomes dirt poor, but is unable to ask for her parents for help since they’ve disowned her out of shame. Thankfully she gets a new boyfriend, one who’s rich, and also a famous boxer, you know who. Eden ends up being the one person that ties everyone together, as is often the case for movies like this. But when the pivotal final scene finally goes down, which is supposed to bring everything together and be the big pay off, instead of going “HOLY FUCKING SH*T?!?!” you’re actually all “zzzzzz”. Aberya lone screening has just passed, and I feel bad for filing this review so late, since it could have possible prevented a pour soul from wasting $13 and 90+ minutes of their lives. Hey, did I mention that Aberya sucks?
The Challenge of the Lady Ninja
While not a Taiwanese black movie, The Challenge of the Lady Ninja was produced during the genre’s brief lifespan and is just as ridiculous. It’s also by Lee Tso-Nam, the same director that helmed A Life Of Ninja. Which I also discovered though Subway Cinema, though before the NYAFF became a thing and back when they were just running old school kung fu fests. And it has pretty much has everything that one could possibly want in a sh*tty martial arts movie: really bad wire work, a horribly limited assortment of sound effects, gratuitous nudity, gratuitous mud wrestling, the Imperial March from Star Wars that is was not used with permission one must assume, a most convenient fake hand, plus a samurai warrior who looks like Ziggy Stardust if he was bald and, instead of a red lighting bolt, sports a blue scorpion on his head. The Challenge of the Lady Ninja kicks off with Siu Wai, the star of the show, going through a bunch of challenges that a lady ninja must endure. So right off the back, the movie delivers! It’s actually a test to see if she has what it takes to be a bona fide, full-fledged, card carrying ninja. And she does, so she passes the trial with flying colores, but one of the male ninjas makes it abundantly clear that he doesn’t dig the idea of a Chinese woman being a so-called master of Japanese arts (never mind how no one in the flick is actually Japanese). Though he’s mostly jealous that the master taught Siu Wai the art of “shadow clones”, meaning she has serious Ninja Gaiden 2 skills going on, and not him. But that doesn’t matter cuz she has to go back home, to China, when word hits that her fiancé Lee Tong has killed her father. Not only that, but he also sold out to the Japanese Imperialist Army, so you’d think the movie takes place during World War 2, but everything (the architecture, the fashion, the automobiles, and ESPECIALLY the hair) all screams the 70s. Actually, the movie was filled in the early 80s; it takes time for such trends to reach Taiwan. Anyhow, one has to assume that The Challenge of the Lady Ninja takes place in an alternate reality in which WWII either started much later or has simply dragged on an additional 40 years. That or there was either zero budget to account for such discrepancies, or the director simply didn’t care.
Siu Wai decides to seek revenge, but her first attempt at killing Lee Tong is unsuccessful due to his four henchmen, and she only makes it out alive thanks to the help of some stranger in a skull mask (the dude is reminiscent of the Ninja Turtles‘ Casey Jones). Realizing that assistance is required, Siu Wai decides to form an all-female gang of assassins. First she enlists the aide of a legit martial arts practitioner, whose talents outshines even the Lady Ninja herself. Next is an acrobat who lacks fighting ability, but wants to kill Lee Tong for being a sell out, cuz she’s a loves her homeland. And finally there’s the prostitute, who shows up uninvited and forces herself onto the team, but she states “even a whore can be patriotic!” So cue “hilarious” training footage of the prostitute not being able to stay with the program, but at least she can distract bad guys with her boobies, long enough so her teammates can throw ninja stars in their faces. Anyhow, it is determined that the only way to get rid of Lee Tong is to eliminate his bodyguards first, and we get the full rundown of their abilities, along with other personal info that’s not entirely important, but good to know anyways. Like how the Taekwondo expert, aside from being a killing machine, has no friends. Good to know! You also have a Jeet Kune Do expert, a dude who uses wacky weaponry, and the aforementioned samurai with a blue scorpion tattooed onto his chrome dome. One by one, they’re killed. It’s perhaps worth mention that the Taekwondo practitioner, who is also the lone female of the gang, is defeated thanks to an impromptu oil wrestling match. Anyhow, eventually it’s time to close in Lee Tong. But what’s this? He’s actually a good guy, an undercover agent whose mission was to infiltrate the Japanese army? WTF? And that shocker simply pales in comparison to the ending…
Sadly, like most other offerings at this year’s NYAFF, The Challenge of the Lady Ninja will be played just once; tomorrow, Tuesday July 2, 4:30PM, at Lincoln Center. Which I realize is not the most convenient time for most people (apparently, some New Yorkers actually have regular 9-5 jobs out there). Which is why I must also recommend A Life of Ninja; it’s screening is at a far more convenient Friday July 5, 10:05PM, again at Lincoln Center. Instead of giving a rundown (mostly since I recall reviewing it here, ages ago, but I’m unable to find it), simply check out the trailer:
