11/11/2008

“8 man tag match with Brooklyn Jeff, Clown, Mexican Ninja, Steven Person, you still at the party?”

by Matthew Edward Hawkins

Time again for…

- It’s been the case for a while now, but last week was extra ridiculous: it feels like each and every day, some brand new wacky project gets thrust under my nose, bringing with it all sorts of opportunities, while at the same time, another one ends up crashing and burning.

One should never say anything till it?s actually time; besides NDAs and the such, if something happens and whatever falls through, you risk looking like the fool. But because I’ve told so many people about the following (because I had to, quite honestly, at least to peers), may as well as say it here and now: looks like I won’t be helping to run the show, at least the video game side of things at the upcoming New York Comic Con as originally anticipated. I might end up speaking at a panel or two, though nothing is definite… but original plans called for me to help develop the programming and moderate panels. Now it seems the organizers have decided to, once again, go with some enthusiast group to shape everything. I would like to hope these new folks won’t create a homophobic train-wreck like Disorganization XIII created at the New York Anime Fest, though these news guys are all about MMOs, and nothing but, so I have to wonder if anyone who doesn’t play Worlds of Warcraft will at all find anything for them at the show. Time will tell.

But yeah, the freelance song and does continues. I believe I just hit my seven-month mark, and it sure hasn’t gotten any easier. Due to that one major payday falling through that I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I’ve had to scrap some plans, like the big paintballing trip with Alex from Rocketship this upcoming weekend. At least I have more than enough on my game playing plate to keep me busy, which I’ll be getting to in a few moments….

- As for this just passed weekend, Saturday was my good pal Marc’s birthday dinner. Which allows me once again to bring up a favorite story of mine, the time we both got booed out of a lesbo bar.

Long story short: Marc LOVES karaoke. And I myself don’t mind it either, hence why I accepted his invitation to check out karaoke night at Meow Mix, a now defunct lesbian bar on Houston. The place was packed with women, naturally, with ourselves as the only two dudes. Most didn’t give a sh*t about us at first, though a few gave us the “get the f out of here” stares; as one person later theorized, they thought perhaps we were guys looking for a cheap thrill. Anyhow, once it was time, Marc hit the stage first, with some country ditty. I can’t remember what, but everything was smooth sailing and Marc somewhat of a hit with the crowd. I guess inspired by his choice of genre, I went on next and belted out The Gambler; despite my inability to hold a tune, I was generally well received by everyone, and all those awkward feels from before were long gone.

Which I guess might explain my brilliant idea: since we were such crowd pleasers, why not a duet? So we both hit the stage to do a Britney Spears song. And everyone just ate it up… some weird French-y looking girl came up on stage and started dancing, it was awesome. Until the karaoke machine started freaking out, putting a kabosh halfway through. Once the machine was rebooted, a different song came up, this one being a Christian Aguilera song, that neither of us were familiar with (not that I’m some Britney fan, but I had at least heard enough bits and pieces from all over the place to piece together something). Almost immediately the crowd began to turn on us, by booing and hissing. And that French broad from before was now mocking us, by putting her legs behind her neck and spinning around on the floor. It was like Showtime At The Apollo, but with dykes. God I wanted to kick right between the legs (my foot was pretty close to her hey-nanner-nanner as well). Once the song was over with, one burly woman yelled “GET THE F*CK OUTTA HERE!” and we knew it was time to leave. Ah, memories!

- Dinner was lots of fun, which was at this Italian/Cuban joint in the East Village, though I would lying if I didn’t admit that a part of me also wished I was in Brooklyn that evening, at Gleason’s Gym specifically. Rumbo In Dumbo 13 was also that evening, but at least I got updates on the action courtesy of Mooney, of course…

“Brooklyn Jeff can sign.” [At first Mooney meant something along the lines of "there's a Brooklyn Jeff sign in the audience, but I would later discover that he dude uses sign language, because he's apparently partially deaf!]

“Secretary is back.” [F*CK! Hopefully she'll be back next time]

“Pete Simmons is absent, he’s at a wedding.”

“Juan Jeremy split his face open.” [Ouch!]

“8 man tag match with Brooklyn Jeff, Clown, Mexican Ninja, Steven Person, you still at the party?”

“Jeff got the pin!” [YES!!! Brooklyn Jeff is the f'n man]

“Rodz has a mop.”

“Musk [Musketeer?] wrestling Damien Demento?”

… Oh well, at least there wasn’t a return of the Horsepack, or at least I think there wasn’t, otherwise Mooney would have said something. EDIT: Actually, they were there after-all! Guess there’s always Rumbo in Dumbo 14, which I believe is the day after Christmas.

- As for Sunday, it was actually me and Katie’s one-year anniversary as an item! We played it pretty low-key, just bummed around the city. Here’s a pic of Katie at the junk/antique sale part of Houston that all New Yorkers know what I’m talking about…

… Not pictured is the awesome fiberglass Bruce Lee statue due to the crowd of yentas around it. We had lunch at this French diner called Le French Diner (which translated into English means “The French Diner” for those that were wondering). We knew the place was going be good when we realized that most of the customers were French. The place is manned by this somewhat intimidating gentleman who simply goes by Zucco, but is actually one of the sweetest and definitely coolest Frenchman you’ll ever meet, at least this side of the ocean. The place is apparently modeled after a French truck-stop, and food is simply amazing. I cannot recommend it enough, especially the tuna burger. Then it was off to Sugar Sweet Sunshine, a cute little cupcake shop on Rivington that totally blows away overrated and overpriced places like Magnolia’s and Crumb’s (yeah, nothing says “quality” that paying three bucks for a cupcake). And how does one cap off a romantic day spent strolling around the city, soaking in the sights, the smells, and the tastes? With an evening spent playing Rock Band and calling cable access shows, of course

So I have a new fave program, which was actually on this past Thursday. It’s called Witness Protection Program and has this dude pretended to be in some undisclosed location and wearing a disguise, cuz of you know what. He barely gave away any personal information to any of the callers, except that his job these days consists of circling potholes with colored chalk so the city can spot and then fill those holes. For anyone that was watching, I was the guy asked if he was the dude teaching the potholes continuing education classes at SVA.

- And as for yesterday, mad a near disaster on my hands: long story short, my Mac went crazy and died on me with all efforts to bring it back to life totally unsuccessful at first. Mainly because the methods I was using harken back to the PowerPC era, and I’m still getting used to these Intel chipsets. My main issue was how it refused to start up and how I couldn’t simply insert a system disc because I already had a movie inside… ain’t even gonna mention what that movie was, but all will be revealed soon. Thanks Apple for removing your long means to manually eject a stuck disc (no matter how stupid the hole and the paper clip method was). For a while it looked as if I was going to have to bring my system to an Apple Store, and as I’ve stated many, many times, they are pretty much hell on earth around here. Went online anyways to make a reservation at the genius bar (lol) and the earliest slot I could get of the three locations around here was 5:30 pm the next day. My only other option was Tekserve, which employs even bigger clueless hipsters douchebags than the Apple Stores, but at least I’d see someone relatively quickly. But, as I’ve done many times in the past, I asked for help on the Gaming Age Forums, because asking for advice at places like the MacWorld or MacLife forums is a whole different headache on its own, and wouldn’t you know, that’s where I found the advice to get everything up and running once again. Still… I am worried that whatever that went down yesterday might have caused permanent damage to the logic board. Though all things considered, I wasn’t in a total state of panic as I might have been before the advent of Time Machine, definitely one of the best parts of Leapord. For all of you out there that’s running 10.5 and doesn’t have it activated… Do so.

- Once disaster was thankfully adverted, I finally made it down to Rocketship, which I’ve been meaning to pretty much forever now. You’d think we me not having a day job, there’s be no excuses for not being there every single day, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had the chance to be in any comic shop all this summer. So Alex passed along some recommendations, including Freak Angles by Warren Ellis and Paul Duffield, Northlanders by Brian Wood and Davide Gianfelice, Bourbon Island 1730 by Appollo and Lewis Trondheim, plus Cat Eyed Boy Volume 1 by Kazuo Umezu (it was Alex who got me into The Drifting Classroom in the first place). Since quite a few have been asking me to recommend comics, I almost feel inclined to pass along reviews for them once they’ve been properly digested… at the very least, I could have Hilary go over Cat Eyed Boy, since that’s really her cup of tea.

Then after hanging out and reminiscing over the good old days, when we were both at SVA and St Mark’s was all about Coney Island High and not Pinkberry and its rip-off’s, I headed up to Target and picked up a mess load of corndogs. 32 count to be exact. Hey, its always to have plenty on hand… though it wasn’t easy hauling two gigantic cases of corndogs plus a huge pile of books around the every increasingly crappy subway system (this past weekend was the worst; the R train running on the F line, then all of sudden turning into the D out of the blue… at least the A was express, for some bizarre reason). If I play it safe, those 32 corndogs will last me… till next Tuesday.
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Well, I kept on saying I would and now it?s finally time to put my money where my mouth is, as well all the free games I keep receiving…

BTW, I’ve finally figured out how this is all gonna work (though expect things to change almost immediately, like always, since I’m pretty bad at sticking to the plan): whenever I pass along reviews, especially game reviews, expect just a few paragraphs on whatever, unless something is particularly compelling. Whereas expect the reviews from Dave and Hilary and whomever to be a bit more meaty and in-depth. Sound like a plan?

Review: AC/DC Live Rock Band Track Pack (Xbox 360)

First off, I have to mention how I’ve probably spent more money buying music for Rock Band since part 2′s release, which was less than two months ago, than on actual CDs this entire year. And everything I’ve purchased has been songs that I’ve liked on one level or another, but thanks to the game, have come to realize and at last truly appreciate the craftsmanship behind it. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you sat down and seriously listened to Hungry Life The Wolf by Duran Duran? The baseline alone is so incredible that every-time I play it, I seriously get all woozy. Anyhow, one of the many acts that I’ve come to realize is rather awesome as a result is AC/DC, which I’ve always liked but have never been a card carrying fan of. And this special track pack release embodies all that is great with the band, and a perfect fit for such a game.

Because I’m once again not a diehard, I can’t tell you if the songs featured are from the actual AC/DC Live album from over ten years ago, but all the songs you even remotely like are present, and in stunning clarity. As John from Harmonix once told me, the quality of the master tracks were so high that they practically feel like studio recordings. The only real tip-off is how the audience sounds different than the canned one featured throughout the regular Rock Band game. There’s two ways to play the game itself: first is to play everything off the disc directly, which is a fairly barebones experience. There’s no band creation or world tour, you simply go down the list, a la how it used to be done in Guitar Hero, though instead of a steady difficulty progression like usual, the difficulty is all over the map. You might play a hard song, then a really tricky one next, and all of a sudden a simple one, and that’s because the game follows the track-listing that AC/DC specified. Which is cool and all, it’s supposed to emulate a real show, but not really because there’s no way to play every song in a row, so therefore effect is completely lost. I used to think that not having personalized avatars meant anything, and that was before I really dug deep into part 2, so I was at least hoping for the band recreated in the Rock Band world as a suitable replacement, but alas, no. Just the same stock characters that you’re used to.

Which is why the second method of playing, and that’s by exporting the entire disc’s catalogue into Rock Band 2 is the only way to rock. Not only can you perform the songs with your personalized band, which is about a thousand percent more fun, but thanks to the create a set-list feature, its possible to string all eighteen songs together to create a proper concert-like experience. As for the songs themselves, they’re the classics as previously noted, with some retooling here and there: long intros, longer, but complicated guitar solos, and dynamic big finishes, which in turn makes the game’s “Big Rock Ending” super long… in one song’s case, it was close to two minutes! Now, some have already taken issue with the cost of the game, which is apparently $40, which is too much for an expansion pack that only has eighteen tunes, especially since each brand new song if purchased from the Rock Band marketplace is like $2 (at least I think… I still have no idea how much 160 MS points really translates to). And that’s a fairly valid point, Also not helping is how the game is only being sold through Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club, and once you finally go through the trouble of procuring a copy, once it’s been exported, you’re left with a disc that will never be touched ever again, which is kind of a waste of materials. In that case, perhaps its best that its not being widely distributed… In closing, the AC/DC Live Track Pack is an absolute must for all diehard fans of the band, as well as serious Rock Band players, but everyone else needs to figure if the added cost and hassles are ultimately worthwhile.

Review: Celebrity Sports Showdown (Wii)

EA is on a roll as of late. It used to have this stigma as some big, bad company that produced nothing but absolute crap, but this holiday season has everyone singing a completely different tune. The recently released Dead Space is fantastic or so I’ve heard (my copy, unfortunately, was lost in the ether), Mirror’s Edge from what little I’ve played (arrived yesterday, but Katie’s been the one playing it, not me) is equally fresh, Left 4 Dead has been getting high praise from Dave, and Skate 2 is basically taking what made Skate 1 the Tony Hawk killer that it was and taking things to the next level. Even Burnout Paradise, while far from the brilliance that was part 3, has proven to be its own fun little thing. The jury is still out on Need For Speed Undercover though, and the less said about Spore, the better.

But that’s on the next-gen side of things. What about the Wii? EA has been serious about catering to the casual market, via the creation of their “Freestyle” category. Well… Celebrity Sports Showdown is shining example of all that is “wtf” then it comes to EA and the Wii. First off, as its been the case for virtually every single recent Freestyle release, I find it odd that they’ve added a tremendous amount of slow-down when it comes to nothing more than navigating the text input screen. Point being, it’s funny how all the Freestyle games clearly have massive budgets, yet they still scream shovelware; everything’s so clunky and generic. Plus the art direction is way forced, though at least some of them are finally utilizing Miis. That’s more Nintendo’s fault actually, for preventing third party publishers from utilizing them, though EA’s own takes on personalized avatars has always been on the creepy side, but the characters in Celebrity Sports Showdown take the cake for sure. Though the biggest issue I’ve had with virtually every single Freestyle game, which is supposed to reach out to non-gamers and casual types, by emphasizing extremely approachable, totally pick-up-and play mechanics, things couldn’t be further from the truth (also not helping is how the “tutorials” when they are present are guaranteed to give you a massive headache). And this ain’t just some hardcore gamer that can’t hang with a new way of thinking about and playing games (as noted many times in the past, I sorta stink when it comes to most contemporary, traditional games); Katie, who is by all accounts a casual gamer, is also equally confused and annoyed by it all.

Also interesting, and this ain’t just EA, is how everyone is tripping over-themselves to produce Wii Sports/Wii Play rip-offs, like everyone doesn’t already own and play those titles to death. CSS is yet another crappy mini-game marathon, this time featuring a roster of C list celebs, such as Avril Lavinge, Nelly Furtado, Sugar Ray Leonard, and Krisit Yamaguchi. What, no Carrot Top? I’m sorry, he’s actually too big of a star for this. And I could have sworn from my previous brushes with the game at press events that Kim Kardashian was included at one point. Anyhow, all these folks and a few more are selectable in a series of oh-so unspectacular sporting events. Some are standard fare as far as party games go, like beach volleyball, but stuff like flying around in mini fighter jets defy all logic. I supposed to should come to no surprise that controls for each event, despite being advertised as being easy and accessible, are frustrating, either because they’re actually too complicated or simply due to the poor implementation. Back to the crappy cast: you’d think that at least each character would handle differently, right? Zero personality is to seen here, even from such deadwood in the real world. EA would have done itself and the world a better service by making instead a video game remake of the Battle of the Network Stars from the 70s and 80s; aside from granted a tad bit of logic, there’s also the pop culture nostalgia factor to actually make things interesting to someone out there. As is, I have no idea who the hell this game is aimed at, kids or adults? I’m certain even a child whose mind is rotted by hours upon hours of YouTube and Pokemon, along with heavy doses of Prozac knows enough how retarded the notion of LeAnn Rimes in a game of curling is, let alone their parent. Perhaps if EA had also gone for slightly different celebs and activities, though keep the bizarre factor (which is the only reason why I’m not throwing the game in the trash, even though I should) and simply add a dash of “irony” (like, I dunno, pit Alice Glass from Crystal Castles against Karl Lagerfeld to see who can iron on ALF logos onto American Apparel shirts the fastest), hipsters could have been targeted instead.

… That’s a pretty brilliant idea if I don’t say so myself!

Review: Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia (DS)

I used to be intensely annoyed at Madden fans, as well as sports gamers in general, for buying the same games year after year. It would appear to me that the same exact product with seemingly miniscule changes was being purchased over and over again; any attempts on my part to find a plausible excuse would end with intense eye rolling due to what I perceived to be shoddy excuses at best. It wasn’t till I finally realized that I’m more or less your average Madden fan, aching to get my hands on the latest iteration of the Castlevania franchise on the DS, despite many long-time fans apparently sick of the same old, same old. Some fans they are were was my general response. Like Madden diehards, my attitude was if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… yet I still wanted some new sexy, and whatever that was awesome to be even more so.

So here we are, with what could have been the best portable Castlevania installment yet. Much of what one has come to expect makes it triumphant return: you roam around the countryside, killing assorted minions of Dracula, and along the way you gain experience points which allows you to enhance various attributes as well as develop new ones. The main character this time around is a magic-wielding chick with the ability to utilize “glyiphs” that ones across and unlocks, which among many other feats produces weapons for her to deal damage with. Two different weapon glyphs can utilized, one for each hand, which sounds no different than before, I know, but now there is an increased emphasis on combinations, instead of just hoping to come across that one super powerful sword that will just obliterate everything.

Though a few things are different this time around. For starters, you’re not confined to one single environment and going back and forth, a la most Metroidvanias in the series. Much like in Portrait of Ruin, the action is spread across levels, though there’s more backtracking this time around, coupled with plenty of side-quests (a few of them are rather… wacky, like taking a picture of a bigfoot), which is one of the game’s main offenders in my book. Because there will be point where you’re going to be running around looking for something that you have no idea what it is or what its about, which is why Order of Ecclesia feels like Simon’s Quest for the 21st Century. And that might have worked twenty years ago, when its creators were still trying to getting a grasp of things, but now that a proven formula has long since been developed, going back does feels completely wrong. Though the worst part is easily the boss battles, which are needlessly frustrating. Instead of going with the word frustrating, I believe flat-out tiresome is more apt, like the stupid crab monster that literally takes 2,000 hits to fell. Yet I still can’t what’s worse: what I just described or using the touchscreen as in Dawn of Sorrow, which I hated more than anything.

On the audio/visual end, everything looks awesome, whereas the music, while quite competent, just ain’t my cup of tea. Though I still dig the overall feel of series, and this latest release simply provides even more proof that Konami knows what it’s doing with the DS, and not so much elsewhere; that Dracula X revamp for the PSP was just an ugly mess, and don’t even get me started on Silent Hill Mobile… which was so bad that I literally couldn’t get started. In the end, Order of Ecclesia is for the diehards only yet again, whereas everyone else will either be supremely frustrated or simply annoyed with the idiotic difficulty. Those in the first category will enjoy it as much as possible, but look towards another installment to correct all wrongs.

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