Once again, lots of stuff going on!
Which Race Is This?
Haven?t had much of a chance to settle into my new digs, since this time around, I?ve been busy with folks from out of town, such as Nintendo and EA, who both held events to pimp their upcoming holiday and post holiday wares. Unfortunately, I really can?t talk about the really good stuff, since you know, DNAs and the such. But there?s still some stuff to share?
Wednesday night was Nintendo?s holiday press gathering (yes, I know, I?m pretty late to the party with my report? again, been busy!). Got to check out a couple of Wii-related wares, including the all-new Zapper, which was rather nice (though I still like the Blaster a bit more). Gave the new Trauma Center a spin, which everyone else avoided like it was the plague, simply because it?s so damn difficult. And it was no cakewalk for me either, given that my hands shake like crazy; I?m simply not cut to be a surgeon, even a virtual one. They had a WWE game which looked kinda bad, but then again, I can?t recall a single American wrestling game in which the characters didn?t looks creepy, masculine puppets. But it features a ton of older, ?classic? wrestlers on the roaster (ATTN: Jason, I believe I saw Brutus the Barber Beefcake), and I wanted to give it a spin, but these two loud and obnoxious drunk chicks kept hogged the game the entire time (their loud and forced “OMG, I?m a girl, so why am I playing a video game?! LOL!!!” shtick, which is always grating, was particularly grating in this instance). Oh, and they had Super Mario Galaxy, and it was kinda tricky explaining to some how I was so familiar with the game, despite not playing it before hand at trade events?
On the DS side of things, the one standout was Master of Illusion. Basically, it teaches folks how to perform tricks and even comes with a deck of playing cards; some game modes have the player following instructions by simply playing along with said deck, like pulling out a few cards, and by following the instructions, the game ?reads your mind? to figure out what you chose. It?s pretty neat! Though there was this other mode in which you are presented a bunch of dates, and you choose one, then the game once again tries to figure out what it is. This part relies on the player to do stuff like rub the top screen, even though its not touch sensitive, the game “knows” this, by constantly reminding you. But I ended up screwing up, but not enough to effect my answer, but it apparently did; it asks you to rub the screen in a very specific manner? and it matters cuz its magic! And when I explained this to the demo person, he offered an explanation of how it works, and that resulted in him explaining that they have scientifically deduced that everyone would choose such-and-such date, which is pretty b.s., especially since I didn?t! Still a neat little thing, though.
Thursday night was EA?s post holiday-thing, and the highlight that evening was most definitely Burnout Paradise. Now here?s the thing, and I believe I?ve explained how I conduct myself at press events in the past before, but once again: nothing gets me more than jerky game journalists who have to show off how “smart” and “witty” they are by needlessly giving PR people a hard time. Guess what, they more than likely already know whatever the hell they are showing off sucks; they?re not idiots, they?re just doing their jobs, and that needs to be understood. I naturally don?t like everything I see, but I try to keep a positive attitude, and stick to the task at hand, which is to learn as much as I can about whatever game. Granted, sometimes said PR person might try a bit too hard, by severely stretching the truth, though once again, that person is only trying to do their job, which I can respect. It?s only when something is said that is either an outright lie, or totally insult?s one?s intelligence, or anything else that is as severe will I feel the need to go all Ed Bradley.
Let?s get the positives out of the way first and foremost: the game looks BEAUTIFUL. Still shots does not do the game justice, but they?re still very pretty on the eyes:
It?s the first real-deal racing game for the PS3 and Xbox 360 to run 60 fps, and EA was very proud of this fact; the PR guy that walked me through the game claimed it was the first 60 fps next-gen racing game, period, but there is Gran Turismo HD, as well as the Burnout 4 remake, but since both of those were last gen titles with graphical face-lifts, they don?t really count, hence the use of the term “real-deal”.
Though most importantly, the art direction looks to be back on track. Specifically, the cars, when roughed up, still look pleasing to the eyes, unlike those in the 360 remake, where they went for something… and thoroughly failed. So yeah, Paradise is hella sexy pretty. And… that?s where the positives end, I?m afraid. Got bad news for you Dave: this ain?t Burnout 3, that?s for damn sure. Where to begin?
Well, first off, the structure is vastly differently. Instead of choosing races and other game modes from a menu like in previous Burnouts, you start off driving around in a city, looking for race opportunities. Okay… that sounds great on paper, but as proven in Need For Speed Underground 2 (I think it was 2; I kinda lost track after a while), it can quickly become extremely boring and confusing. Though to be fair, unlike Underground 2, in which you?re supposed to look for opponents, which sometimes resulted in long stretches of nothing happening because no one else is around, and then you have to go through the hassle of stopping them, here you just come to a stoplight, any one, and by just hitting the L2 and R2 buttons, bam, you?re instantly in an event.
The thing is, Paradise?s attempt at creating some dynamic world where all this stuff is happening all at once is neat and all, but that?s really not what Burnout is all about. It?s about driving with reckless abandon and getting in stupid crashes. But more specifically, its about just getting in on the action as fast as possible, in a heartbeat. And now I have to go about slowly, looking for stuff. Eh… So instead of having a rather handy menu that tells you what races modes are available and which lets you make selections, you know have to memorize what stoplights and intersections are associated with whatever event. There?s a map that gives info as well, but still, it all just seems like a big, massive distraction.
Anyway, once you get yourself into a race, you race! But get this: at any time, if you get bored or whatever, you can just not do anything for five seconds, and you?re instantly out of the race and back to just riding around town. I guess that?s convenient, but makes the whole act of playing a bit too non-committal. Dare I say too “casual”?
Some of the mode from past Burnouts have made it over, such as Road Rage. Others, have not, like Crash events. In fact, Impact Time, Aftertouches, and Crashbreakers are completely absent. Yes, I know. Lame as fuck. In its place is something somewhat different, and kinda neat: after a crash, you can roll your car around, and even make it flip flop all over the place like a fish out of water with the X button. A meter goes down, which can be filled up and maintained if contact is made with other vehicles. There?s one mode in which you are presented with a road packed with cars, with the goal being to crash into one car and then continue hitting car after car after car. I ended up continuously “hopping” from one car to another, as if it was some platform game. Pretty neat.
But as great all the new stuff was, it just didn?t feel like Burnout, especially with all the stuff that everyone knows, and loves, long gone. Again, it?s nice that they?re trying to make the world all expansive and alive, but Burnout fans could give two shits. It?s all about the racing and crashing, again and again, one after another and another and another, so the second you make that even a tiny bit of hassle, you?re fucking with the player. Period.
It?s been said by many that the series peaked with part 3 and that everything since has been second (or third) best because it didn?t offer exactly what people wanted. The designers did try to offer something new and fresh afterwards, but none of that was necessary. And to be honest, the new additions and changes actually messed up what worked (like many of the added mechanics in part 4, or all the absolutely confusing and unnecessarily bullshit of part 5). In fact, I brought this all up, about how if EA was to simply port 3 and be done with, people would be happy. But the response was that the designers wanted to do something new and different. Which is great and all, but again, at the expensive at continually frustrating the fans? The response to this was basically ?Listen, EA gets plenty of flack for pumping out Madden after Madden.? Which is a super excellent point. But it?s not necessarily applicable here. With Madden, or so I hear, since I don?t play it, EA has made the game 95% perfect, and people keep buying it year after year for a 100% perfect version, because there has never been one. But with Burnout, we already have a 100% perfect version, and ever since, it?s been 90%, 70% (actually, the last one for the PS2 exclusively, Dominator, sucked, so I?m giving it a 50%).
It was about this point when the PR guy went into full bullshit mode, but stating how this latest Burnout was the fastest one yet, which was so not true; the sense of speed was there, don?t get me wrong, but Burnout 3 and 4 felt WAY faster. He even stated that Paradise was the very first attempt at creating a dynamic world in any racing game, with the looking for races by stumbling across them, which was when I had to go “Wait a minute dude… It?s already been done! In Underground 2!” It?s one thing to claim to be first to do such and such, when someone else clearly already has, but when that someone else is your own company? Ridiculous. This person also claimed, to save face about how bad Dominator was, that Criterion didn?t make it, but I?m pretty they were involved, at least in some capacity… EDIT:I was right.
The PR guy pressed on by showing me the online component. So two players can engage in a challenge mode in which you both have to do the same stunts together, often resulting in crashing into each other in some fashion. The set piece I was shown had my guy driving across a gap, with the idea of crashing head on with the other player who was doing the same, but on the opposite side. It was cool when it actually happened, but it took a great deal of fussing about. Again, not fast, not brainless, not Burnout. There?s also a thing where whoever pulls whatever off the best, or fucks up, I forget how, gets their picture taken with USB camera. I guess it?s a take off the snapshots one gets when a stunt is pulled off in the game (often out of the blue, so it?s a pleasant surprise), but in real life. Gay. Who really cares about this stuff?
By the end, I kept going, “This is neat and all, but it?s just not Burnout!” Which prompted the PR guys (the other who was the second player during the online challenge overheard me grilling the first dude and decided to lend a hand) to end things by basically stating “Okay dude, if you want Burnout 3, then go play Burnout 3, cuz this ain?t it. Got it?” And I guess that?s all that needs to be said then! Again, kudos for trying something new, but in this case, it was so not necessary. There?s a reason why Gran Turismo continues to sell boatloads of copies, year after year, sequel after sequel; it found what works and stuck with it, and have simply made it prettier. For once, EA should consciously use the Madden formula on another series.
Back to Nintendo, last night was the big midnight launch event for Super Mario Galaxy at the Nintendo World Store, which I was supposed to cover, but I was just too drained from the past weekend to make it. So didn?t yuck it up with fellow Mario-diehards in the freezing cold till 1 in the morning, nor grabbed a copy before anyone else, I?m afraid. Though thankfully, Nintendo is sending me a copy, cuz we?re cool like that. As for why I was so exhausted…
BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE
In addition to EA and Nintendo, Katie also came to town, for a series of interviews for Amity Teachers; she?s looking into working abroad, to teach Japanese school kids English. So Katie was my very first guest in my brand new digs. But since most of my stuff is still in boxes, that meant no DVD watching (it?s kind of a tradition of ours to watch MST3K or Evil Video whenever she comes to NYC) or much video game playing (though Katie did bring her DS and was able to check out Ubi Soft?s new line of Imagine games for girls that I recently received, which she?s still in the midst of playing actually, and she?ll be providing reviews of all of the games very soon!). So instead we bummed around the city, doing all sorts of stuff.
Friday afternoon consisted of lunch at Chipshop (deep fat fried Mars bar and a really bad Hermione painting for the win), hanging oout at Rocketship for a bit (I picked up some Iron Man books and dropped off some of my own), a stop at the American Apparel nearby (which wasn?t as swarthy an experience as I expected it to be), and stumbling across a discount candy store in the Lower East Side, where I was able to get a ton of primo Brit candy for the cheap. And later that evening, Hilary joined us for dinner at that primo ramen shop she introduced me previously, though I had the curry this time. Top topic of conversation? The clone comic that Katie will be illustrating of course!
Later on, the three of us went karaoke-ing, and as expected, it was a total blast. I kicked things off with a very angry rendition of Burning Down the House, by Talking Heads of course, and Shout, by Tears for Fears. I also did a couple of duets; Ace of Base’s classic, The Sign, with Hilary and View To A Kill with Katie (who I, swear to God, I listen to at least once a week, not because I?m some diehard Duran Duran fan but because I?m a diehard James Bond fan). We kinda tore the house down with that last one, if I don?t mind saying so myself.
The evening was not devoid of a cast of colorful characters. Whether it be the weird drunk guy who sang some rock song that none of us could recognize and who didn?t even really so much sing but growled most of it, but the dude had soul (who later got on Hilary?s case for opting to sit and not stand while singing Against All Odds by Phil Collins), or the Asian girl that chose one insufferably shitty show tunes after another and who looked JUST like internet urban legend Bryan Peppers, or Hilary?s new boyfriend, this dude that was there all by himself, to fulfill his dream of being Neal Diamond; Hilary said one nice thing to the guy, and next thing you know, he?s winking at her and she?s had to do her damn best to avoid eye contact with him the rest of the night.
The whole night was awesome, even afterwards when, while standing on St. Marks, some taxi cab passed by and hit us with a tidal wave of street water from a huge puddle formed from rain earlier that evening (as Katie coined “surprise bukkake”). The fucker did that one purpose, I bet. Anyhow, we all got drenched, with Hilary getting the absolute worst of it; she was covered with it, head to toe. So was Katie, but at least she wasn?t wearing a wool outfit like Hilary, who had plans to do stuff later that night, but instead had to go home and change. I myself only had half of my body hit, but I ended up swallowing a good deal of it; I have no idea why I didn?t start vomiting right there on the spot. And no, I did not develop any super powers as a result. Sadly.
The next night, Saturday, Katie and I made friends with some drunk black guy on the train that seemed particularly impressed with my new shoes, then had dinner at a very fancy Mexican restaurant that served the god damn strongest drinks ever, and the waiter was ultra cool, if a bit Borat-ish. Later it was dessert and cocktails at Kenka; our drinks had little paper umbrellas that Katie decided to collected, and when our Japanese waitress noticed this, the following thrilling conversation ensued:
“Do you like umbrerras?”
“Yes, I like umbrellas!”
End of conversation.
So What Did We Learn Last Week? (time for another forum wrap-up)
Time for yet another weekly round of stuff that’s been posted over at the forums. Actually, it’s been a bit of a slow week; I myself haven’t been able to spend that much time there, plus I know everyone’s been busy. Though there’s a few interesting bits and pieces to check out. Such as…
- Via the general hacking/bootleg thread comes word that the dream of a all in one PS2 mod chip on a memory card is all but dead, though there is a USB variant, but it’s pretty expensive. Also, thanks to the Wii, we’re just all that closer to Minority Report.
- And via the stupid video game news story thread comes word that some little shit hired a hitman to off his parents for confiscating his PlayStation.
- The theme to Super Mario Bros, as performed via a tesla coil.
- It’s a fact: they eat dogs in Korea.
- Another fact: people who work at Gamestops are retards.
- The random pictures thread keeps getting better and better:
- And the random videos thread is how chock filled with exorcisms, vagina puppets, and furniture for those with bad credit.
- Is it true love or viral marketing? You be the judge. I still say the latter.
- Then again, why try to find love via the internet when one can do it at… a Jedi training center?
And two highlights from the Chamber of Secrets:
- Seriously, the best r&b song ever (NSFW).
- And here’s something that will have to stay hidden; before there was Bottle Fruit, and now we also have… Canned Peaches.
… BTW, for those who want to join, simply signing up will sadly not work, since anyone’s registration will simply get lost in the sea of spam bots. So to not get lost in the shuffle, after registering, also be sure to drop me a line with your username. Thanks!
